You want me to put that pill where?

On Wednesday I was given a prescription for some gel tab Progesterone meds. There was one stipulation the doctor gave. These wouldn't be taken like normal pills. These would be taken vaginally. You want me to put that pill where?
So, starting tomorrow and for at least the next 15 days, I will be taking 2 of these Progesterone "pills" per day. One in the morning and one at night as close to 12 hours apart as possible. Here is my thought. How is it going to stay in? Is it going to feel like a tampon? Is it going to be messy as it dissolves? Will it have any side effects?
I guess if taken orally the pills make you tired. The Dr. said there really aren't any side effects if taken vaginally. Mel has used something similar and didn't like them.
And I say at LEAST 15 days because IF I end up pregnant or my cycle doesn't come in those 15 days, then I am to continue using them until I talk to the doctor. So 15 days from tomorrow I can test if the cycle isn't here yet. That is the Monday the 16th according to Clay. If it were up to me I would test sooner but I will have to be patient. Means I will be calling the doctor on the 16th to let them know where I stand....15 days...

Chinese fortunes

Clay and I like Chinese food a great deal. We are getting ready to start living solely off of Clay's income (if we can) and that will mean less fast food and eating out. Tonight, however, we lived it up for some Chinese. For the first time in years, our favorite place messed up my order. Instead of getting pork fried rice, I got chicken fried rice (very blan). Regardless, I enjoy the fortune cookies and the end of the meal.
Like some or maybe most, Clay and I play the "in bed" game where you add the words "in bed" to the end of your fortune. Sometimes it works and sometimes it doesn't. Tonight I liked my fortune either way. Clay's fortune wasn't as good but still works.

Clay's fortune said: "You will be unusual successful in business....in bed"
Mine said: "Sing and rejoice, fortune is smiling on you....in bed"

Then we had two bonus fortunes....
Bonus fortune #1 said: "Versatility is one of your outstanding traits....in bed"
Bonus fortune #2 said: "Good beginning is half-done....in bed"

Well, weren't those good! Even if you take off the "in bed" that we jokingly add, I would say these were good fortunes to have tonight. Fortune can smile on me in this journey and I would love to say our good beginning is half done and we will be successful in (our) business ;o) I think you can get my drift here.

Here's hoping the cookies are wise and speak of fortunes yet to come.

Stop, Prop, and Roll (and then just lay there)

Firefighters and teachers tell you growing up "If ever on fire, remember to 'Stop, drop, and roll." Well, the motto I now have is "Stop, Prop, and Roll." You see those were my instructions in a way. Not in those exact words but I like to jazz it up. After the deed is done (hence the Stop) I am to prop up my hips on a pillow (thanks to my tilted uterus) and roll left (since the left ovary is ovulating this month. Next month we may roll right but for now its to the left.) Now I like to think I have an advantage. Most women trying to conceive (and not under the care of a RE) have no clue which ovary is getting to work that month. I on the other hand can specifically roll to that side to "encourage" things along. However, here is the catch. I have to LAY there for 15-30 minutes (which I would have done anyways). 30 minutes gets a bit boring when you are laying on your left hip and staring at the wall. I can't see the TV and its hard to read, so I lay. Last night I fell asleep but Clay hit me cause I made some sort of squeaky sound. (He got in trouble for that. I don't know why he didn't just let me sleep. His defense was "Well you usually don't wake up." What? So you often hit me in my sleep just cause I made a noise. We will have to discuss that later.) Oh and of course I have to do the full 30 minutes cause my husband heard the instructions loud and clear. So one more official night for Stop, Prop, and Roll this month and then some more waiting to see if anything happened.

My chiastic structure

I am going to share more from my Bible study on Esther. Last night we learned a bit about HOW Esther was actually written and that due to the lack of current methods of punctuation, bolding, italics, and other tricks for emphasis and meaning, the author used advanced literary devices to provide emphasis and meaning. The first literary device we learned about last night was chiastic structure.

Chiastic structure is an inverted parallelism. It is a reversal of structures to emphasize and overarching point. Beth Moore gave a few examples like: Don't live to eat, but eat to live or I'm not scared to fight, I fight because I'm scared.

To help remember what chiastic structure is we learned that it begins with CHI which is the 22nd letter of the Greek alphabet. The 22nd letter of our alphabet is an X and this letter itself represents the crisscross of a chiasm or crossing.

As I was sitting there listening, I tried to write my own. (I later read today's reading and it asks me to do the same so I'm glad I already had a few in mind.)

Here is what I was thinking......

I'm waiting to be a mother but I'll be a mom because I waited.
(Does this make sense. It does to me but it's so hard to explain.)

Appointment amnesia

Oh my! I really need to invest in a tape recorder. I suffer from appointment amnesia right after the doctor leaves the room. However, here is what I remember from today's appointment. I know that I remember all the important things, so here goes.....

We did another ultrasound. The nurse this time wasn't as nice as Linda. I was hoping it would have been Linda but she must have been busy. She didn't measure any of the follicles on the right. She did however comment that I had BEAUTIFUL uterine lining. Great! Nice to hear, thank you! Then she went for the left ovary and OH MY! There was a VERY BIG follicle ;o) She said, "Well look at that mature follicle. There is an egg in there." She measured it but didn't say much. Then we were done and she took us across the hall to wait for Dr. Jarrett.

Clay and I sat in the small room reading various pamphlets and waiting. Dr. Jarrett came in and gave a big smile. I don't remember what he said but it got us to smile too. Overall point of the appointment: I grew a mature follicle. He said it measured 23x17mm (remember that 16-24 is the mature range and 18-22 is ideal). He said we were going to go ahead and do a shot of HCG to induce ovulation, gave us our orders for sex, and talked about the prescription for progesterone support after ovulation. We talked about the progesterone support and when I would want to take a pregnancy test if I didn't have my period. He did also mention that my lining was good and thick at 8mm. It was a good but short visit. Then he left and in walked Linda! YEAH LINDA!

