TIME....it's all relative

Geez, I haven't posted here since April 23rd. That was only 11 days ago but it seems like an eternity. That's the weird thing about time when you are infertile. The weeks seem to go fast as you keep yourself busy or distracted from your worries, but time stands still. I'm not sure I can exactly explain what I mean, but I know if you have ever felt that way, you know EXACTLY what I mean. I think you can experience the feeling in many situations. I just discovered the weird feeling facing my infertility struggles.... so let me tell you some of the stuff happening in the last 11 days...

1. My temps have been elevated above 98 since day 8. According to fertilityfriend.com I ovulated early. Here is my chart: I guess I'm supposed to "test" on Monday May 11th, which follows the

birthday pattern I seem to have going. (You know, bloodwork on my birthday, test on my father-in-laws birthday, get my period on Braden's birthday (also tax day), go to the doctor on Clay's birthday and then May 11th well that is Laura's birthday, so you see everytime I do something it's on someone's birthday.) In all honesty, I'm anticipating the monkey's arrival on Mother's Day this Sunday the 10th. I already have the post title "Not a mother on Mother's Day." Sounds a bit depressing but that is my working title for now. Oh but to throw a monkey wrench (not an intentional play on words) in the chart, my temp was way up this morning so they may move my ovulation if it's still up tomorrow. Who knows?

2. Last Thursday (I think) I ran into an old co-worker friend who also struggled with infertility. He and his wife now have two beautiful boys. He and I talked a bit about where Clay and I were at with everything. I found out that they too used Dr. Jarrett and loved him. They did quite a few cycles of IUI (in-uterine insemination) and I don't know all the details but it was reassuring to speak with him for a few minutes. I wrote him a brief email after returning to my desk thanking him for his prayers and for taking the time to listen. He replied with three short and touching words, "Keep the hope." Oh how hard it is, but I know he understands day after day how the hope comes and goes depending on so many factors. Too many factors to explain. I will have to email him occasionally and talk it out. It's nice too to hear a man's perspective on it all. I can't pretend to even understand the emotions or thoughts Clay may be going through. I only know my own mixed up world of confusion and often pain.

3. This past weekend, I also volunteered for our church's Single Mom's Morning Out. I spent a great deal of time at the church on Friday decorating and then on Saturday for the event. It was nice to feel like I was helping and making a difference in someone's life, but a part was also hard to see all these wonderful and adorable children and not having one of my own. I was especially drawn to a little boy named Jaelyn. We sang SpongeBob and played outside with his balloon puppy while his mom waited on the cab to come get them. He had so much energy!! When the cab finally got there (35 minutes later) I picked him up to carry him over to the cab. As I did, he gave me the biggest hug and a kiss on the check. It was love in its purest form. I can not wait for the day I have my own child to hug.

In addition at the SMMO, I met a wonderful lady named LeeAnn. When I asked her how many children she had (as we got to talking), she answered "I have 2 in heaven and 3 here on Earth." We shared some stories and I felt very comfortable sharing my story with her and the hurdles that I face in my journey to motherhood. I could feel the sincere support in her words.

4. The blog hopping I do on the other infertility blogs has been so touching lately. I can't begin to share all of the things I have read that have made me cry or touched my life over the past 11 days.
This post makes a statement that is a great Why question. It says "God gave me a deep desire to be a mother and He allowed me to be infertile. " So my question is Why? What is God up to? What is his purpose in all of this madness I face? What does he have planned? Actually it isn't that God allowed me to be infertile. He made me this way. He makes each of us uniquely according to his will, so he must have a plan for me. The same lady wrote this post too. Her imaginary letter from Jesus made me cry. I wonder what his letter to me would say?

There are so many more blog examples too. Others center on God asking "Do you trust me?" I will try to find more of them later. It also reminds me of the question in the "Facing the Giants" movie the lead character has to answer. Her husband asked her if she would still love God even if she never became a mother. Tough questions that should be easy to answer but when your in the middle of the storm and can't see the sunlight........well....it's hard to explain...... I think that is why I love reading their blogs so much. These women facing what I am are so full of faith. Their stories give others hope and comfort that we aren't alone. That good things do happen or that God hasn't forgotten about us.

Okay, this post took a turn to a more theological (is that the right word?) side, but all of the questions have continued to surface and I search for the answers with hope and in time because time is all relative. Someday looking back, it will seem that this time on my bumpy road was short and well worth the end destination.