Reading materials and other updates

I fell prey this weekend to buying the "books." We went to the bookstore for just one. I wanted to pick up the basic "What to Expect" book. I ended up buying an additional book about "Eating well" while expecting too. I have started reading and browsing through. I will see what I can learn. I have skipped a few bits and pieces here about not smoking, not drinking, not doing illegal drugs, etc... all the things that seem like no-brainers to me.

Other updates: Well..... I still sleep in my bra because my boobs are huge and a bit tender. I also have had a bit of nausea. I was finally able to describe it to Clay. It's like eating three corndogs (after the first your tummy is unhappy) and then riding a loopy roller coaster several times. You aren't quite sick enough to really throw-up but you are definitely queasy. I am finding it difficult not to tell certain people, like my moms, my sister-in-law, and a few other friends. I talked to my sister-in-law the other day and I was so close to telling her. We are going to tell her the Wed before we go to Florida. Then we will be telling both sets of parents. Clay came up with a really cute way to tell his parents (pending our little bean co-operates at its next photo shoot at 8 weeks). I will have to figure out how I want to tell my parents. Hmm.... I'm sure I'll come up with something to tell them they are going to have their first grandchild ;o)

11 lessons about having kids

This was a funny email sent to me today about having kids and I got a really good laugh, so I thought I would share. Clay asked his friend Bill if it held any validity and sure enough some of it does, so enjoy!

Thinking of Having Kids?
Do this 11 step program first!

Lesson 1
1. Go to the grocery store.
2. Arrange to have your salary paid directly to their head office.
3. Go home.
4. Pick up the paper.
5. Read it for the last time.

Lesson 2
Before you finally go ahead and have children, find a couple who already are parents and berate them about their...
1. Methods of discipline.
2. Lack of patience.
3. Appallingly low tolerance levels.
4. Allowing their children to run wild.
5. Suggest ways in which they might improve their child's breastfeeding, sleep habits, toilet training, table manners, and overall behavior.
6. Enjoy it because it will be the last time in your life you will have all the answers.

Lesson 3
A really good way to discover how the nights might feel...
1. Get home from work and immediately begin walking around the living room from 5PM to 10PM carrying a wet bag weighing approximately 8-12 pounds, with a radio turned to static (or some other obnoxious sound) playing loudly. (Eat cold food with one hand for dinner)
2. At 10PM, put the bag gently down, set the alarm for midnight, and go to sleep.
3. Get up at 12 and walk around the living room again, with the bag, until 1AM.
4. Set the alarm for 3AM.
5. As you can't get back to sleep, get up at 2AM and make a drink and watch an infomercial.
6. Go to bed at 2:45AM.
7. Get up at 3AM when the alarm goes off.
8. Sing songs quietly in the dark until 4AM.
9. Get up. Make breakfast. Get ready for work and go to work (work hard and
be productive)
Repeat steps 1-9 each night. Keep this up for 3-5 years. Look cheerful and together.

Lesson 4
Can you stand the mess children make? T o find out...
1. Smear peanut butter onto the sofa and jam onto the curtains.
2. Hide a piece of raw chicken behind the stereo and leave it there all summer.
3. Stick your fingers in the flower bed.
4. Then rub them on the clean walls.
5. Take your favorite book, photo album, etc. Wreck it.
6. Spill milk on your new pillows. Cover the stains with crayons. How does that look?

Lesson 5
Dressing small children is not as easy as it seems.
1. Buy an octopus and a small bag made out of loose mesh.
2. Attempt to put the octopus into the bag so that none of the arms hang out.
Time allowed for this - all morning.

Lesson 6
Forget the BMW and buy a mini-van. And don't think
that you can leave it out in the driveway spotless and shining. Family cars don't look like that.
1. Buy a chocolate ice cream cone and put it in the glove compartment.
Leave it there.
2. Get a dime. Stick it in the CD player.
3. Take a family size package of chocolate cookies. Mash them into the back seat.
4. Sprinkle cheerios all over the floor, then smash them with your foot.
5. Run a garden rake along both sides of the car.