She repeated our instructions for "brownies" tonight, tomorrow, and Friday. She explained the progesterone again and verified the dates for beginning the support, and dates for testing. She added a blood test in one week after ovulation to check my hormone levels. It will actually be on my birthday. We also talked about laying after "brownies" and how I should elevate with a pillow given my tilted uterus and then roll left since the mature follicle will be from my left ovary. She also gave me my very first shot and sent us on our way home.

We stopped by the pharmacy on the way home to get the progesterone. It was a bit more than I expected but it has more than I need. I start that on Sunday and go for 15 days. Then at the end of that I will take a test. There will be some timing to work out given right around that time we will be in Atlanta, GA visiting Laura and Marc. I may test before and after, we will just have to wait and see.

So there you have it. What I remember. The important part....I have an egg! One glorious mature egg from my left ovary measuring 23x17. I was given a shot to induce ovulation and orders to have lots of sex (can do!). Now it's just up the big man above and the timing in his plan.

Oh and IT WAS A GOOD DAY!

10 things you need when you start fertility treatments

1. Patience- Even after waiting a year to see the doctor, there is still more waiting. Today I spent the day waiting for the nurse to call with my updated results from this morning's ultrasound. I went a little nuts like Gigi from the movie "He's just not that into you." I was constantly checking my phone to see if she called and I just missed it. I must have checked at least 4 or 5 times during a 2 hour meeting. I checked and checked it again. Finally, it was time to call. It was 4pm which would have been close to 5pm Indiana time (or doctor time as I should call it). I left a message for the nurse and then waited some more. (She called at 5pm.)
2. Flexibility- No I am not talking about flexibility to get those feet up in the stirrups or flexibility in your neck to crane yourself around to see the ultrasound screen so you too can see your ovaries. I am talking about flexibility in scheduling. I had an ultrasound on Saturday, then had another this morning at 815am. Now after my 5pm phone call, I will have yet another on Wednesday at 1245pm. This one will be in Urbana again so I will be hitting the road. I will remain flexible to put the doctor first.
3. A laid back husband- Facing fertility treatments can drive a woman crazy. I was already a bit crazy to begin with but this at times can push me even more over the edge. I am so very thankful for Clay and his laid back demeanor. He keeps me under control when I push the envelope to crazyville.
4. A few good friends- A few good friends to talk to is a definite must. Someone to talk to is so good for the soul and nothing is better than a girlfriend. Clay is great but sometimes he doesn't understand so its nice to have a few good friends to laugh at you, cry with you, or just listen to you. It's so nice to know other people care about your obsession.
5. A proactive doctor- I love that my doctor is proactive and has been since day 1. I think it comes from his experience. He has been doing this since 1985... that's since I was 5 years old. He does what he wants and has the same very goal. He doesn't want to waste our time or our money. Love him!!
6. A caring nurse to assist- I don't know if I have mentioned this or not but I also love the nurses already. You can see the genuine care they give. Linda the nurse has been great.
7. A tank full of gas- With the miles ahead driving back and forth to Urbana, I am bound to need a tank of gas to get me there.
8. A good internet connection- There are a lot of terms and procedures that come up when faced with infertility. A good internet connection goes a long way. I can spend HOURS looking up things on the internet and learning more about things ahead or things that affect me. I love the informational aspect about it all. I just hope my brain can hold it all.
9. Some really good drugs- It helps to be a pill popper. I will continue my Metformin and Dr. J said it would be my best friend. I will also be taking lots of different drugs at different times. I have already done Provera and Letrozole. I am sure there will be many many many many more to come.
10. No fear! If shots lay ahead and I'm sure they do. In fact I have the one in my fridge already for the future. I can not be scared of the pain and bruising that will be involved or the fear of things to come. In fact, I am not scared at all. I'm excited.

I am sure that my list will change if you ask me again in a few months but this is what I think now. It started with just patience and flexibility but I realized I should count more of my blessings that I have.

"Ap-ap! From now on Cervical Mucus, will be referred to as Icky Sticky" - Elliot Reid

You may or may not get the reference in the title, but Clay and I watch A LOT of scrubs and one of our favorite characters is Dr. Elliot Reid. She can't talk about male and female sex parts correctly so when Turk wanted to talk about Carla monitoring her cervical mucus it was to be referred to as "icky sticky."


*****Warning*************************************************
What you are about to read may be TMI for you. Read at your own risk.
**************************************************************

Last night, I had to laugh. I was preparing for bed and noticed something. Upon further inspection, I found myself examining the "icky sticky" of it all. At this point, I must say what I saw was a positive in my book. I contemplated a photo (yes, I really did contemplate a photo), but decided that would be pushing the envelope too much. I then wanted to tell Clay so I went to the bedroom. He was reading in bed. I asked, "How educated and informed do you want to be about this process?" To which he barely looked up. I continued, "I have something I want to tell you but I think you will be disgusted." He looked up and replied, "Then I don't want to know. Some things are better not knowing." I walked back to the bathroom disappointed with no one to tell about my "icky sticky." I wrapped up my examination and finished my bedtime routine.

Oh and if you really are wondering, there was a difference to it all. It's supposed to be like egg whites before ovulation and without sharing too much, I'll just say there was something to it.

Now for those of you that are grossed out and wondering how in the world I contemplated taking a picture of my very own "icky sticky," don't say I didn't warn you to stop reading. It's your own fault you continued.

