Looking ahead to next Halloween and my promise

My friend Kimberly and I were talking yesterday about Halloween and costumes. I mentioned a previous co-worker had said he thought I should be a bee for Halloween since it fit my personality. I tend to agree. Kimberly did too. However, we were talking that maybe by next Halloween I will be pregnant and then I could be a bumble bee (since they are bigger). Somehow this morphed into me promising Kimberly that if I were pregnant next year for Halloween and had a belly (so far enough along to be showing) then she could paint my belly like a pumpkin. What in the world did I agree to?!?!?!!?!??? Here's to hoping I can be a big orange pumpkin belly next year!

Halloween mind chatter

I have a lot of thoughts in my head today..... Last night I was making spooky spider cupcakes and as I labored away sticking 8 legs, two eyes and a nose on each hairy sprinkled spider I thought, "Wow, someday I will be able to make these for my kids to take to school and I'll be the cool mom that makes fun spider cupcakes." That is a good thought! Then this morning on my way to work some more thoughts materialized in my crazy head. A few of my friends have today off or at least half a day off to do fun Halloween activities with their kids. Something I will have to remember to allocate PTO for when the day comes. Then I started thinking about why I don't hand out candy to trick-or-treaters (besides the fact that our neighborhood doesn't have very many kids and there are only 4 houses on our block). It would be really cute to see all the kids dressed up and having fun, but on the other hand it may be really hard too. I do get to see some cuties dressed up for the holiday today. Liz will be bringing Braden into work. He is dressing as a dragon this year. Then later this afternoon I want to go and see Iree and Marlie. Iree is Bumblebee the Transformer and Marlie is a peapod. All three of them will be adorable I am sure. I need to take pictures!

Last 3-a-day and more

Today is the last day I have to take my Metformin 3x/day. I know it doesn't seem like that big of a deal but I feel tied to the medicine bottle when you are constantly taking pills. I also have a hard time remembering to take medicine at times (I think I have too much other mind chatter) so I have 3 daily alarms set on my phone for 7am,1pm & 7pm to remind me to take it. Now I can go down to just two alarms. I also realized I forgot to take my vitamins today but in all actuality the medicine is more important than the vitamins so I guess I am okay. That is another reason why I carry the medicine in my purse so its always with me. I also think that it is a good thing to be going to the 2x/day because it is the Metformin XR and I think it will keep a more constant level of the drug in my bloodstream instead of just "dumping" meds in 3x/day and then going 12 hours overnight without anything. I think I may switch to 8am and 8pm though, so I'll have to change my alarms.
In other thoughts, I have an acupuncture appointment today. It is very relaxing but a bit pricey if I think of how much I will spend. There are a few weeks in November where I have to miss my appointment or wasn't able to schedule one (like the week of Thanksgiving) so I wonder if that will impede any progress I may be making. I keep wondering if it benefits me at all beyond the stress control and the 1 hour of peaceful time, but Clay said he wants me to keep going for now, so go I will today at 320 and the next week and then again and again.

The chicken or the egg dilemma

I read an article last night that made me think of that wonderful chicken and egg dilemma about which comes first.... it's like trying to get a job so you can get experience but not being able to get a job cause you don't have experience. HOW do you get the experience if you can't get the job and vice versa? (Oh I can't find the article again so I can't word it as perfectly as they did, but you will still get the point.)

Well they say to reduce stress when trying to conceive or when faced with infertility issues ...wait let's call them my speedbumps...but they ALSO say that infertility speedbumps cause excess stress. How do you get rid of stress when what you are faced with causes the stress you are trying to get rid of? I'm not the best at stress management anyway but this one has me in a real pickle. Mentally I try not to stress but I think somehow my body knows more and is more stressed than I let on to my head....

So, what comes first the chicken or the egg?

