Not Me! Monday

I like reading the NOT ME! MONDAYS on the other blogs but didn't want to copy to have my own until my Christmas Miracle (see prior post). So here it is.....

I did not get my first non-drug-induced period since January. Not me. I'm 28, why wouldn't I have a normal period every month? I did not want to scream out to the world "I got my period" like a young pre-teen girl. I did not rejoice every time I had to change a tampon or just stare at it in disbelief. I sure as hell did not consider taking a picture of my used tampon to prove I had the period. I was not excited it was full and not just on one side like "normal" cause I did not previously think one side of my uterus was broken. I mean what 28 year old woman can't fill a light tampon on the first day of her period? I did not tell 4 friends (or really anyone who would listen) these thoughts or share the mental image of taking a picture of the used tampons. I did not gross any of them out, no not me. I did not buy a whole new box of tampons in anticipation for next month. No I am not optimistic at all. And most of all, my husband and I did not have a conversation over dinner about when we would have "brownies" in anticipation of my next ovulation because I am not most of all going out of town when I could be fertile. I did not mark the calendar hanging on the kitchen fridge with days 11, 13, 15, and 17 for all to see. Nope, not me at all! I am not finally on the "right" road instead of doing donuts in the parking lot.

Short, Sweet and over

It was short and sweet and is now over. It was a good 2 1/2 (maybe 3 if you stretch it out) days and it was glorious. I am on eggshells to see if I will have another. Now only time will tell.

My Christmas Story

Waring: due to the graphic nature of some material in this post, it may be unsuitable for some readers ;o)

My Christmas story begins yesterday on Christmas Eve. My elevated temp had dropped below 98 since it had risen 8 or 9 days before. I was discouraged but optimistic that it would sneak back up above 98 on Christmas day to keep the hope alive. I was expecting my period on or around Monday Dec 29th if my temps stayed elevated. That would be 14 days of elevated temps and I figured a "normal" cycle was 28 days and if you ovulate in the middle on day 14 and have elevated temps after you ovulate, then the 29th it should be.

Adding to my story, Clay and I traveled to Decatur yesterday for Christmas Eve. On the way and sort of out of the blue (as it wasn't the current topic of conversation) he says, "Maybe you could pee on a stick tomorrow."
"Why?" I asked.
"Cause it's Christmas!"
"Hmm.. hadn't planned on it since I will next week for New Years and my temps haven't been elevated the full time yet. (I then told him the expected 12/29 deadline.) However, thinking about it longer today would only be 4 days early and I think a lot of those pregnancy test boxes say "Find out 5 days before your missed period."

So on the way back from Decatur, Clay and I went to the beautiful Christmas Eve service at church. Prior to church I had to pee like a race horse so we made a pit stop. In the bathroom, I found myself wiping a few times. I could have sworn the toilet paper was a bit pink. I chalked it up to my mind playing tricks on me given the cheap one ply stuff that passes as "toilet paper" in some cases. It was probably just my flesh colored finger showing through.

Then in church, during our silent time for prayer I found myself thinking about the possibility of getting my period. Would I be happy? Or would I be sad as its one more month, not preg? Happy because the hope is alive and my body CAN naturally have a cycle of its own? I teetered back and forth in my conversation with God during that time but quickly had to wrap up my thoughts and move on.

So I went to bed last night in my new PJs debating whether to take a test today or not. (Sidebar: Does any else see the contradiction to a previous post where Clay didn't want me to pee on a stick? He thought I was wasting them....and they say women can't make up their minds.)

Then this morning, my phone "bing-bonged" (sound it makes for a text) at 545am. I had not been planning on getting up that early but the phone woke me (and Clay). So I decide I have to pee and it was now or never for that stupid stick. As a bonus, I grabbed the thermometer so I could multi-task and take my temperature too. (Although if I abided by the temperature taking rules I broke about 3 of them.)