And just for the fun reference:
Turk: Elliot, I can't talk to you about sex - I don't understand any of that crazy gibberish you use. Penis is "schwing"-something...
Elliot: "Schwing-schwong," "peepers," or "peep."
Turk: And vagina?
Elliot: Disgusting! But also "bagingo" and "ho-ho"
Turk: I'm trying to get in the mood, right? And Carla's going on and on about her Cervical Mucus.
Elliot: Ap-ap! From now on Cervical Mucus, will be referred to as Icky Sticky

On the road again.. well, can I hum? Hm Hmm Hmmm Hmmmm

Today we had a 7:30am appointment in Urbana for an ultrasound to see if the Letrozole promoted any follicles to grow to maturity. It is day 12 in my cycle. Fearing the "bad" weather we were supposed to get, we got up at approximately 5:30 and were on the road again by 6. This time I was more conscious of the time it took to get there and the mileage. With Clay driving (I tend to drive a bit faster), it takes 1 hour and 10 minutes and is approximately 62 miles give or take a mile. I wonder if I should log the mileage of the time we spend driving... I was impressed though by my husband's uncanny ability to remember exactly how to get somewhere even if he has only been there once. No need for directions. Clay navigated with ease to the Windsor Rd location. So after stopping to get some gas for the car, we arrived here.....
It's my home away from home in a sense.. or at least I think it will be. It looked really deserted and I feared the doors would be locked. They weren't. So we traveled upstairs to Reproductive Medicine and Gynecology. This is where we had gone for Clay's semen analysis so we were familiar with where to go which was good because there wasn't another soul around to ask for directions. I had joked when we were there in January that you can't miss the dept name on the wall. It's really big, so to prove it, I took another picture.There was one guy in the waiting room so Clay and I took a seat. We were called back shortly after arriving, so we didn't wait long. The nurse's name was Linda (no I didn't take her picture although I thought about it. We went back to room and began. I had emptied my bladder twice but I swear I could have peed again when the "tool" was investigating. Linda started with the uterus. We again talked about my tilted uterus. I asked what that meant and which way it was tilted but I have NO MEMORY. I really need to get that tape recorder. She did put "thick" for the uterine lining, so that's good I guess. We then went to the right ovary. She counted and counted and gave up at 17. She said it definitely looked like a PCOS ovary. Yep, I knew that already. She did measure 3 separate follicles but only 2 of any size. Then on the left ovary we found a bigger follicle. My ovaries look like this...

The picture on the top is my left ovary (the better one) and has the better of the measurable follicles. The follicle you see is 16x9mm in size. A 16x16 mm follicle is the smallest follicle considered "good" or "mature." Ideally they want 18-22 mm for a "perfectly" matured follicle but consider anything 16-24mm to be mature. Of the multiple follicles shown on the right ovary (shown on the bottom) only two were measurable and both are smaller than the follicle from the left ovary. They measure 11x6mm and 14x8mm. Linda explained that she would contact Dr. J and then follow up with us as to what he would like to do. She thought he may want to see additional ultrasound pictures in a few more days to see if the measurable follicles have developed any further and if it would be time for ovulation. Then because we were going to go for the next ultrasound in Bloomington, she gave us a parting gift. I will interject (nice play on words of things to come) and say that these nurses and Dr. J definitely think AHEAD. Given the sonogram in Bloomington will be done by a tech and NOT a nurse, I was given a shot, for if they find the follicles have grown to "maturity", the doctor may want to induce ovulation manually with a shot of Ovidrel. So we now have this sitting in our fridge... It may be a sign of things to come. I guess I didn't think about fertility drugs needing to be refridgerated. I was given a 30 sec tutorial on how to give myself the shot (or how Clay could give the shot) and a 1 page handout illustrating the 3 acceptable injection locations. The locations are the lower abdomen, the outside of my thighs, or the backside of my hips above my butt. I have a glorious illustration, but I think I will leave you all in suspense for another post. Maybe the one where I get to actually take the shot. So Clay and I left to await the nurse's call after she was able to speak with Dr. Jarrett. We stopped for breakfast on the way home and as we got home, the nurse called. Dr. Jarrett does want to see updated sonogram pictures on Monday. I will be going back in for an ultrasound on Monday at 8:15. If they (meaning the follicles) have grown then I may be taking the shot. If not, I will find out the next steps. I am assuming it just takes me longer to mature an egg. After all last month I didn't ovulate until day 33 although the Letrozole was supposed to speed the process up a bit. I am just glad to finally be on the road and actually PROACTIVELY doing things. Linda said the Dr. was encouraged today by our results and said we are definitely "making positive progress." So we move on ;o)

Do you feel any different?

Clay and I were laying in bed last night talking and he asked "Do you feel any different?" I was confused so I asked, "about what?" To which he answered "On the inside from that medicine." I had to chuckle a bit. I explained that I don't (and wouldn't feel any different) on the inside just from that medicine making my ovaries work or developing some mature follicles (hopefully). I chuckled even more this morning wondering if I was supposed to be like E.T. and have a glowing abdomen from working ovaries. Just a thought....maybe I would look like this....

A visible outward sign for a inward (often hidden) condition

I originally started this post in January when I stumbled across this blog, well specifically that post. I don't know how I got back to her post from 2006, but I'm glad I did. It talks of an outward symbol or sign for an inward condition... the condition of infertility. It started with a decision that there should be a secret handshake for those who have experienced or are currently experiencing infertility. It was to help bind those struggling together. Those that may be jealous of pregnant bellies realize that maybe they struggled too and maybe it really is their happily ever after.