Darn those androgens

Today is our weekly weigh-in for my fitness challenge with my friend Mel and I have been struggling at losing weight since we started. Last year when I was on the pill, weight loss was easy and I quickly saw results. This year has proved to be more of a challenge. Here is some background to the reason why I think I'm having a harder time this go around:

(From Web MD) Most women at some point have to contend with weight gain. But for women with polycystic ovary syndrome (PCOS), losing weight can become a constant struggle. Women with PCOS have an increased production of male hormones called androgens. High androgen levels lead to symptoms such as body hair growth, acne, irregular periods -- and weight gain. Because the weight gain is triggered by male hormones, it is typically in the abdomen. That is where men tend to carry weight. So instead of having a pear shape, women with PCOS have more of an apple shape. (Abdominal fat is the most dangerous kind of fat. ) Experts think weight gain also helps trigger the symptoms of PCOS, such as menstrual abnormalities and acne.

When I got my PCOS labwork done, my testosterone was indicated to be about 3x higher than the anticipated limit. I would put the exact numbers in but I seemed to have misplaced the results. I am sure they will show up sometime.

As a side note, when I typed the title I had to chuckle... the word "Androgen" sounded like some type of alien or evil bot (like the bad transformers)... maybe they are for me..... I'm fighting the evil androgens taking over my body ;o) HA! That's a scene!

All I want for Christmas....

Clay and I have been making our Christmas lists lately. Clay is doing much better on his than I am on mine. I have a few things on there, especially movies, but I got to thinking today, some of the things I want for Christmas you can't put on a list.

If it boiled down to one thing on my Christmas list it would be a period. How silly does that sound? It's like I'm a teenager jealous all of her friends have their periods and I'm begging for mine. If I can just get a cycle then there will be some start of hope at actually trying to conceive next year.

So in hope, I am putting a countdown for Christmas on this blog. By then I will have been on my metformin meds for 3 months at 1500 mg/day. Hopefully something will start to happen.

Spiritual Thoughts with Kutless

Clay and I like the band Kutless. I like a lot of different music and really so does Clay. We first heard Kutless at Life Light, which was an outdoor Christian music festival in South Dakota that my sister-in-law Valerie took us too. I am so glad she did. I love that band. I have all of their cds. I think there are 5 or 6. I like to listen to them when I take my walks outside. Somehow I feel that is my spiritual time. Today it hit me a bit harder than normal. Usually I glean different insights from the lyrics and I "rotate" which cd and songs are my "current" favorites. Today I switched cds and the song "All Alone" was one of the songs that really got me. (I tend to be a crier at things anyway, but this song brought some tears.) I had to look funny fitness walking down the sidewalk with tears streaming down my face. Sometimes I sing along to the song too. I put the lyrics below and highlighted some of the phrases that got me today...

All Alone by Kutless

Icy chills round your heart
A heart that's made of stone
It seems like
Life is out to get you
To destroy what you want
I know that, that you blame me for all that you go through
It could be, so different if you would just let it go

You're all alone
Running out of ways to
Hold on to hope
And it always slips away
You're all alone
But you don't have to
Pretend to cope
There is a brighter way

If you would change your perspective
You'd see that it is true
Life is not always what you want
Sometimes it's hard to bear
I'd be with you, and help you in all that you go through
I love you, let Me change your heart by coming in

You're all alone
Running out of ways to
Hold on to hope
And it always slips away
You're all alone
But you don't have to
Pretend to cope
There is a brighter way

Deep thought from my walk..... I am NOT alone (even though there are times I feel like I am). I don't have to "Pretend" to cope, there is a brighter way. I have a lot of other thoughts swirling around but Clay just made our dinner so I'm going to feed my stomach like the walk fed my soul.

Faces of SpongeBob Squarepants

So I opened up our linen closet today to look and see if we had any bubble bath given I decided to take a hot bath after my walk. I noticed the box of SpongeBob Squarepants Dixie cups I purchased to pee in. (I prefer to pee in a cup and not on my hand and then just dip the stick.) The picture on the side looked like an angry SpongeBob. (See cup on left) That is kind of my emotion when I go to use the cup as peeing on sticks or in cups isn't fun at all for me. So, I got to looking at the other faces on the cups. (Crazy thought of the day....maybe a happier cup will yield a happier result?) I found the other two cups shown. I figure someday I will look like the cup in the middle. Surprised as hell to find a positive result and then sharing the results with family and friends will make me look like the SpongeBob on the right. Maybe next time I use the cups, I will pick a happy one. I don't anticipate having to take another test until after January when I start with the good meds but if I do, maybe I'll pay attention to the cup (that is unless its at 3am again then I'll just grab one.)