Graphic material ahead......So, I go to the bathroom, grab my SpongeBob Square Pants cup, and take a seat. I stick the beeping thermometer in my mouth and the cup in my hand. I proceeded to pee on my hand like normal. FUN STUFF! After placing the cup on the counter, I decided to follow some of the temperature guidelines and remained still while it finished taking my reading. After what seemed like forever it beeped.......

97.29?!?@#@$!$ WHAT? ARE YOU F-IN KIDDING ME? It's back down like normal... ugh! Then I took my wonderful two ply Quilted Northern goodness to wipe and..... RED. Not pink, not the flesh toned skin showing through but real honest red and blood of a a PERIOD.

Yep, I got my period for CHRISTMAS ;o) Just what I wanted!!! Does anyone have a tampon?

But this is not where my story ends. I heard Clay in the hall after this discovery. I ran in the hall proclaiming I didn't have to pee on a stick. Now at 550am in the morning, your husband will just stare at you if you yell that at him. Then I proceeded to explain that I think I got my period. He kind of laughed (one of those happy you gotta be kidding me laughs) and so did I. I gave him a hug and he said "I guess that means NO"..... I answered, "Well, Yes it means NO I am NOT pregnant but it does mean the meds are working and that I can have a cycle on my own and the hope of actually conceiving is alive and well." (or something like that.) Then he gave me another hug and said, "It's a Christmas Miracle." (HA! Cheesy and corny but a wee bit true)

So now Clay is in the kitchen making blueberry pancakes for breakfast and I am wrapping up a wonderful post about the excitement and 2nd best Christmas present I could have asked for. (The best would have been the other direction with the stick) I will have to see how "heavy" it is. I have never had much of a cycle in the past and the fake cycles on Provera where even more of a joke and super light, so let's see what I can muster on my own. THIS is MY first official cycle since I was a teenager. No help, no drugs, no induction. (Okay a little help from drugs but in an indirect way.)

So now the counting begins again. Today changed from day 54 to a NEW DAY 1.
A prayer has been answered and that wish I wrote on the Christmas counter so long ago, is here and right on time. Right for Christmas! Merry Christmas!!!!

Smooth sailing....

Time has just been sailing by and I haven't posted. I have had things cross my mind that I want to post about but didn't get to the computer to get them out. I wanted to give a small update. My temps are still elevated ;o) I thought I jinxed it the other day when I posted as the next day my temp went down to 97.something or other, but the next day it was back above 98 and although yesterday was 98.01, today was 98.4ish so I'm hanging in there. How many days do you think it has to be elevated before I can expect my period? I would venture a guess of approximately 14 (if I had a perfect cycle). I just had day 8 this morning, so although it doesn't look like I'll get my Christmas wish for a cycle, maybe I'll have one before the new year! (Day 14 would be 12/29ish)

On a different note, Clay and I went to the children's program at church this past Sunday. I tried my hardest not to but I ended up crying a little bit. I tend to be emotional and then you get me in church with kids and music and the flood gates open. Now I wasn't crying to the point that I was sobbing, just a few tears down my cheek and a small sniffle or two. I wonder if Clay even noticed? Why did I cry? I would assume its because those kids were just too darn cute and I can't wait for the day that I have a small munchkin up there singing their little heart out.

And I know the Christmas counter has been wrong this whole time. Its just obvious now since it says 0 days until Christmas and its only the 23rd. So, I'll take it off in a few days.

I swear I had more to write about but it seems to escape me right now.

Elevated (part 2)

So, something has to be going on. For the past 3 days, my temp has been elevated, and I mean elevated more than the first post. Today my temp was 98.8 and it has been over 98 for the past 3 days. Online it says that if you follow a "textbook" cycle with your temps then you will be below 98 prior to ovulation and over 98 after ovulation. I have not had a temperature above 98 since the fake cycle of Provera I did in early November. So I am anxiously awaiting taking my daily temperature in the mornings. I keep hoping for temps over 98 (at least for the next few days) and then a nice Christmas present that would require getting out the box of Tampons. Oh I hope!