The post continues to explain that after lengthy discussions about a signal we could give one another as well as a tangible object that would invite questions and subsequently discussion about infertility, the decision was made to settle on a simple thread. More specifically a pomegranate colored thread.

The following is almost if not directly quoted from that blog: (parts reworded in my voice)
I learned pomegranates are a longstanding symbol of fertility and serve as a strong analogy to those suffering from infertility. Though each pomegranate skin is unique in color and texture, the seeds inside are remarkably similar from fruit to fruit. The diagnosis is unique from woman to woman and can be endometriosis, PCOS, low sperm count, luteul phase defects, or unexplained infertility- the emotions, those seeds on the inside are the same from woman to woman. Infertility creates frustration, anger, fear, depression, guilt, loneliness, etc. In addition, the seeds were to represent the multitude of ways one could build a family: natural conception, treatments, adoption, etc.

The tread was to hold a purpose to identify and create a community between those experiencing infertility and create a starting point for a conversation. It is in a hope to remove the social stigma around infertility. Women facing (I almost wrote suffering and then that word seemed wrong) infertility could tie on the thread because they are NOT ALONE.

Then tonight, I was on this blog that I have been reading occasionally and discovered from that post that 1 in 6 couples are considered infertile. This means two things to me:
1. As the author points out in her post, there are more fertile couples than infertile ones which is why people say things like “Oh, just relax. Give it time. It will happen!” or “They just need to stop trying and it will happen.” which in some cases is just not true. Some people (us infertile ones) need some help.
and
2. there should be a lot of people wearing these pomegranate bracelets or threads. After all 1 in 6 is almost 17%. That seems significant to me.

Okay I got a bit off track, let's get back on the road. I liked the idea of the One Common Thread enough to save the link in my posts and hadn't gotten around to updating it until tonight. Blog hopping around in no particular order took me to yet another blog about infertility where I came across an infertility awareness necklace. It features the following 4 parts with this meaning....

The Pomegranate Ribbon is to promote awareness.
The Pomegranate Teardrop Pearl represents the tears that have been shed.
The Miracles charm represents the miracles we will one day have.
The Pomegranate Crystal represents the glimmer of Hope we all need on a cloudy day.

So, there you have it. This is a long post just for me to wrap up with...I want one. I want to show a visible outward sign to the world. Yes, I am infertile and facing an assisted journey ahead, but I have hope. I don't think I can ask Clay for one though. He may think I'm being silly and.... well, I just asked and he didn't care and said I could get one. So do I order it?

I forgot....darn it!

Well I have my phone set for 815am and 830pm everyday as a reminder to take my medicine. Generally I don't need the reminder but occasionally it's nice so I left them scheduled. Last night was one of those times it was nice to be reminded but somehow I still failed and forgot to take it. The alarm went off while I was talking to Mel on the phone and I silenced it. Usually that would have prompted me to get up and go get the medicine out of my purse and set it in plain sight. However, I was in my PJs and tucked into bed enjoying the conversation so I stayed put. Well, this morning it hit me. I forgot to take my Metformin last night. Darn IT!!!! I know one missed dose isn't the end of the world but still wish I would have remembered.

Someone make this headache go away...Please!

I don't know if its the weather or the stress or maybe even the hormones...which is why I am posting it here. I'd like to blame the hormones, but not sure I can. My head has hurt all day and about 1pm the dull pain grew to a horrible headache that seems to be getting worse. I finally broke down and took some ibuprofen. I tried the natural "brownie" remedy but that didn't seem to work either. If it is the stress, I hope that I don't pass my uptight nature on to my children. I hope they can be laid back like Clay and although it will drive me crazy it will be better for them in the long run.

Random question #2

Clay and I watched Facing the Giants on DVD last night. The main character, Coach Taylor and his wife are faced with infertility (although there case is reversed and the woman is medically "normal"). The wife asks a question that hit me last night (and of course I cried). It shows how much the desire to have a baby consumes your being, your mind, and especially your heart...the question is "How can you miss someone so much, that you haven't ever met?"

The movie of course has a happy ending and they have a baby with another on the way. It all works out in the end and I know it will for us too, but it was a good question.

While I'm Waiting....

Kimberly made me a copy of the soundtrack from the movie Fireproof. I have been really drawn to track #3 entitled "While I'm waiting." I know that I have been waiting for awhile now and my wait is not over. Although optimistic from my Dr. appt yesterday I know that the road ahead may be long, so I want to try to remember to be hopeful and peaceful even though the wait can be painful. I think this says it well... (the lyrics are below and I chose the video NOT from the movie.)



I'm waiting
I'm waiting on You, Lord
And I am hopeful
I'm waiting on You, Lord
Though it is painful
But patiently, I will wait

I will move ahead, bold and confident
Taking every step in obedience
While I'm waiting
I will serve You
While I'm waiting
I will worship
While I'm waiting
I will not faint
I'll be running the race
Even while I wait

I'm waiting
I'm waiting on You, Lord
And I am peaceful
I'm waiting on You, Lord
Though it's not easy
But faithfully, I will wait
Yes, I will wait

I will serve You while I'm waiting
I will worship while I'm waiting
I will serve You while I'm waiting
I will worship while I'm waiting
I will serve you while I'm waiting
I will worship while I'm waiting on You, Lord

Buckle up. It's going to be a long one......

I have told this story in its entirety only a handful of times but each time has taken a good 20-25 minutes, so buckle up cause it's going to be a long one.