Hormones+ my skin= adult acne

I thought I had bad skin as a teenager. I even fought acne as an adult through college and outside of college. As recently as 2 years ago, or maybe it was 3, I regularly visited a dermatologist. I have done every topical possible. I've done all the "cyclene" drugs and even the stronger sulfides. I even ended up on a round of acutane. And last year I had nice skin. I was happy. Well, take away the birth control pills and allow the testosterone levels to triple and guess what you get? Acne! Painful, sometimes itchy and definitely embarrassing acne. It's like I'm a teenager again. Self conscious and a bit ashamed. I asked the doctor the other day when I called (I should also keep a tally for doctor's visits and phone calls) if there was anything I could do or take and unfortunately if I want to try to get pregnant the answer is NO. I can't even use a prescription topical treatment (not that that would work anyway.) Hopefully it will clear up if the hormones level off. Maybe it will be perfectly clear during pregnancy or stay clear after. That would rock!

I'm a pill popper..is that a problem?

How many pills have I already taken? How many pills will I take before the end of this blog?

Let's count....
Provera- 10x3 (previous cycles)= 30 + 10 (new prescription)= 40
Metformin-
1/day for 1 week= 7
2/day for 2weeks= 28
3/day for remainder of prescription= 119 (approximate)
now starting Metformin XR (750mg) 2x a day= 180

Total after done with these bottles= 374

Add in the Chinese herbs (13 days X8= 104) and the total grows to 478.

I won't add in the pre-natal vitamin, calcium, vitamin c, or b complex vitamin that I take every morning. I need to take the b complex vitamin cause metformin can lead to a b vitamin deficiency which would be bad.

So about 500 pills in. Do you think I can hit 10,000 or 100,000? What about 1,000,000? Only time can tell.

I have posted a picture of the pill bottles and the pills. Its interesting to see how little the Provera pills are. Just 10 of those gets me the fake period but 334 of the larger ones (Metformin) hasn't shown any results yet. Yikes!

One more question

You know how people always say it happens when you stop trying? Why is that? How in the world do you convince your head of this and then even harder, how do you convince your heart?

Okay I guess that was 3 or 4 questions so a few more won't hurt.

If you aren't supposed to stress about things and people tell you not to stress, how do you get rid of the stress of stressing out?

An hour later.....

I had tons of thoughts running through my head when I got out of bed at 4am. I had many topics to write about like:
- how the acupuncturist doesn't think my body is strong enough for Chinese herbs
- like acupuncture in general
- PCOS and the "diagnosis" and how I am anything but the typical candidate for the condition
- hope (and fear) for what is to come as I get to my 1 year mark of "trying" to conceive
- how you shouldn't really call it trying to conceive if you physically have a problem
- why hormones do what they do to your skin
- why they make good couples wait more than a year for help when there is a known problem
- why people who won't make "good" parents get pregnant so easily (and on accident) and others who would make "good parents" can't get pregnant at all (this one has a lot of negative to it from real life happenings)
- how one day can be easy and things don't weigh on your heart and the next day its all consuming
- how the second you want a child or to be pregnant that is all you see. Everyone else is pregnant and has a cute kid.. everyone except you.

However, after three or four posts this morning. I am tired of thinking and now that its 517am, I really should go work out. Maybe I'll cruise through the TV channels again instead. I will probably make it to work early today. That will be a first as I'm usually running late to work. I am sure that if I continue the blogging, I will touch all of the topics above at some time.

Title changes

I wonder how many times I will change the title for this blog. I have already changed it twice and I still don't think it fits. Any suggestions on a fitting title? I had journal, my journey, and settled on the speedbumps and roadblocks to motherhood since that seems to be my destination and seems to be what I am encountering... guess it is like everything else in life. Just a work in progress.

