How do you explain?

Today I stopped by Mel's house to drop off my key and some other things. (She is taking care of kitty over Thanksgiving while we are in Omaha.) I sat in the kitchen and talked with Iree (her almost 4 year old) and her. Iree asked "Kim B, why is your face red?" I turned to Mel to see if it was red from a recent scratch or if he was asking about my acne. He was asking about the acne. How do you explain acne to a 4 year old? I was stumped. I can't tell him that its cause my hormones are all jacked. I couldn't even lie and give those things you think when you are younger like "she doesn't keep her skin clean or she eats too much chocolate..." So I just said it was from some medicine that I take and my skin was "itchy" and that makes it red like it is. He asked a few more questions but thanks to mom's help we were able to satisfy his curiosity and we moved to the next topic of discussion. Such is the mind of a 4 year old I guess... taking in all the information in that it can and moving on with the next thought.
On a side note I do think my skin is actually getting a little better. I'll keep taking my meds and keep hoping it will clear as things level off.

Mind over matter my ass! (and more)

Okay so I had an acupuncture appointment yesterday. And Dr. G always asks, "How are you today?" and then he monitors my pulse. Yesterday I felt pretty good. I had been super tired on Wed night and gone to bed at like 830, but I was in good spirits for a Thursday afternoon, so I said "I'm doing good!" Well, he didn't believe me. He again said my body was weak and tired. So as I laid there in the quiet dark I got to thinking about the saying "Mind over matter."
Mentally I feel okay. I tend to be an optimistic person. I've been called "Suzie Sunshine, Pollyanna, and Little Miss Sunshine." I try to stay upbeat. It makes the day better, but to lay there after being told my body was weak and tired....well no shit! It's medicated and trying to regulate itself and losing the non-stop battle to stabilize.
So "Mind over matter" is the belief that the mind is more powerful than the body. (Specifically, mind over matter refers to controlling pain that you may or may not be experiencing, but I will think of it more in a broader sense of the mind controlling the body and its functions.....which just made me think of tantric sex but that is a whole different thought.) Well if this is true and mentally I "think" I am okay then why won't my body co-operate and start working? Can you mentally fix a physical problem? What about prayer? Is that a mental process given its a faith and a mental belief in an almighty power above?
I did manage to let the thoughts drift away yesterday on the table with the needles in and I almost fell asleep. I say almost because I'm never quite sure if I'm asleep or not but I'm groggy and yesterday I think I snorted myself awake. I had this funny pig snort of a breath and it startled me back to reality.
I went ahead and made a few more appointments into January for acupuncture so we shall see. I asked him if I was making any progress and he said "a little" which translates to "none" in my book but oh well.
I did also have another first at my appointment yesterday. I knocked out a needle like not even 2 minutes after he left the room. I wanted to see how many I had yesterday cause it felt like he just kept putting more and more needles in. I went to look and laid my hand on my chest/stomach right under the girls to pull up the gown a bit more and hit the top needle. It came right on out. So then I didnt know what to do with it. I called out a few times for the Dr, but didn't want to yell. I sure as hell couldn't get up and walk out into the hallway and ask him to stick it back in. I wasn't going to try to stick it in myself, so I laid it in the middle of the three remaining needles (that form the diamond on my stomach) and drifted off in my thoughts. Guess I have to lay still next time.
I should post a picture of myself lying on the table with all those needles in me. It really is a scene.

Quick prayer

I thought I would post a quick prayer that I liked. Kimberly sent it to me last week and I've read it a few times since then. The prayer reads.....

May today there be peace within. May you trust God that you are exactly where you are meant to be. May you not forget the infinite possibilities that are born of faith. May you use those gifts that you have received, and pass on the love that has been given to you. May you be content knowing you are a child of God. Let this presence settle into your bones, and allow your soul the freedom to sing, dance, praise and love. It is there for each and every one of us.