Thursday was my Dr. appointment. Clay and I arrived around 1245pm or so. The nurse checking us in said the doctor may be a few minutes late since he was out "visiting his babies." I thought that was nice. We made our first of many $40 co-pays and took a seat in the waiting room. I quickly grabbed a copy of Conceive magazine. I had read a bit from them when we were in Champaign for Clay's semen analysis and enjoyed it. I settled into a few of the articles and before I knew it, about 20 minutes had passed. I considered stealing the magazine so I could read the rest of the articles. (Skipping ahead, it did end up in my purse so I did accidentally bring it home. I may be posting about some of the articles in the future.) About that time I saw a man walk through in scrubs and a coat and go into the back. Something about him I didn't like. I was hoping he wasn't my doctor. Just then, we got called back and I was sure he was going to be the guy. The nurse took our picture for the file and then left. We waited in that room for a few minutes and then the doctor walked in. It wasn't that other guy. Instead it was this guy....
Dr. John Jarrett (I wonder if I can call him JJ? Maybe not yet...and I'm not sure what to think of the semi-glamour shot.) He shook our hands and sat down. He began to look at the papers in front of him and ask us a few question. My memory is increasing fading with regards to the order of questions and the details. I think we will be investing in a tape recorder to take with us. He asked if we wanted a baby and a few other random questions then got started. Looking down at my information for a moment, then up at me. Then he said, "Jesus." He apologized for saying it and rephrased it with a "girl, you have some hormones, don't you?" Why yes, I do. He then proceeded to explain. In a normal woman the Follicle Stimulating hormone (FSH) and the Lutenizing hormone (LH) are much different than mine. He explained that even in a "typical" woman with PCOS they look for the LH level to be 2x that of the FSH levels. My FSH level when tested last July was 7.7miU/mL, so you would expect the LH to be approximately 14 or 15. Brace yourselves, my tested LH level was 41.9miU/ML. Yep, that's right, almost 4 times greater. It's actually the level close to that of a menopausal woman (maybe that's why I'm usually always really hot.) And my testosterone is also SUPER high. He then said I was quite the overachiever. Why Yes, yes I am. Just not in a good way I guess.
So then he asked, "What is the least you have weighed since age 18?" Interesting question. I explained my current weight was generally my "normal" weight. I've been 150-155 since high school pretty much except for my beer weight in college and my recent push towards 170 last year. "Currently I'm at 157 and have lost 10 lbs since Dec" I explained. "My lowest weight was 147 around the summer/fall of 2007." He nodded.
"Are you good at sports?" He continued. "No." I replied given I really am not good at any sports. "Well you should be," he laughed.
The questions continued and I'm fuzzy about the order. I should have written this blog immediately on Thursday but it was much more exciting to call a few friends and share it with them. We continued on and I know we talked about my Metformin and when I started it, which kind I take, etc. I read directly off of my timeline. I don't know whether this happened then or later but he made a comment about my detailed behavior and how we would get along perfectly. It would make his job easier. Well, glad I could help and put my anal need to document to use. Later I would also just hand over a copy of said timeline and a copy of my basal body temp charts for him to keep because of course I have my own copies saved on the laptop. Although now I worry about the timeline since it had the acupuncture information on it but oh well.
Now because the details are getting fuzzy, the following happened but may have occurred in a completely different order. We discussed Clay's semen analysis. He asked it as a question like "You had a semen analysis and everything was normal?" Clay and I said yes but then hesitated and asked about it more. He spouted off the numbers.....284 million with 8% normal and good motility..."That's normal in my book." Clay and I had been a bit concerned because the numbers didn't match the normal "reference range" from the sheet. But, he has been in this business for a long time so it was nice to hear him say that it was "normal."
At one point we talked about my cycles and the fact that I had just started another cycle all by myself on Tuesday that week after Christmas's cycle. He looked at the calendar briefly to which I said "48 days" He smiled. I asked if he wanted me to double check and he said "NO, I'm sure you are correct." (I double checked anyway and I was right." We mentioned the past cycles of Provera and moved one.
He then asked if I had ever had an ultrasound. I hadn't. "Hmm he said.... I'm only approved to do a consult....(he paused).... well, what they don't know won't hurt them.. let's go." He then got up and said we were going to do an ultrasound. I was in shock. This is already more than I was expecting and he was trying to help me immediately even if he didn't have the insurance company's approval. As we walked through the nurse's station he announced "We are NOT going to do an ultrasound. We don't have approval for that so we would NEVER do that. We are just going on a tour... Here is the restroom." I was almost laughing so I played along and said, "Oh how nice."
We got into the ultrasound room and I was handed a sheet. I was given brief directions to wrap the sheet from the waist down and empty my bladder. I sat in the bathroom assuming it was going to be a jelly on the belly kind of ultrasound so I left on the underwear and the tampon, but when I exited the bathroom to take my seat I noticed (from the tool the dr was holding) that I was in for something else. I quickly joked that there was a "roadblock" I needed to remove and entered the bathroom again. Now ready to go I took my place on the table with the stirrups. (Gotta love those stirrups) And off we went.....
"This is your uterus..." This was pretty neat even though it just looked like a black cavity. "Do you have any pain during intercourse?" he asked. "NO not typically, why?" "Well, you have a tilted uterus." OH! I thought. Great! Add that to the list of things working AGAINST ME...hormone imbalance, tilted uterus, I'm doing great. Then he prodded to the right. "This is your right ovary." This is what I saw...
