"False" hopes and "Fake" periods

This morning I woke up at 3 to use the restroom and had a task to complete before headed back to bed. I had to pee on a stick so I can call my Dr today for another prescription of Provera. Peeing on a stick is fun the first time.... but the 10th? (I guessed at the number cause I really haven't counted and I haven't done it regularly) It is also not fun at 3 in the morning when you are groggy, but they say to use your first morning pee. For me that is usually between 330 am and 5 am.

Here is where we get to the "false" hope. I don't care if you have peed on one million sticks. Each time you do and you are waiting those 2 minutes (or whatever length of time it takes to calculate) you sit and think ... "Maybe this could be the time I get two blue lines, the plus sign, the positive or whatever you are dying in your heart to see." However most of this is your heart speaking. Your head (still half asleep) tells you over and over the result will be negative. I have learned over this past year that your heart never sleeps, especially at 3 or 4 in the morning when you wake up and those racing thoughts in your head need to get out.

I will apologize ahead of time that most of these posts will ramble and I can guarantee a few things. 1) I will use a lot of "quotations" or "air quotes" if you will around words. Most of the time it has a tone to the word 2) when in a good mood I will use a lot of smiley icons like ;o) or ;oP. The later is me sticking out my tongue 3) when in a bad mood I will not sugar coat things. I usually try to be Suzie Sunshine or Pollyanna but there are times when we all just need to vent and complain and 4) I will RAMBLE... I have a lot of crazy thoughts that need to escape.

The pregnancy test from 3am this morning brings me to the "fake" periods. See I don't ovulate. kind of a problem when your end game is motherhood. My Dr has diagnosed me with PCOS (Polycystic Ovarian Syndrome) more on that later. Given I don't ovualte, I don't have a period. Generally most women not trying to get pregnant would consider that a blessing. Since going off of birth control in January I have not had a "true" period. Instead I have had 3 "fake" periods and I'm embarking to the pharmacy today for the meds to have a 4th.

Here is what happens. You take Provera for 10 days. Provera is a very small pill of progesterone (a female hormone elevated after ovulation). My body is anti female hormone and anti ovulation so I don't produce high levels of Progesterone. Now generally what happens is when the unfertile egg gets to the uterus the progesterone levels drop and this causes a period. Provera is a "fake" period cause it falsely increases your hormone levels and then on day 11 when you run out of meds and your hormones drop again, it triggers your body to have a period.

Now I am anything but "normal" and even with "fake" periods, my body has its own rules. The "faker" as I'll call it is supposed to start 3-5 days after the drop in hormones. Mine usually starts that next day but I guess I shouldn't really say it ever "starts." The "faker" I have is usually the lightest thing ever and lasts about 5-6 days and I could probably get away with less than 5 light tampons... It's more annoying than actually having a "real" period.

Initially I called Provera the "jump start" medicine. My Dr thought it would initiate a normal cycle if we could introduce some hormones into my body and actually have a DAY 1 to start. I was always under the impression that your period was at the end of your monthly cycle, but I was wrong. The first day of your period is actually Day 1 and the start of it all. The doctor said if you can't have a Day 1 and a beginning then you won't ovulate or have the "textbook Day 14" for the fertile window.

So that is where I sit today, Oct 24th: On the verge of my 4th "fake" period in 10 months, awake at 447 am and a bit hungry for more than just breakfast.