The "Poof fairy"

Today I spent the day shopping. My mother-in-law, her friend Jane, Kimberly, and I went Christmas shopping in Champaign today. We left Normal around 915am and got back to Normal about 915pm. We had an excellent time!! I got most of my shopping for Clay done. Only have a few things left for him and will be done. Got a few things for others too. A gift for my dad, a gift for my father-in-law and even snuck in a small part of Kimberly's gift right under her nose. We did get each other Christmas tree ornaments at the Christmas store. I got Kimberly a super cute pink one with Sex and the City on one side and then the motto "Shopping is my cardio." She liked it a lot.

We also saw a lot of wonderful signs and other things we wanted. Well, there was a cute table of these things called "Poof fairies"

There were different ones. They have the motto "You want it, you got it!....POOF!" Then each different fairy is holding a sign with the "wish" she is granting. There was "Poof! The dishes are done!" and "Poof! The kids are asleep!" and "Poof! The dog is walked!" Well if you haven't guessed it by now, mine says "Poof! You're pregnant!" I was going to use that as the title of the blog but did not want to mislead readers. Kimberly said she was for luck. I probably won't hang her up on the tree but I will keep her close to give me hope.

"Poof! You're pregnant!" ....... If only it were that easy.

Confusing Coverage Questions (say that 10 times fast)

A few weeks ago when open enrollment started at work, I called the doctor. I wanted to ask her about a proposed "timeline" for the procedures and testing I faced next year so I could determine my "out of pocket" costs and load up the Salary Stretcher Plus account. Well, after 2 weeks and 3 calls to the doctor, I finally got some information. I don't really know how helpful it was. I was given a sheet entitled "Reproductive Medicine Testing Estimate Sheet." My favorite nurse circled the things that Dr. Dutta will want to do right away and then made some notes about what they expect Dr. Jeret (the specialist) to do if I am referred to him next spring.

Then today, armed with questions about what is actually covered by our plan at work, I contacted Health Alliance. I was on the phone from about 1:18pm until almost 2. I wasn't quite sure talking to the customer service representative. I felt a bit uneasy. She placed me on hold a few times and didn't seem to confident in her answers. She did assure me we have the "Enhanced Infertility" coverage and then rattled off a list of things covered. I asked her to fax me this list for reference. She did well and I grew more comfortable under the understanding that most everything we face next year will be covered with the exception of the expected office visit co-pay of $40. I'm pretty sure she even said invitro was listed. I'll have to do some research.

However, she also transferred me to one of the nicest ladies ever named Judy. She is the nurse that reviews and authorizes all the infertility testing. She was very helpful and even gave me her direct number. I also expressed my worry about switching the coverage from my name to Clay's through work but said we would still have the "Enhanced Infertility" coverage but just a different member number.

Now I am ready and waiting.....waiting for January, waiting for the insurance coverage to get switched, waiting for my wonderful nurse Stacie to send in the authorization request for infertility testing and treatment, waiting for the "good" drugs, waiting, waiting, waiting......

On a side note, that nice lady Judy thought Clay could go ahead and do his semen analysis immediately. She didn't think it would require pre-authorization. She said they usually just pay for those in full if request. So, when I call the doctor back in December to get the ball ready for January, I will have to ask about how to get that started.

I still don't know what to do about the Salary Stretcher Plus. I figure I will just put $500 in and use what I can. If I get pregnant right away great if not, we keep plugging away.

Tears

Kimberly and I agreed to pick a name off of the tree at work to buy a gift for. I requested we pick the tag for a little kid. I wanted to pick all the tags for the little kids off the tree. I can say they are my children for the season, but my budget wouldn't allow for that.

We picked Bethany. She is a 4.5 year old and for Christmas she would like a fun desk, books, and crayons. Simple enough in my book. I am excited to buy a little kid a Christmas present. All little kids should have at least 1 present for Christmas. On the way back over to my building from Kimberly's, I started to cry. I wish I could see the joy and excitement of little Bethany when she opens her present this year.