Well this isn't technically my ovary but it is similar. "I assume the black spots are bad, right?" I asked. "Well, in a typical PCOS woman we look for a minimum of 11 antral follicles" he said. "Oh, well I think I can count 11." "Honey, hate to tell you this but you could probably count 111." Of course I could. "Still the overachiever I guess." Oh and in case you are confused an antral follicle is also a cyst. It was an egg that started developing but was unable to reach full maturity for ovulation so it "dies" and forms a cyst on the ovary. FUN, right?
We continued and he prodded to the left for the left ovary. "Well this one isn't as bad." Okay then, maybe one positive.
We went back to the room and took another seat. As our discussion continued I did mention that my periods are usually really lite. On Provera they are very light and the two I have had on my own recently were heavier than the past but still light. "Well you do have a rather thin lining from the ultrasound. "What does that mean?" I asked. He replied, "Well we will cross that bridge later." I have jokingly equated this to "Taking care of the eggs first and then later we can work on the basket." So, another thing on the something to overcome column. It worries me since women with PCOS are more likely to miscarry (I would think from the hormone levels and weak uterine lining.) This scares me to death. Should I feel the joy of being pregnant FINALLY only to feel the PAIN of losing the child? I am not sure I would be able to emotional deal with that. It is a constant struggle to face the infertility so I will move forward and push the dread back.
Moving on.... I think I asked what was next. Where would we start? Was there anything to do today? Again, we were stopped briefly since I was only approved for a consult. However, he said he would love to try medicine for the hormones that I would take on day 3-day 7 of my cycle. "Well, I'm on day 3 right now." I wanted to do something..."Can we get approval today." Eventually it was determined we probably couldn't get health alliance to move that fast but would we be willing to do it "out of pocket." I knew we would. He said it would be about $120. No biggie, I can handle that. SO we talked about a drug called Letrozole (Femara). He explained the drug is only "technically" FDA approved for the treatment of breast cancer, but it has been very popular for fertility. Alright, worth a try. Dr. Jarrett is on it I will tell you. He is so very sincere. He tried to get Clay and I a voucher for the drug so we wouldn't have to do it out of pocket, but the copy wouldn't work so we moved forward with the plan to do it out of pocket... more on that in a bit.
We also talked about options or the "game plan." He said he was still working on it in his head. He said he didn't want to tell me it was going to be impossible but he said I would definitely be a challenge and there may be a lot of work ahead to get everything working in our favor. Another play on the title. Not only is this post really really long but I think our journey ahead too will be long. So buckle up!
He did add that there would be much at the beginning that we would skip. He specifically said "I don't want to waste your time and I don't want to waste your money." I was happy to hear that we are going to hit the ground running and be aggressive from day 1. Of the options ahead, we discussed two possible surgeries as well. I do not remember both of them (hence the need for the tape player for sure.) One of them is in the booklet of information he gave us at the beginning of the appointment. It is a booklet of a very detailed power point presentation regarding PCOS and fertility options. The surgery I remember we marked in the book is an Ovarian Diathermy. Here they cauterize the inner part of the ovaries responsible for testosterone production without damaging the eggs/follicles from the surface of the ovary. He mentioned that in most this is low on the list but for me it may be higher on the options and of greater importance or priority. What did I ask about this... "Well do I get to watch?" I don't as I would be under but he did say he records it and I can take a copy home to watch so I guess that will be okay too. I don't remember the other surgery but he mentioned trying them both at the same time so I would only be under once. Deal!
I asked about next steps for release to his "care and custody" but he said that was up to his nurse and she would get right on it. We did talk a bit more and eventually I brought up the basal body temps again and let him know I had my charts.
I gave him a copy of those. As I was explaining that the first chart from Nov 2nd to Dec 24th was very erratic but the second one....he said, "Well this is great. You ovulated last month. This is promising. I feel more optimistic and positive now. You ovulated. I want to see your next chart. I want you to fax it to me. I want to see it." Alrighty then.... good stuff. I will continue to take my temps every single morning at 6 am.
As we wrapped up, Dr. Jarrett left and the nurse came back in. We discussed calling in the prescription, and what was expected. Taking the medicine days 3-7, ultrasound on day 12, and if all looks good planned and scheduled intercourse on days 12,14,16,18. What if I don't ovulate by day 18 since my last cycle was 48 days and I didn't ovulate until day 33. Do we continue the every other day schedule? Other questions raced through. We got our ultrasound scheduled for Saturday Feb 21st at 730am in Champaign and our next appointment with the dr on Tuesday March 24th. Now it's just one day at a time and baby steps forward.
Continuing on the story about the medicines, some one of a higher power was on our side. We took it down to the pharmacy and said we understood it wouldn't be covered and we wanted to pay out of pocket. They said it was going to be closer to $200, but we wanted to proceed. Then she said maybe she could get a one time no prior approval price... then she wanted a copy of our insurance card...and then... "How does $20 sound?" Perfect! Dr. Jarrett is in network and somehow my file indicated "consult and prescriptions." We left with my $20 meds and a smile from a great and PROMISING appointment with dr. that I think will be wonderful!!!
My spirits were and still are up about this. I can tell he and his nurses generally care. Our goals are the same. I like the way he put it on the cover of his booklet and all over his website, he's in this for "Building families." Just what we want. Time to build this Brockman family ;o) One day of hope at a time....