That ovulation calendar

I was looking at gadgets to add for the side of the post and I wanted a calendar. Whether it was
to count the days I have survived or to count the days ahead I don't know. I ideally wanted a calendar I could add notes on. It seems this "trying to get pregnant" business is all about tracking. Tracking your last menstrual cycle, tracking the last day you had sex, tracking the last time you took provera, tracking the last sane thought you had in your head. Okay I made that last one up but still. However, I ran across that ovulation calendar and I thought, "well, even if I don't ovulate, it will show me the date." The part that drives me the most crazy is the cycle length. It only goes to 35. I hate that number.... what about those of us that have a longer cycle. Maybe some folks are regular but still only have a period 6 times a year. Their cycle length would be what 60 days. My doctor said she would be happy if I had a cycle on my own every 90 days. Where am I in that little "cycle length" they so conveniently put there for me to use? Guess it just goes to serve as further evidence I am anything but "typical."

"False" hopes and "Fake" periods

This morning I woke up at 3 to use the restroom and had a task to complete before headed back to bed. I had to pee on a stick so I can call my Dr today for another prescription of Provera. Peeing on a stick is fun the first time.... but the 10th? (I guessed at the number cause I really haven't counted and I haven't done it regularly) It is also not fun at 3 in the morning when you are groggy, but they say to use your first morning pee. For me that is usually between 330 am and 5 am.

Here is where we get to the "false" hope. I don't care if you have peed on one million sticks. Each time you do and you are waiting those 2 minutes (or whatever length of time it takes to calculate) you sit and think ... "Maybe this could be the time I get two blue lines, the plus sign, the positive or whatever you are dying in your heart to see." However most of this is your heart speaking. Your head (still half asleep) tells you over and over the result will be negative. I have learned over this past year that your heart never sleeps, especially at 3 or 4 in the morning when you wake up and those racing thoughts in your head need to get out.

I will apologize ahead of time that most of these posts will ramble and I can guarantee a few things. 1) I will use a lot of "quotations" or "air quotes" if you will around words. Most of the time it has a tone to the word 2) when in a good mood I will use a lot of smiley icons like ;o) or ;oP. The later is me sticking out my tongue 3) when in a bad mood I will not sugar coat things. I usually try to be Suzie Sunshine or Pollyanna but there are times when we all just need to vent and complain and 4) I will RAMBLE... I have a lot of crazy thoughts that need to escape.

The pregnancy test from 3am this morning brings me to the "fake" periods. See I don't ovulate. kind of a problem when your end game is motherhood. My Dr has diagnosed me with PCOS (Polycystic Ovarian Syndrome) more on that later. Given I don't ovualte, I don't have a period. Generally most women not trying to get pregnant would consider that a blessing. Since going off of birth control in January I have not had a "true" period. Instead I have had 3 "fake" periods and I'm embarking to the pharmacy today for the meds to have a 4th.

Here is what happens. You take Provera for 10 days. Provera is a very small pill of progesterone (a female hormone elevated after ovulation). My body is anti female hormone and anti ovulation so I don't produce high levels of Progesterone. Now generally what happens is when the unfertile egg gets to the uterus the progesterone levels drop and this causes a period. Provera is a "fake" period cause it falsely increases your hormone levels and then on day 11 when you run out of meds and your hormones drop again, it triggers your body to have a period.

Now I am anything but "normal" and even with "fake" periods, my body has its own rules. The "faker" as I'll call it is supposed to start 3-5 days after the drop in hormones. Mine usually starts that next day but I guess I shouldn't really say it ever "starts." The "faker" I have is usually the lightest thing ever and lasts about 5-6 days and I could probably get away with less than 5 light tampons... It's more annoying than actually having a "real" period.

Initially I called Provera the "jump start" medicine. My Dr thought it would initiate a normal cycle if we could introduce some hormones into my body and actually have a DAY 1 to start. I was always under the impression that your period was at the end of your monthly cycle, but I was wrong. The first day of your period is actually Day 1 and the start of it all. The doctor said if you can't have a Day 1 and a beginning then you won't ovulate or have the "textbook Day 14" for the fertile window.

So that is where I sit today, Oct 24th: On the verge of my 4th "fake" period in 10 months, awake at 447 am and a bit hungry for more than just breakfast.