It makes me think of last year when we were Christmas shopping in Nebraska the day after Thanksgiving. I was tired and annoyed. I really just wanted to go home. (I was also probably hungry which didn't help I am sure.) We were at the huge mall in Omaha and my mother-in-law and sister-in-law really wanted to go to Bath and Body Works. I decided to sit outside the store and wait. The boys were off looking at some other store. I was annoyed as I sat there with my bags. It was loud and crowded. People hit my bags as I sat uncomfortably on the small ledge. It was near a "play area" for children and they were all over the place screaming and chasing each other. I was just down. Then out of nowhere a little girl came running out of the playground yelling, "Santa" As I turned, the mall Santa Claus was walking to the playground to see the children. The kids all swarmed to give Santa hugs. I was overcome with tears and suddenly all my negative thoughts went away. Their pure excitement and joy was intoxicating.

I hope that my small gift to Bethany this Christmas will bring her extra joy. It will bring me joy and hope to think about her and anticipation to someday see that same joy and excitement of the season in the eyes of my child(ren).

Waiting

This weekend Clay and I headed up to Wisconsin to see Alissa and Nathan. On the drive up I decided to read the daily devotional "Our Daily Bread." I used to like to read the Methodist version "The Upper Room" and this is very similar. I carry the current copy in my purse under the intention that I will read each day's entry at work while I eat my breakfast. However, I must admit I haven't read it in days (maybe even weeks.) Reading Friday's entry I was moved. I even reread it again and then read it aloud to Clay. I intended at that moment to blog on it since I was so moved. We returned home this afternoon and I got a note from my mother-in-law. She too reads the devotional and made a copy of that same entry from Friday to send to me. She wrote a note that said she thought of me when she read it.

It is entitled "Waiting."

Psalm 70:1 Make haste to help me, O Lord!

"Make haste to help me, O Lord!" the psalmist David prayed. Like him, we don't like to wait. We dislike the long lines at supermarket checkout counters, and the traffic jams downtown and around shopping malls. We hate to wait at the bank or at a restaurant.
And then there are the harder waits: the childless couple waiting for a child; a single person waiting for marriage; an addict waiting for deliverance; a spouse waiting for a kind and gentle word; a worried patient waiting for a diagnosis from a doctor.
What we wait for, however, is far less important than what God is doing while we wait. In such times He works in us to develop those hard-to-achieve spiritual virtues of meekness, kindness, and patience with others. .But more important, we learn to lean on God alone and to "rejoice and be glad" in HIM.
FB Meyer said "What a chapter might be written of God's delays! It is a mystery of the art of educating human spirits to the finest temper of which they are capable. What searchings of heart, what analyzings of motives, what testings of the word of God, what upliftings of the soul...All these are associated with those weary days of waiting, which are, nevertheless, big with spiritual destiny."

God's direction: Be still, my child and know that I am God!
Wait thou patiently- I know the path you trod.
So falter not, nor fear, nor think to run and hide.
For I, thy hope and strength, am waiting by thy side.

Thought for the day: God stretches our patience to enlarge our soul.

Darn those "Harder waits." I struggle with the sentence "What we wait for, however, is far less important than what God is doing while we wait." I do not understand his plan (not that I should understand), but I fear the longer my WAITING the more my faith will be tested. To me a child is the most important thing to a mother and something I want to know. Maybe it is a test of my patience, or my virtues God is looking to strengthen and improve to help me in my journey ahead in life. I may never have any answers so I must repeat the direction of God over again and allow my path to unfold. I am ready to enlarge my soul and stretch my patience as I move forward. I know that my "Waiting" has only begun. My journey of 1,000 steps starts with just this 1.

Will I turn into Charlotte?