The final countdown..... 5 hours....

SO I am physically at work today but I'm not so sure I am mentally here. Actually I am not sure that I've mentally been at work for awhile. Anyways, it seems I have a ton of mixed emotions today. I should be excited, but I don't feel that. I feel nervous, anxious, paranoid?, dread?, and others I can't put my feelings on. I think it's my mental preparation to not expect too much from today. I have myself completely convinced that nothing will be gained today. Generally I am not this pessimistic of a person. After all, I am usually Suzie Sunshine! Maybe I will feel better after the appointment. I am torn with wether or not to return to work today. I don't want to use the PTO but I don't think I want to come back to work either (or work tomorrow afternoon.) Maybe if I'm in a good mood after the appointment I can come back in, maybe, just maybe. So it's actually less than 5 hours and the more I start to think of the day ahead, my head starts to hurt. I do pray for patience today. As I gathered my paperwork and notebook last night, I was struck that there really wasn't much in there. Just my timeline, my temp charts, my test result, Clay's test results, and the packet of paperwork that I sent in last month. However, it's all in a nice pink folder ready to go. It's laying with a notebook so I can take notes and write down questions. I guess I just don't know what to expect and the butterflies in my stomach are fluttering around. Keep your fingers crossed and I will post an update later.

My Meltdown.... I blame the monkey.

On Monday, I read this post on a random blog I came across entitled "God's Faithfulness Through Infertility." It caught my eye because it had to do with the bible study by Beth Moore that Kimberly and I are doing at church. We hadn't done the session to which she referred but I was excited to see which week we would be doing it at my own study.
Then on Tuesday, I was excited to discover that we would be doing the Fear lesson that night. I watched the video glued to every word that was said. I couldn't believe how touching it was. Every word applied. Read the post above for more of the lesson. That author words it so well, I didn't want to repeat.
What I want to post about deals with the end of the evening. We generally go around the room and share either prayer requests or praise. Share if you want, sit quietly if you don't. I had a plan. It was simple. I just wanted to ask for prayers of patience for the dr. appt given I don't expect too much to come from the "consultation." Simple, right? "I want prayers for patience for my dr. appt." Nine words and vague enough to share.
However, that is not what I said. It is NOT what happened. I said,"I have a prayer request" ...pause...longer pause...really long pause...OMG! I'm going to cry...open the flood gates.
That's right, I cried. Actually, I bawled. Before I could even get 1 word out I was crying so hard. I choked out the words I could..."I was excited about the video, I was scared about the dr. appt. I was having problems with fertility." There was no stopping me. At one point I was just crying "When you want a baby, you want your baby. It's not fair to make me wait a year when I know I have problems." I have NO IDEA what else I said through the tears and babbling. I am sure I had snot running down my face. Worst part, I went first so I had to sit there recovering while everyone else shared their requests. I started to feel so so dumb. I just couldn't keep it all in. Here is why......
Yesterday my period came again. You would think that is a good thing and it IS, but I just felt down. So when I felt bad and wanted to ask for one simple prayer, I lost it. I blame that MONKEY!

What does your gut tell you?

Mel and I went to a movie this afternoon. On the way there I told her a bit about Clay's requests and some other things. After the movie, I happened to mention that my temp was still elevated and that "ladies days" hadn't come yet. With each passing day that the temp stays elevated and the "monkey" doesn't come is one day closer to my high hopes realized. I am trying so hard to just take it one day at a time but it has become an obsession of sorts. Mel asked me "Well, what does your gut tell you?" To tell you the truth, "I don't know" I want with all of my heart to be pregnant but my head logically tells me not to get my hopes up and that even if I have a cycle this week, I will be on the right track. When I refused to give her a "yes" or a "no" answer, she persisted and said to put "all the scientific stuff" aside. I just can't seem to put it aside and in the back of my head. Mel said she knew with both that she was pregnant. She could feel it. I have to admit that I have laid in bed or on the couch the past few evenings with my hand on my lower abdomen and wondered. Could I be? I feel more hopeful than I have ever felt in this past year. Maybe because things are actually starting to happen. I have even let the hope wash over me while I was outside running this weekend and enjoying the lovely weather. I think I even spoke some of my thoughts aloud. So now, after being asked, "What does your gut tell you?" I want to hope against all hope and scream YES, but logically I want to play it "safe" with my heart and say "I just don't know"..only time will tell and day by day I pray.

I want to add to the bottom of this one of the fortunes Clay and I had from our fortune cookies last night. (We were supposed to have Chinese food for Valentine's Day but ended up with it last night instead). Our fortune "Good things are coming to you in due time."

Clay's two requests

Yesterday Clay and I had a few short discussions regarding pregnancy. Each threw me a little bit off but each showed me that he thinks about our situation and is willing to tell me how he feels about it all.

Here were the requests:
1.He be present if I test so that he can be with me when we do have that glorious day and see a positive result. (I didn't have the heart to tell him I took one earlier in the morning) I did tell him that you are supposed to use your first pee of the day and often at times for me that is around 330 or 4am. I told him he would have to decide if he wanted me to wake him up before or after I peed in the cup. I'll have to follow up with him to see if he is still game to be around.

2. We not tell anyone we are pregnant for the first trimester (just in case something happens)...hmm this will be tricky considering a lot of folks know I am going to the doctor. I just have such a hard time keeping secrets. I tell my good friends pretty much everything and 12 weeks would be a very long time. I'll have to think about this one and how in the world I would be able to pull it off.

Yes, I know I am impatient

So I woke up at 330am today and had to pee. I tried to tell myself to go back to sleep. I tried to talk myself into just getting up to pee and coming back to bed. But I didn't. I decided to take a test. I am 12 DPO (days past ovulation) according to the estimated ovulation date on day 33 of this cycle. (I am now on day 45.) It would be day 12 of the luteal phase and that seemed longer than last month's so I went for it.

I did wipe first before opening the test, just to see if I even needed to take it. Each time I go to the bathroom I examine the toliet paper closely for any kind of sign that my period may be starting. I know, I'm weird but it's an obsession now. No signs on the toilet paper this morning so I took the test. After waiting the necessary 2 mins I looked and...... negative. I really expected that but somehow your hopes are still let down each time. I did read the instructional paperwork as I waited and it indicated that only about 50% will get a positive 5 days before their expected period. The percentage increases to about 80% the day before and even higher obviously after you actually miss your period. The paperwork suggested to wait 3 days and test again.

