Mother's Day

I wasn't quite sure how I was going to feel on Mother's Day this year. I barely remember Mother's Day last year. Yes, officially we were trying to conceive but I knew nothing would happen last year. In fact, I was just taking my first prescription of Provera for my "fake" period. This year was different.
I went to church like normal. I was scared for the moment I knew would come when the pastor had all the mothers stand and the congregation gave them all a round of applause. When will it be my turn to stand? Why could I not keep those few tears from sneaking out the corner of my eye? I tried so hard, but failed. I also failed to keep from crying during the Mother's Day video before the sermon and the video from the Single Mom's Morning Out they showed after the service. Can you have tear ducts removed? I should look into that... well, anyways.... I said my "Happy Mother's Day!" to friends and ladies at the church and smiled with their returns. Some ladies simply smiled and said "Thank you." Others said "You have a nice day." But, still others replied with "Happy Mother's Day to you too." Odd? Is this a normal response? Do they know that I'm a mother at heart but not "technically" one in the flesh? Is this what is said every year but I never noticed until now... why did it bother me coming from some people and not from others? This year was different. Weird and different.
I was surprised to get a text from a wonderful friend about a "package" she had left on my door. I was blessed with my very first Mother's Day card. I cried (Big surprise there, right? HA!). It was touching. It was heartfelt and sincere. It was like a big ole' hug after a bad day and settled the confusion from all the "Mother's Day" wishes at church. Clay didn't understand why I was given a Mother's Day card. Maybe guys just don't get it. It is a very nice card and will be cherished forever. The handwritten note inside will also be cherished! Thank you dear friend! YOU mean a lot to me and I hope you know that!!! An additional friend did give me a card and a small box of chocolates. It wasn't technically a Mother's Day card but she did wish me "Happy Mother's Day" when she gave it to me at church. Also a nice gesture from a good friend. So, I lost my train of thought but I can really sum it all up in three words... "It was different." Definitely different........

Did any one ask him if he was just trying to get pregnant?

Clay sent me the big baseball news from yesterday. Manny Ramirez of the Los Angeles Dodgers was suspended for 50 games due to a drug violation. Now drug violations (unfortunately) are common in baseball as in all professional sports (and really with so many games during a baseball season, 50 games isn't that many), but the kicker is the drug that he got suspended for...The headline reads Ramirez used FERTILITY drug . A different article reads "the drug used by Ramirez is HCG -- human chorionic gonadotropin. HCG is a women's fertility drug." Gonadotropins are what Clay and I will be using as our injections. They help promote the growth of the follicle/egg, so my question to Manny, "Were you trying to get pregnant?"
Okay, so really I understand that is not why he was using them. The article says "A source with intimate knowledge of steroids told ESPN that a male athlete usually uses HCG after a cycle of steroids because steroids often shut down the testosterone-making ability of the testicles. HCG restores their capacity to make testosterone. The source said that some males may use HCG in lieu of steroids also. HCG by itself can provide a substantial boost in the body's own testosterone, and this may provide some performance-enhancement benefits." Who knew?
Wonder how much he was taking? Wonder what injection site he used? Still makes me smile and shake my head..... fertility drugs in the news for a baseball player. What is the world coming to?

Time to write a book

Mel and I read quite a few books. Over the past year we have joked about writing books. Most of the books we read have happy endings. The man and woman always end up together, happy and often married. Mel wants to write the "real life" version where not everything is roses and puppy dog tails or rainbows and unicorns.
Well I think I should write my own book about infertility. Don't get me wrong there are plenty of "technical" books about infertility: its causes, treatments, etc. But what about a book from the personal and honest point of view of someone who is infertile?
Now technically I got half the idea from this post on a blog called Learning to accept my infertility . The woman from that blog indicated she went to Barnes N Noble to buy the "What to Expect when Expecting" book and almost hyperventilated. She was unable to make the purchase. She asked where the book was for infertile woman who end up pregnant. Good question!! She points out that infertility can put fear in your heart and steal some of the joy and excitement away from the whole experience. Infertility is a mean machine for sure.
So, why not write a book. Write it about the infertile woman's longing to be a mom, the struggle, the emotions, the ups, the downs, the hope, the pain, the tears. Write it in the good times and in the bad, leaving nothing out. Make it truly UNFILTERED. I bet I could do it.... would any one read it?
So I brainstormed a few quick chapter titles which I know I could ramble on and on about. Topics could include:

• Infertility: Now a permanent part of me (of us)
• Intimacy Interrupted: when there are more than 2 people in the bedroom
• Waiting, Waiting, Waiting
• Fear and hope
• Other pregnant people: Reminders abound
• Hearing the same ole' thing from others (This chapter deals with those phrases people tell you over and over.... it will happen someday, maybe you should relax, you are still young, have you tried this, etc, etc, etc)
• Can you spot the infertile?
• Infertility never leaves your mind or heart
• Other chapters I can't name yet that deal with being pregnant after a long journey with infertility.

I would even want to include excerpts from other blogs I read (with permission of course) or maybe they would want to write a few paragraphs with me. We could donate all the proceeds to infertile women who don't have good health insurance coverage. I read yesterday on a blog (pretty sure it was the same one with this book idea but maybe not) that she got fired for using PTO for too many Dr appts to see her RE (fertility specialist) because infertility was an option and not a disease. WHAT THE F#@*!?? Some people are so ignorant. Really! Anyways, off topic.... I should sit down and write on those topics. Hell maybe I can just publish this blog someday.

Tears and Hope video: Grab the Kleenex

I was once again blog hopping and found a blog that made me stop and take a look around. A few particular posts spoke to me. I will share them both. The first had this video. I can't find it on YouTube to embed it so you will have to use the link and watch it.