Lesson 7
Go to the local grocery store. Take with you the closest thing you can find to a pre-school child. (A full-grown goat is an excellent choice). If you intend to have more than one child, then definitely take more than one goat. Buy your week's groceries without letting the goats out of your sight. Pay for everything the goat eats or destroys. Until you can easily accomplish this, do not even contemplate having children.


Lesson 8
1. Hollow out a melon.
2. Make a small hole in the side.
3. Suspend it from the ceiling and swing it from side to side.
4. Now get a bowl of soggy Cheerios and attempt to spoon them into the swaying melon by pretending to be an airplane.
5. Continue until half the Cheerios are gone.
6. Tip half into your lap. The other half, just throw up in the air.
You are now ready to feed a nine- month-old baby.

Lesson 9
Learn the names of every character from Sesame Street , Barney, Disney, the Teletubbies, and Pokemon. Watch nothing else on TV but PBS, the Disney channel or Noggin for at least five years. (I know, you're thinking What's 'Noggin'?) Exactly the point.

Lesson 10
Make a recording of Fran Drescher saying 'mommy' repeatedly. (Important: no more than a four second delay between each 'mommy'; occasional crescendo to the
level of a supersonic jet is required). Play this tape in your car everywhere you go for the next four years. You are now ready to take a long trip with a toddler.

Lesson 11
Start talking to an adult of your choice. Have someone else continually tug on your skirt hem, shirt- sleeve, or elbow while playing the 'mommy' tape made from Lesson 10 above. You are now ready to have a conversation with an adult while there is a child in the room.

HA! Let the fun begin!!!

Meeting my little bean: priceless

Today I took another trip to Urbana to see the doctor, but this trip was much different. I had an ultrasound (like normal) but instead of looking for follicles or cysts, we were looking for something so much better. We found this....

Ladies and gentlemen, please say hello to my little bean ;o)

This is real folks, it's really happening. It was the best feeling in the world to stare at that screen and see that small blob flicker. The heartbeat was very apparent and very strong. The nurse measured it at 158 bpm. The nurse took the time to explain everything. She double checked to make sure there was only bun in my oven (which was a big relief for Clay). She pointed out the yolk sac and took several measurements. We did also check my ovaries. The cyst in the right ovary is gone and the left ovary would not co-operate today so she didn't look there too long.
She shared some other information. She said the baby was about 0.5 cm long. That is about the length of the word "bean" as written in the post... so weird. Something so small 1) has a heartbeat 2) is my little baby and 3) will be here in approximately 34 weeks. Weird! AMAZING! It feels a bit more real. I really am pregnant. I can barely contain myself or the joy I feel.

Bedtime bra required and settling fears

The "girls" are a bit sore (and a bit on the large side) so last night I decided to wear a bra to bed. It helped so I may repeat again tonight. I am typically a stomach sleeper but that too isn't working too well right now I've tried to sleep on my side and my lower back hurts a bit. I may need to use an extra pillow I guess. I still don't feel pregnant and it's just all a little weird. I can't tell if at times I really am nauseous or if it's all in my head. I do know, however, I am excited about tomorrow's appointment. Maybe it will feel more real then when I can see it and ask some of my questions. I have some weird fears that I hope will be settled tomorrow after really seeing the sonogram. I have some slight cramping and I worry it is a bad thing. I wonder what happened to the cyst. I am scared about having "brownies" cause I don't want to hurt anything early and I don't want to spot. I think it would totally freak me out to see spotting now although I somewhat expect to see it each time I go to the bathroom. It just hasn't truly sunk in.... stay tuned for tomorrow's appt update.

Beta up!