There are other signs too. Well maybe they aren't true signs but I'm reading them as signs. The "girls" are tender and a bit sore right now, which I think is a good sign and I think I had some cramps on Saturday/Sunday. Not sure if they were cramps since I haven't had cramps in so long, but let's call them cramps and keep the hope.

What's another 30 days?

Clay signed us up for the Biggest Loser Club to try to lose some weight and get back in shape. It's a hard time to do it given the holidays but he did it anyway. I got to thinking that maybe I should take a month off from the "TTC" (trying to conceive) game and just see if I can lose a few pounds. After all, what is another 30 days at this point?
I was thinking I could go ahead and call the doctor for another round of Provera now and then waiting the 30 days to request another in late January. This would give us ample time to have the infertility paperwork submitted and approved as well as get Clay tested without being on edge and craving the Clomid. Then I would have January and some of February to get back in the habit of working out and eating healthy. I figure whatever weight I lose I will gain back when I do get pregnant so maybe that would give me a leg up. Plus maybe losing a few pounds will help out the PCOS condition and the hormones. Maybe even 60 days and then we would do the Clomid toward the middle of Feb. 60 days from tomorrow is Valentine's Day (roughly) and really it will be here before I know it. Just something to think about......

Another wasted stick,

enough said.

It feels like chaos but somehow there's peace....

I saw this video on a different blog and it really spoke to me today. Just wanted to share. I really like the lyrics. I watched the video a few times to catch all the words and then I found out it is a song by one of my favorite bands Sanctus Real . I want to give a shout out to Liz for helping me figure out how to embed the video for my blog. Thanks Liz!

I want to pee on a stick

Since Friday, I have had the urge to take a pregnancy test. I have no idea why. I don't honestly think that I am pregnant, but I have wanted to take a test just to see. However, I only have one test left and I was going to wait to take it until January when I called the doctor about doing more Provera and starting the Clomid. But I just can't stop thinking about it. I've been thinking about it so much it has worked its way into my dreams. I have had two dreams about taking a test and it's the first thing on my mind when I wake up between 345 and 5 in the morning and have to pee. So I should just do it tomorrow morning, but I prob won't. I don't want the disappointment. I don't want the feeling that it's never going to show two blue lines. I want to live blindly in my hope and not be slapped on the face with disappointment and the reality that I have to wait longer to have what I want. I am being defiant and refusing to pee in that little Sponge Bob Squarepants cup and swirl the stick just to wait 2 minutes in false hope. I want the real thing. Real hope and real faith that one day it will happen. (And it will!) SO I am holding off another day. (I will probably fold tomorrow morning but we shall see....)

Timeline (updated, updated, and updated again)

So I'm keeping a paper copy of my timeline but I thought it may be better to keep online and then I can easily update when needed.

Jan 6-10th 2008- last period from birth control pills
May 9th 2008- Dr. Appt to discuss the lack of a menstrual cycle
May 9-18th- 1st prescription for Provera followed by short and light cycle
July 11th- Dr Appt for annual "peek and poke." Discussed lack of cycle
July 11-20th- 2nd cycle of Provera followed by light cycle over vacation
July 14th- Bloodwork done for PCOS labwork
August 31st- Started Metformin 500 mg 1x/day for 1 week
Sept 1-10th- Round 3 with Provera and fake cycles
Sept 5th- 1st acupuncture appt
Sept 7th- Increased Metformin to 2x/day for 2 weeks
Sept 9,11,16,19, 23- additional acupuncture appts
Sept 21st- Increased Metformin to 3x/day
Oct 1,8,14,21,30- additional acupuncture appts
Oct 8- Added Chinese herb #2....
Oct 21st- called Dr to talk about Metformin 750mg XR to change to 2x/day
Oct 24-Nov 2- Provera Round 4
Nov 2- added Chinces herb #3 Black Phoenix/White Chicken 4pills 2x/day
Nov 2- started charting basal body temps around 6am daily.
Nov 2-6 cycle from Provera
Nov 6, 20- acupuncture appts
Nov 12th- finally heard back from dr (Stacie=nurse) on what to expect for fertility treatments
Nov 14th- talked to Health Alliance. Found out have Enhanced Fertility coverage (best offered)
Dec 2nd- acupuncture appt
Dec 11th- last acupuncture appt
Dec 21- 3 month mark for Metformin at 1500mg/day
Dec 25th-Dec27th- 1st cycle on own (no Provera)
2009.....
Jan 7th- Insurance approval for fertility consultation
Jan 23rd- Clay has semen analysis done: First trip to fertility clinic in Champaign
Feb 10th-13th or 14th- 2nd cycle on my own
Feb 12th- My fertility consultation with Dr. Jarrett
Feb 12th- 1st ultrasound- saw cystic ovaries
Feb 12th-16th- Prescription of Letrozole for days 3-7 of cycle
Feb 21st- Ultrasound on day 12 in Champaign
March 24th- 2nd appt with Dr. Jarrett in Champaign