I am a huge Sex and the City fan. I just love the show. I love it so much I have been through the whole box set of the series 3 times and I'm contemplating watching them through again after my insurance test. We have also been catching the re-runs on TBS or WGN at night before bed. Sometimes I don't like to watch them on TV, not because they cut out the boobs and nudity, but because they cut out entire plot lines or stories. You really miss some of the backstory to have to watch them on TV. Well the last two nights we have watched them and it annoys me that the first one on from 9-930 doesn't correspond to the one on from 930-10. But the one on at 9 today will correspond to the one on at 9 tomorrow so I guess I shouldn't complain since I should go to bed at 930 anyway.... okay back to the question. Will I turn into Charlotte?

The episodes I am currently watching are the ones where Charlotte and Trey are trying to have a baby. Charlotte is "reproductively challenged" as she says. She talks of trying to conceive using all the different positions by saying they had done it with her on top, her on bottom, her on top and then the bottom, and so on. She is baby obsessed and eager to conceive. Since I have seen all the episodes I know the story proceeds as she has more "speedbumps" to where she needs the fertility shots. Trey gives her the shots every night but wonders if its too much at times. Her moods swing up and down and she has a rough time of it. Later in the series when her and Harry (whom I love) try to have a baby she even tries acupuncture (sounds like me.) I know Charlotte conceives but they end up losing the baby. Will I lose a child after getting pregnant? I don't want to be negative or fear the worse but with PCOS and a hormone imbalance I think it would be a possibility. (I've read the tendency to have a miscarriage is greater with PCOS.) How devastating would that news be? (sidebar: I read other blogs about mothers who have lost their children either in the womb or shortly after birth and it breaks my heart to read their anguish. I pray they find peace and comfort. )

However, I know in the end Charlotte and Harry end up with a beautiful little girl Lily that they adopt from China and from the movie I know there is even more of a happy ending when they have sweet baby Rose naturally. So there is hope. I may end up like Charlotte and in all honesty I can say it really wouldn't be that bad. Her journey had those "speedbumps and roadblocks" that I fear are ahead but the she got there in the end and so will I.

My inquiring (and rambling) mind

It's almost midnight and I can't sleep so I find myself blogging. At 945pm when I originally got out of bed I called my friend Kimberly to catch up. We hadn't talked in a few days and had lots to discuss. In the back of my mind I had a few questions to ask her about my old friend Sara. Kimberly and Sara had lunch today and she was going to "Nancy Drew" a few things for me.

I guess I should start by explaining why I say my "old" friend Sara. I know the few readers I have now know the circumstances but I should explain in case any one else reads this in the future, whether that be sooner or later.

Sara and I were friends. I like to think I was a supportive friend. She has an alcoholic husband and some other personal (for lack of a better word) issues. The alcoholic husband is unable to hold a steady job (he has authority issues to say the least) which cause additional marital conflicts regarding money in addition to the drinking. I am one that gets "involved" in her friend's life. I bring the stress my friends have upon myself as well and Sara has plenty of stress to share. I was a shoulder for her to cry on and a positive escape away from home. I even went to an Alanon meeting with her when she finally decided she needed emotional help with her husband's drinking. I have first hand knowledge of what alcohol can do to a relationship as I grew up with a recovering alcoholic father and know how it affected the marriage my parents had/have. She cried the whole meeting and I was hopeful that this would finally be what she needed to empower herself to better the situation. To my disappointment she never returned to another meeting.

Around that same time (July/Aug) after the most recent episode of drama in her life, I started thinking that I should withdraw. I didn't need the stress given I have my own stress with trying to conceive. I didn't really do anything per se and I stayed supportive but distanced myself a little. I think it was almost a pull to protect myself from what was to come.

Let me add here that during all of the past troubles she has had in her marriage I repeatedly added that she shouldn't get pregnant. That a baby would not help anything. However, I almost predicted it. On Labor Day I found out that she was indeed having a baby. I immediately decided that I could not for my own mental health be involved in her situation any further. I withdrew. I did not meanly point out the obvious things that everyone else (including her parents) were saying to her but I bowed out and wished her the best saying I needed to focus more on me.