I decided for my peace of mind that I wanted to do another blood test on Thursday to make sure my Beta numbers were still increasing. So, I went and drew blood again. The nurse called as we were in the car driving to Michigan and said my numbers were still good. They were over 5,000 now. WOW!! She said my numbers are high enough to suggest I am further along than they originally thought so they would like to move my sono up. They moved the sono to THIS coming Wednesday (May 27th). ;o) So Wednesday at 230 I will get to see my little baby for the first time. I hope that it isn't too early for a heartbeat... I just googled and you may be able to "see" a heartbeat at 5 weeks but usually don't "hear" it yet. I just want to see the little bean. With my numbers so high and so fast Clay and I have wondered if we could possibly be having more than one little one. Guess we will just have to wait and see. I think Clay is a bit scared at the idea of more than one but I'm open to it. (Although looking online now, I am still in the 5 week range that appears to go up to 7,000 so I have no clue.) We also talked about how far I can really be. In all honesty with my last cycle starting on April 15th, I really can't be any further than 5wk2day right now and 6wk when I go next Wed for the sono. It will be interesting to see what they say. I can't wait to see my little one. I'm still in a bit of shock over this whole thing. When will it really sink in?

Still in shock and other details

I couldn't sleep last night. I was up from 1220ish to after 330. For one thing, I had a killer headache and knew I couldn't take any ibuprofen and we don't keep Tylenol (item number 1 to buy). So after attempting to fall back asleep on the guest bed where I thought it was cooler, I gave up and decided to watch tv on the couch. As I laid there, I just kept thinking..."How in the world did I end up pregnant? Is this really happening?" Total shock!
This morning I called the doctor's office to schedule my sono. It will be June 5th. According to their calculations I will be 7 weeks and 2 days pregnant. I should be able to see a heartbeat. I discussed some other details with the nurse. We talked about my high beta level and the fact that I didn't need to retest, but she offered the option. Since I am paranoid now and a bit freaked out, I decided to do it. I will go have my blood drawn again tomorrow just to double check and make sure my numbers are increasing. Then I won't do anything until June 5th. I also asked about how long I will need to use the Prometrium inserts (until I'm 10 weeks) and how long I will continue to take my Metformin (until 2nd trimester). On a disappointing note, I asked how long I would be under Dr. Jarrett's care. She said that they generally do a 6 week and 8 week sono and then they release you to your regular OB/GYN. If they have any concerns they will do a 10 weeks sono but most are always released before the 2nd trimester. I do have my regular PAP scheduled for July and that's right around my 12 week mark so maybe I'll use that as my switch. The nurse mentioned that infertility patients sometimes have problems switching back to their regular ob/gyns because they are treated like "regular" pregnant women and aren't seen as often as we are used to seeing or talking to the RE. I will try to be patient and know that I am a regular pregnant woman;o) Laura (the nurse) did make a comment that I would prob be released quickly as I technically conceived on my own. Look out Dr. Dutta (my regular ob/gyn) here I come.

OMG! My eggo is prego!

I decided to test today. I had told myself I was going to test tomorrow for Mel's birthday but decided I should test today in case I needed to talk to the doctor (or even go see the doctor) on Wednesday before we headed out of town for the long weekend. I got up in the middle of the night to pee and just didn't feel like dealing with it so I went back to bed. Then I woke up again around 545am and decided it was time to test and get it over with. I decided to use one of the digital tests I recently purchased so that I wouldn't be able to fabricate a "faint" blue line. It would clearly say "not pregnant" and I could go about my day calling the doctor and such. I peed in my SpongeBob cup, dipped my stick, and laid it on the counter for the supposed 3 minute wait. I left the room as Clay needed to use the facilities too. I was laying on the guest bed and he came in and asked "What's this?" I said a pregnancy test and asked if it was still flashing. He said "no" so I went to look at it expecting to see "Not pregnant" but instead it just said one word.....PREGNANT. Really? I just stared at it. I'm pretty sure I asked Clay where the "Not" was. I decided it was a fluke and I needed another test so I pulled out the other one with the mysterious blue lines. I forced some more pee into a second SpongeBob cup for a "clean sample" and repeated. I kid you not, less than 5 seconds after laying the second test on the counter a DARK BLUE line was CLEARLY PRESENT. Holy SHIT!!! Blogger turned my picture sideways but that "bottom" line is the "OMG, you are really pregnant line." So in shock, I made my way to work. I called the doctor and when they called back I explained it all. I was instructed to go give blood to make sure. I immediately left and went to the lab at the dr's office here in town. I was done and back in less than 20 minutes. I was told I wouldn't have results until tomorrow and that I would need to go again on Thursday to see if the Beta numbers doubled. However, after leaving the dentist today at 4pm, I checked my voicemail and had a message from the nurse. It is official, as if you haven't figured it out by now I AM PREGNANT!!! My beta numbers were 2,855 and my progesterone was 18. The progesterone is a bit lower than they would like so I get to use the "creamy" inserts nightly again. However the beta numbers are so strong and positive that I do not have to go have blood drawn again on Thursday. I have a ton of questions for the nurse tomorrow when I call to schedule my sonogram, but tonight, I sit still in shock. This was the month we got taken off meds because of the cyst. This is the month that I didn't "prop or roll." This was the month I didn't "schedule" out my brownies. Most importantly.... this was the month for it to happen ;o) and I couldn't be happier. Oh and just in case you forgot what my positive pregnancy tests looked like......