I have watched it a few times now and cry each time, so grab your Kleenex.....

http://www.tearsandhope.com/emptyarms_video.html

Our daily bread

My MIL (mother- in- law) just sent me a super sweet email. She said that after reading the devotional today from "Our Daily Bread" she thought of me and said a short prayer. As fate would have it I guess, I had my copy of the devotional at work with me today, so I took a moment to read it. It is entitled "At just the right time." In short it talks of God's perfect timing of his plan. It illustrates this with the perfect timing that God sent his son Jesus to us to be slain for our sins. Specifically the last paragraph and prayer spoke to me. It said:

"...the Lord knows what time is best for us as well. If you’re waiting for answered prayer or the fulfillment of one of His promises, don’t give up. If you think He has forgotten you, think again. When the fullness of time is right for you, He’ll show up—and you’ll be amazed by His brilliant timing!"

The prayer:
Not ours to know the reason why
Unanswered is our prayer,
But ours to wait for God’s own time
To lift the cross we bear. —Anon.

I have been writing things that speak to me in the front of my bible, and I think I will be writing that short prayer. It is not for me to know why I am struggling so much to have a baby but I know that there is a plan. I know that I just need to continue to wait for God's perfect timing.

TIME....it's all relative

Geez, I haven't posted here since April 23rd. That was only 11 days ago but it seems like an eternity. That's the weird thing about time when you are infertile. The weeks seem to go fast as you keep yourself busy or distracted from your worries, but time stands still. I'm not sure I can exactly explain what I mean, but I know if you have ever felt that way, you know EXACTLY what I mean. I think you can experience the feeling in many situations. I just discovered the weird feeling facing my infertility struggles.... so let me tell you some of the stuff happening in the last 11 days...

1. My temps have been elevated above 98 since day 8. According to fertilityfriend.com I ovulated early. Here is my chart: I guess I'm supposed to "test" on Monday May 11th, which follows the

birthday pattern I seem to have going. (You know, bloodwork on my birthday, test on my father-in-laws birthday, get my period on Braden's birthday (also tax day), go to the doctor on Clay's birthday and then May 11th well that is Laura's birthday, so you see everytime I do something it's on someone's birthday.) In all honesty, I'm anticipating the monkey's arrival on Mother's Day this Sunday the 10th. I already have the post title "Not a mother on Mother's Day." Sounds a bit depressing but that is my working title for now. Oh but to throw a monkey wrench (not an intentional play on words) in the chart, my temp was way up this morning so they may move my ovulation if it's still up tomorrow. Who knows?

2. Last Thursday (I think) I ran into an old co-worker friend who also struggled with infertility. He and his wife now have two beautiful boys. He and I talked a bit about where Clay and I were at with everything. I found out that they too used Dr. Jarrett and loved him. They did quite a few cycles of IUI (in-uterine insemination) and I don't know all the details but it was reassuring to speak with him for a few minutes. I wrote him a brief email after returning to my desk thanking him for his prayers and for taking the time to listen. He replied with three short and touching words, "Keep the hope." Oh how hard it is, but I know he understands day after day how the hope comes and goes depending on so many factors. Too many factors to explain. I will have to email him occasionally and talk it out. It's nice too to hear a man's perspective on it all. I can't pretend to even understand the emotions or thoughts Clay may be going through. I only know my own mixed up world of confusion and often pain.

3. This past weekend, I also volunteered for our church's Single Mom's Morning Out. I spent a great deal of time at the church on Friday decorating and then on Saturday for the event. It was nice to feel like I was helping and making a difference in someone's life, but a part was also hard to see all these wonderful and adorable children and not having one of my own. I was especially drawn to a little boy named Jaelyn. We sang SpongeBob and played outside with his balloon puppy while his mom waited on the cab to come get them. He had so much energy!! When the cab finally got there (35 minutes later) I picked him up to carry him over to the cab. As I did, he gave me the biggest hug and a kiss on the check. It was love in its purest form. I can not wait for the day I have my own child to hug.

In addition at the SMMO, I met a wonderful lady named LeeAnn. When I asked her how many children she had (as we got to talking), she answered "I have 2 in heaven and 3 here on Earth." We shared some stories and I felt very comfortable sharing my story with her and the hurdles that I face in my journey to motherhood. I could feel the sincere support in her words.

4. The blog hopping I do on the other infertility blogs has been so touching lately. I can't begin to share all of the things I have read that have made me cry or touched my life over the past 11 days.
This post makes a statement that is a great Why question. It says "God gave me a deep desire to be a mother and He allowed me to be infertile. " So my question is Why? What is God up to? What is his purpose in all of this madness I face? What does he have planned? Actually it isn't that God allowed me to be infertile. He made me this way. He makes each of us uniquely according to his will, so he must have a plan for me. The same lady wrote this post too. Her imaginary letter from Jesus made me cry. I wonder what his letter to me would say?

There are so many more blog examples too. Others center on God asking "Do you trust me?" I will try to find more of them later. It also reminds me of the question in the "Facing the Giants" movie the lead character has to answer. Her husband asked her if she would still love God even if she never became a mother. Tough questions that should be easy to answer but when your in the middle of the storm and can't see the sunlight........well....it's hard to explain...... I think that is why I love reading their blogs so much. These women facing what I am are so full of faith. Their stories give others hope and comfort that we aren't alone. That good things do happen or that God hasn't forgotten about us.

Okay, this post took a turn to a more theological (is that the right word?) side, but all of the questions have continued to surface and I search for the answers with hope and in time because time is all relative. Someday looking back, it will seem that this time on my bumpy road was short and well worth the end destination.