I know to this day she thinks I chose not to be her friend because she is pregnant and I am not. However, as hard as it is to accept this totally unfair situation, that is not the reason I backed out. It's so much harder to explain. I am coming to terms with the problems that I am having trying to conceive so it's not that she is pregnant and I am not, its so so much more. Its more that she is pregnant in her situation and I feel heartache for the life that poor innocent child will be brought into and face as it grows. My relationship with my father is very damaged (much in part to his temperament which I view as directly correlated to alcoholism). I know whatever relationship this unborn child will have with its father too will be damaged or worse yet the unhealthy behaviors will be passed to the next generation and the child will further perpetuate the cycle.

Okay enough backstory..... so, even though I don't talk to Sara, I often find my thoughts focused in her direction. How is she doing?Is she showing yet? Are they going to find out the sex of the baby? Etc, Etc, Etc. I have genuine concern for both her and the baby's well being. However, in me asking some of the questions I also have some defense preparation. It's hard to explain.

Kimberly did find out that Sara will be finding out the sex but that is still a few weeks away. Now here is the BIG question..... Why oh why do I care so much?

Now I have totally lost my train of thought. I think I babbled too much with the backstory and it's late. Although I am tired and should be in bed I can't seem to turn my head "OFF" tonight and put my brain and mind chatter to rest for the night, so I lay there staring at the ceiling which only frustrates me. Then I have to get up and address the thoughts.

My other thought, at least the one I can remember..... Do I really want a little girl if I know she will prob grow up and have PCOS as well? This will only complicate her chances in the future to be a mother. She too will face the endless game of WAITING and timing and testing and whatever else lies ahead for me. Maybe it would be easier to have little boys that need testosterone. Lord knows I have enough of that to pass on!!!

Its 12:17 and I am finally getting tired. I think I rambled all the thoughts out that I may be able to sleep. I know 6 am will come much too early and it will make for a super long day at work if I am tired. Ugh!

Mammals have hair

I remember quite a bit from high school science, in part because I had a great teacher and because I enjoy science a great deal (hopefully any future kids I have will enjoy science too). Of the things I remember, I know that mammals (including humans) are warm-blooded, feed their young milk, and have hair (or fur) covering their bodies. Whether you know it or not you do have tiny hairs over a vast majority of your body. In some people this is much more obvious than others. (I'm sure you can picture an example.) I have made a recent discovery about my own mammal characteristics. When Kimberly and I were on our way back from Chicago and stopped at a McDonald's, I noticed that the hair on my arms by my wrists was thicker and DARKER than I had ever noticed. Well since noticing, I can't stop noticing. In the shower I see the dark sections of hair (its darker when wet) and when I take my watch off I notice how the band has removed some of the hair on the left wrist. I've even noticed that it seems to be "spreading" to the underside of my arm and toward my elbow, which previously didn't have very much noticeable hair. Was this hair always there or since going off of the pill in January, have my unbalanced and crazy hormones affected my hair growth? They say that women with PCOS often experience hirsutism (excessive and increased hair growth). This hair growth is usually in locations where the occurrence of hair is normally minimal or absent in women. Does this include the underside of my arms and my wrists? As I did a little researching just now, the articles also say that testosterone stimulates hair growth, increases size and intensifies the growth and pigmentation of hair. Well, wonderful! Another perk to this whole PCOS thing. Besides those pesky chin hairs and unwanted facial hair (which I have also had a growing concern to be on the look out for) I get dark & hairy wrists and arms. I better keep a tan because the whiter I get the darker it is going to look. Guess I will have to determine a way to keep these "testosterone" patches under control. I know most outsiders won't even notice, but I do. So to the drawing board I must go. Maybe I should trim them..... I don't think waxing is an option since it would look weird with NO hair on my arms and shaving is out too, so I think a trim is in order. Oh good God, one more thing!

Can you tell the difference?