Mother's Day

I wasn't quite sure how I was going to feel on Mother's Day this year. I barely remember Mother's Day last year. Yes, officially we were trying to conceive but I knew nothing would happen last year. In fact, I was just taking my first prescription of Provera for my "fake" period. This year was different.
I went to church like normal. I was scared for the moment I knew would come when the pastor had all the mothers stand and the congregation gave them all a round of applause. When will it be my turn to stand? Why could I not keep those few tears from sneaking out the corner of my eye? I tried so hard, but failed. I also failed to keep from crying during the Mother's Day video before the sermon and the video from the Single Mom's Morning Out they showed after the service. Can you have tear ducts removed? I should look into that... well, anyways.... I said my "Happy Mother's Day!" to friends and ladies at the church and smiled with their returns. Some ladies simply smiled and said "Thank you." Others said "You have a nice day." But, still others replied with "Happy Mother's Day to you too." Odd? Is this a normal response? Do they know that I'm a mother at heart but not "technically" one in the flesh? Is this what is said every year but I never noticed until now... why did it bother me coming from some people and not from others? This year was different. Weird and different.
I was surprised to get a text from a wonderful friend about a "package" she had left on my door. I was blessed with my very first Mother's Day card. I cried (Big surprise there, right? HA!). It was touching. It was heartfelt and sincere. It was like a big ole' hug after a bad day and settled the confusion from all the "Mother's Day" wishes at church. Clay didn't understand why I was given a Mother's Day card. Maybe guys just don't get it. It is a very nice card and will be cherished forever. The handwritten note inside will also be cherished! Thank you dear friend! YOU mean a lot to me and I hope you know that!!! An additional friend did give me a card and a small box of chocolates. It wasn't technically a Mother's Day card but she did wish me "Happy Mother's Day" when she gave it to me at church. Also a nice gesture from a good friend. So, I lost my train of thought but I can really sum it all up in three words... "It was different." Definitely different........

Did any one ask him if he was just trying to get pregnant?

Clay sent me the big baseball news from yesterday. Manny Ramirez of the Los Angeles Dodgers was suspended for 50 games due to a drug violation. Now drug violations (unfortunately) are common in baseball as in all professional sports (and really with so many games during a baseball season, 50 games isn't that many), but the kicker is the drug that he got suspended for...The headline reads Ramirez used FERTILITY drug . A different article reads "the drug used by Ramirez is HCG -- human chorionic gonadotropin. HCG is a women's fertility drug." Gonadotropins are what Clay and I will be using as our injections. They help promote the growth of the follicle/egg, so my question to Manny, "Were you trying to get pregnant?"
Okay, so really I understand that is not why he was using them. The article says "A source with intimate knowledge of steroids told ESPN that a male athlete usually uses HCG after a cycle of steroids because steroids often shut down the testosterone-making ability of the testicles. HCG restores their capacity to make testosterone. The source said that some males may use HCG in lieu of steroids also. HCG by itself can provide a substantial boost in the body's own testosterone, and this may provide some performance-enhancement benefits." Who knew?
Wonder how much he was taking? Wonder what injection site he used? Still makes me smile and shake my head..... fertility drugs in the news for a baseball player. What is the world coming to?