Upcoming things:
Additional acupuncture on Dec 11,17, and 22 (unless cancel)
January 2nd- file the infertility paperwork with Health Alliance)
Jan ? - Clay will be tested for his sperm count)
Jan??- Round 5 with Provera
Jan???- begin a 3 month try with Clomid on days 5-9 of the "fake" period.

I am a magnificent mess!

Today my Aunt Rachel came to visit and we went to the Immanuel Bible Foundation Women's Christmas Celebration. The guest speaker was Julie Barnhill, and she was excellent. She is a Christian speaker and delivers her message with a quirky style and humorous take on life. Today she spoke of women. We are all a mess. In fact we are all a magnificent mess (as that is the way that God intentionally made us). We are all or nothing and bring it upon ourselves. One of the best things to resolve this is to realize that we don't have it together and we don't have to. So, I want to try to remember that "I am a magnificent mess and it's okay not to have it all together."

Julie's presentation today was taped and will air a few times on tv later this month. I want to tape it and watch it again. She also has a few books (7 in fact) and I think I may try to read a few of them. Some of them deal with motherhood and those may be helpful for me in the future when we do have children. One of the interesting ones in "One Tough Mother." It says even tough mothers deal with depression, communication, stress, and anger. I also want to read the book Val recommended called "Parenting: from surviving to thriving." I need to make a note to buy those......

Hands of Hope

Life ends when you stop dreaming, hope ends when you stop believing, and love ends when you stop caring. So dream, hope, and love make life beautiful.

Photo found from: "All That I Can Say" by David Crowder

No more mouse turds?

So I think I made the decision today to be done with the acupuncture and Chinese herbs. It has become time consuming and expensive. At $60 a visit, I have spent more than $1,000 for sure going since September and each visit I don't seem to be making any progress according to the small Chinese man. I had scheduled more appointments in January and February at my last visit but I think I am going to cancel them and stop taking the small bb shaped mouse turd pills. I have an appointment today so I will see what my current diagnosis is and go from there. Just want to make the "right" decision and I'm not sure there is one in cases like this. It's a land of gray and maybe. Maybe it helps and maybe it doesn't.

Elevated

My basal body thermometer and I have become attached. I won't call us friends cause its kind of a pain in the arse to do every single morning, but I will say attached as it travelled to and from Omaha with me this weekend. Well yesterday when I took my temperature (half asleep like normal and wanting nothing more to go back to sleep and stay in bed all morning) it was elevated. Generally my temp is around 97.15-97.40ish at 6am. However yesterday it was 97.8 something. That is "elevated" in my book. I think it said if its elevated more than .3 or .4 and remains consistently high then that MAY be a sign of ovulation. Today my temp was 97.7 something (I have trouble remembering the digit in the hundredths place). I would say that is still a bit elevated. But I am on day 30 and 31 since my Provera cycle, so who knows if it really means anything at all. I did look back and I was a bit elevated around day 13 and 14 too so maybe its just a fluke.