Can you tell the difference between the two thermometers shown in the picture? Well, one is a regular thermometer and the other is a basal body temperature thermometer. On the surface the only difference (besides the pretty pink tip) is that the basal body temp one carries the temp out to 2 decimal points (fancy, huh?). Well, I decided to start charting my temps again. Last time I talked to my friend Jennifer (who also has PCOS and 3 wonderful kids) she mentioned that it is helpful to chart your temp and watch for ovulation. Back when I first went off the pill and didn't have a period, I charted for about 2 months. When I didn't see any changes (and still didn't have a period) I stopped. This was back in February and March. This time charting my temperature I was able to start on Day 1 thanks to the Provera. The whole point of charting your basal body temp is to see when you ovulate. Simply, your basal body temp (resting body temp/lowest body temp achieved) will raise after ovulation. If you chart your temperature cycle you can begin to predict when you will ovulate. You are supposed to take your temperature at the same time everyday. It 's supposed to also be right when you first wake up and after at least 3 hours of continuous sleep (although 5 hours is recommended). This again causes a problem for me like the peeing on a stick. I wake up everyday around 330 or sometimes later to pee. I have been taking my temp at 6am which so we will see what happens. I don't know how long I will stick out the temperature taking. Makes me feel like I should be sick. Some people even use this method as birth control prevention. That's dedication. Well anyways... that's the difference.

Black Chicken White Phoenix

So I always try to do a bit of online research about the Chinese herbs I am given. When looking up the new ones that I started today (Bai Feng Wan) I found that the translation is Black Chicken White Phoenix. Weird huh? There are a lot of sites with a lot of information but they say things like....

"Tonifies blood and qi, warms the uterus, nurtures yin, resolves stagnation of liver qi and blood. Use for menstrual disorders due to deficiency or cold, including amenorrhea, dysmenorrhea, or infertility. " and
"invigorates Qi and nourishes the blood, regulates menstruation and checks leukorrhea^†. The herbal formula is used for deficiency of both Qi and blood, emaciation, weakness and soreness of the loins and knees, irregular menstruation, metrorrhagia, metrostaxis and leukorrhea^†."

So here's to strengthening my QI (pronounced chee) and taking care of my menstrual irregularities.

Why is my body so confused?

I know my body is confused and out of whack. But even when you give it medicines and EXPECT one behavior, it will do something else completely. I have been taking my 4th round of Provera. Once the medicine is complete (a 10 day dose), a menstrual cycle should start within 3-5 days. In the past its usually been the day after or maybe 2 days after the medicine. However this time, it started BEFORE I even finished the meds. I take my last pill of Provera today (at lunch) and somehow my body decided I should start my "fake" period this morning already. I just don't get it. I will have to call the doctor tomorrow because I don't think that is good that it started before the meds were over. SO today gets to be "fake" day 1 for the 4th time. I will start the new Chinese herbs I got on Thursday and add to the pill count. If I don't have a cycle on my own by the time we get to the next day 35 by the new count, we can do it all over again. Get ready to start counting........

Is it just me or is it the hormones?

I got home from Mel's party about 930 tonight to find my husband on the couch playing playstation. The kitchen was a mess. The vacuum (which has been out since Thursday) had not been run. The bathroom things from under the sink were still sitting by the tub. I had been gone almost 7 full hours and what had been done at home? Apparently nothing! It drives me nuts. Does he not see it? Why does it bother me so much? Is it me or do others (other women that is) feel the same? I spent 20-30 minutes picking up. I cleaned up the kitchen, scooped kitty's litter box, took out the garbage, put the clothes away off the bed, picked up the bathroom, and picked up the living room. Now I am sitting here upset and he probably has NO clue. Maybe if I hit the keys a bit harder he will get the clue... probably not. I worry if we have the baby I want so bad that I will have to do everything and more. How much can one person do? Will I get as upset as I do now? I wonder sometimes if its just me or the hormones..... that is if the hormones are changing.