Time to write a book

Mel and I read quite a few books. Over the past year we have joked about writing books. Most of the books we read have happy endings. The man and woman always end up together, happy and often married. Mel wants to write the "real life" version where not everything is roses and puppy dog tails or rainbows and unicorns.
Well I think I should write my own book about infertility. Don't get me wrong there are plenty of "technical" books about infertility: its causes, treatments, etc. But what about a book from the personal and honest point of view of someone who is infertile?
Now technically I got half the idea from this post on a blog called Learning to accept my infertility . The woman from that blog indicated she went to Barnes N Noble to buy the "What to Expect when Expecting" book and almost hyperventilated. She was unable to make the purchase. She asked where the book was for infertile woman who end up pregnant. Good question!! She points out that infertility can put fear in your heart and steal some of the joy and excitement away from the whole experience. Infertility is a mean machine for sure.
So, why not write a book. Write it about the infertile woman's longing to be a mom, the struggle, the emotions, the ups, the downs, the hope, the pain, the tears. Write it in the good times and in the bad, leaving nothing out. Make it truly UNFILTERED. I bet I could do it.... would any one read it?
So I brainstormed a few quick chapter titles which I know I could ramble on and on about. Topics could include:

• Infertility: Now a permanent part of me (of us)
• Intimacy Interrupted: when there are more than 2 people in the bedroom
• Waiting, Waiting, Waiting
• Fear and hope
• Other pregnant people: Reminders abound
• Hearing the same ole' thing from others (This chapter deals with those phrases people tell you over and over.... it will happen someday, maybe you should relax, you are still young, have you tried this, etc, etc, etc)
• Can you spot the infertile?
• Infertility never leaves your mind or heart
• Other chapters I can't name yet that deal with being pregnant after a long journey with infertility.

I would even want to include excerpts from other blogs I read (with permission of course) or maybe they would want to write a few paragraphs with me. We could donate all the proceeds to infertile women who don't have good health insurance coverage. I read yesterday on a blog (pretty sure it was the same one with this book idea but maybe not) that she got fired for using PTO for too many Dr appts to see her RE (fertility specialist) because infertility was an option and not a disease. WHAT THE F#@*!?? Some people are so ignorant. Really! Anyways, off topic.... I should sit down and write on those topics. Hell maybe I can just publish this blog someday.

Tears and Hope video: Grab the Kleenex

I was once again blog hopping and found a blog that made me stop and take a look around. A few particular posts spoke to me. I will share them both. The first had this video. I can't find it on YouTube to embed it so you will have to use the link and watch it.

I have watched it a few times now and cry each time, so grab your Kleenex.....

http://www.tearsandhope.com/emptyarms_video.html

Our daily bread

My MIL (mother- in- law) just sent me a super sweet email. She said that after reading the devotional today from "Our Daily Bread" she thought of me and said a short prayer. As fate would have it I guess, I had my copy of the devotional at work with me today, so I took a moment to read it. It is entitled "At just the right time." In short it talks of God's perfect timing of his plan. It illustrates this with the perfect timing that God sent his son Jesus to us to be slain for our sins. Specifically the last paragraph and prayer spoke to me. It said:

"...the Lord knows what time is best for us as well. If you’re waiting for answered prayer or the fulfillment of one of His promises, don’t give up. If you think He has forgotten you, think again. When the fullness of time is right for you, He’ll show up—and you’ll be amazed by His brilliant timing!"

The prayer:
Not ours to know the reason why
Unanswered is our prayer,
But ours to wait for God’s own time
To lift the cross we bear. —Anon.

I have been writing things that speak to me in the front of my bible, and I think I will be writing that short prayer. It is not for me to know why I am struggling so much to have a baby but I know that there is a plan. I know that I just need to continue to wait for God's perfect timing.

TIME....it's all relative

Geez, I haven't posted here since April 23rd. That was only 11 days ago but it seems like an eternity. That's the weird thing about time when you are infertile. The weeks seem to go fast as you keep yourself busy or distracted from your worries, but time stands still. I'm not sure I can exactly explain what I mean, but I know if you have ever felt that way, you know EXACTLY what I mean. I think you can experience the feeling in many situations. I just discovered the weird feeling facing my infertility struggles.... so let me tell you some of the stuff happening in the last 11 days...

1. My temps have been elevated above 98 since day 8. According to fertilityfriend.com I ovulated early. Here is my chart: I guess I'm supposed to "test" on Monday May 11th, which follows the

birthday pattern I seem to have going. (You know, bloodwork on my birthday, test on my father-in-laws birthday, get my period on Braden's birthday (also tax day), go to the doctor on Clay's birthday and then May 11th well that is Laura's birthday, so you see everytime I do something it's on someone's birthday.) In all honesty, I'm anticipating the monkey's arrival on Mother's Day this Sunday the 10th. I already have the post title "Not a mother on Mother's Day." Sounds a bit depressing but that is my working title for now. Oh but to throw a monkey wrench (not an intentional play on words) in the chart, my temp was way up this morning so they may move my ovulation if it's still up tomorrow. Who knows?

2. Last Thursday (I think) I ran into an old co-worker friend who also struggled with infertility. He and his wife now have two beautiful boys. He and I talked a bit about where Clay and I were at with everything. I found out that they too used Dr. Jarrett and loved him. They did quite a few cycles of IUI (in-uterine insemination) and I don't know all the details but it was reassuring to speak with him for a few minutes. I wrote him a brief email after returning to my desk thanking him for his prayers and for taking the time to listen. He replied with three short and touching words, "Keep the hope." Oh how hard it is, but I know he understands day after day how the hope comes and goes depending on so many factors. Too many factors to explain. I will have to email him occasionally and talk it out. It's nice too to hear a man's perspective on it all. I can't pretend to even understand the emotions or thoughts Clay may be going through. I only know my own mixed up world of confusion and often pain.

3. This past weekend, I also volunteered for our church's Single Mom's Morning Out. I spent a great deal of time at the church on Friday decorating and then on Saturday for the event. It was nice to feel like I was helping and making a difference in someone's life, but a part was also hard to see all these wonderful and adorable children and not having one of my own. I was especially drawn to a little boy named Jaelyn. We sang SpongeBob and played outside with his balloon puppy while his mom waited on the cab to come get them. He had so much energy!! When the cab finally got there (35 minutes later) I picked him up to carry him over to the cab. As I did, he gave me the biggest hug and a kiss on the check. It was love in its purest form. I can not wait for the day I have my own child to hug.

In addition at the SMMO, I met a wonderful lady named LeeAnn. When I asked her how many children she had (as we got to talking), she answered "I have 2 in heaven and 3 here on Earth." We shared some stories and I felt very comfortable sharing my story with her and the hurdles that I face in my journey to motherhood. I could feel the sincere support in her words.

4. The blog hopping I do on the other infertility blogs has been so touching lately. I can't begin to share all of the things I have read that have made me cry or touched my life over the past 11 days.
This post makes a statement that is a great Why question. It says "God gave me a deep desire to be a mother and He allowed me to be infertile. " So my question is Why? What is God up to? What is his purpose in all of this madness I face? What does he have planned? Actually it isn't that God allowed me to be infertile. He made me this way. He makes each of us uniquely according to his will, so he must have a plan for me. The same lady wrote this post too. Her imaginary letter from Jesus made me cry. I wonder what his letter to me would say?

There are so many more blog examples too. Others center on God asking "Do you trust me?" I will try to find more of them later. It also reminds me of the question in the "Facing the Giants" movie the lead character has to answer. Her husband asked her if she would still love God even if she never became a mother. Tough questions that should be easy to answer but when your in the middle of the storm and can't see the sunlight........well....it's hard to explain...... I think that is why I love reading their blogs so much. These women facing what I am are so full of faith. Their stories give others hope and comfort that we aren't alone. That good things do happen or that God hasn't forgotten about us.

Okay, this post took a turn to a more theological (is that the right word?) side, but all of the questions have continued to surface and I search for the answers with hope and in time because time is all relative. Someday looking back, it will seem that this time on my bumpy road was short and well worth the end destination.