Then I took my temp this morning and it seems to still be up. It was 97.95F. I now need to be patient and see what happens. If the temps hold and the cycle stays away, maybe I'll test again on Wed/Thursday. The fertility.com site says I should wait to test until 2/14 (18DPO) given I don't have enough charted data to accurately predict my period and length of my luteal phase. I guess we will just see what happens and head to the Dr. in 5 days ;o) I can't believe I'm actually getting things moving.

I wanted to post an updated version of my temp chart to document. So, here it is....


Even if I do have another cycle. It will be a positive thing because I think the medicine is helping to regulate my cycle and make it more biphasic like it should be. After all the chart above looks much better than this one which was from the Nov-Dec cycle when I had my first period. Do you see the difference?



I may actually have to look into joining fertility.com for the charting if the Dr. wants me to continue. They look so much better than my little Excel charts and they calculate all the information for you. Hopefully the Dr. will be able to make some sense of them and teach me a bit about them.

To test or not to test?

That is the question I face right now. My temps are still elevated and holding, so I know (or can assume with relative certainty) one of two things: Either I am going to have another period or I am pregnant. I just don't know what to do.

So how long have my temps been elevated? Well, even that's hard to answer. They have been above 98 for 10 days now, but if you go by that fertility.com chart (see previous post) I ovulated 12 days ago. According to the interweb you can expect your period 12-14 days after ovulation. Again the interweb says the average luteal phase for a woman is 12-16 days and needs to be at least 10 days for implantation to occur. So I'm either sitting at day 10 or I'm sitting at day 12. Hmm....

Everything I read says that although the length of the leutal phase varies between women it will be the same for each specific woman's cycle month-to-month. Therefore you are supposed to use past cycles as an indication of how long your individual luteal phase is. Well, CRAP! I only have one past cycle to judge it on. According to that cycle, my temps were only up for 10 days before I got my period, but that cycle was also 54 days long. This one only has me at day 44 today. So, the overall cycle is getting shorter but since I don't have my period today, the luteal phase may be getting longer? Makes sense to me, maybe.

Well, I digressed. Back to the original question (When or if I should take a test). I have two left and one was given to me so it was free. If I go with the lowest possible number and use only days where my temp has been above 98 then I will be at day 12 on Sunday. Or do I wait till day 16 and use the highest number? Funny thing about doing that would be that if I test on day 16 (and don't have my cycle yet and my temps are still elevated) then that puts me on Thursday Feb 12th. Doesn't that date sound familiar? It should. It's my consultation appointment with Dr. Jarrett, the fertility specialist. Wouldn't that just be crazy finding out your pregnant on the day you were scheduled to go see a specialist? HA!

So, anyways, whatever happens happens. I will be in a good place either way. If the test is negative (or I get my period) then I will still be excited since it appears my body is normalizing. Plus I will have my dr. appt later in the week to look forward to. And if I don't get my period and the test swings the other way, well, then that would be great, but I'm not getting my hopes up just yet. (It would also scare the crap out of me since miscarriages are common with PCOS due to fluctuations in hormone levels.)

So, today my mind swims with questions....
To test or not to test?
To be or not to be (a mother)?

Synced up cycles

So my very good friend and I used to be synced up on our cycles. Just like they say happens. Granted we were both on the pill but somehow we were synced. Then I went off the pill and so did she. She got pregnant and I didn't have a period. We used to joke that it was because she was pregnant and my cycle was waiting for her to come back. After she had her wonderful daughter, she got her cycle back (again with the pill) and I still had nothing. However, now with my meds and my cycle coming back, it has somehow decided to sync back up with her again. She has hers and I'm expecting mine by Friday. (That's really only two days away.) I have a feeling that if I go another month or two and continue to have my cycles that they will completely sync back with hers. Strange how that works.

Random question

If you try for one year to get pregnant and don't conceive then you are considered infertile (or can go for fertility assistance). So, if you have tried for one year and get pregnant (with the assistance.) Then the next time you want to get pregnant again, do you have to wait another year? If so, I'm putting my one year notice in the second I get pregnant! It would however make more sense to just be immediately referred to the specialist the second time and not have to wait that year again...hmm... maybe I'll have to ask about this at my appointment next week. (YEP folks I said NEXT WEEK!)

Okay and following up on today's earlier blog, did that lady have a waiting period for her IVF? I should have lied about being married to a wonderful and loving man and wanting to start a family. I should have simply requested some IVF and made Clay my "sperm donor." Would that have been any faster? (HA! Again you can see that this just irks me. How in the world do you spell irk?)

When is enough enough?

So there is a current news story that seems to be all the buzz right now. However, it is driving me crazy!!! It brings mixed emotions that I am unable to pinpoint. It baffles me and I am unable to focus my thoughts in any one direction. I have so many questions.

So here is the deal.......
A woman in California just gave birth to octuplets. Seems simple enough. Good for her.

She had them through the use of IVF.
Okay, usually don't end up with that many on IVF because you can selectively implant, but whatever. Maybe this was her only chance to have any kids, and she wanted as many as possible.

She already has 6 other children ranging in age from 2 to 7.
WHAT! This is where I start to lose it. Are you kidding me? Why does someone with 6 children need any more. How in the world will she support them all financially? Now don't get me wrong if you have the means to do it, more power to you but I expect all of them to be well cared for and educated.

She had all of her other children through IVF as well.
Okay, really? What kind of medical insurance does she have? We have a good package at work and it only does up to 4 rounds of IVF. Who in the world is her provider? Where does she work? Does she even work? One article quoted the grandmother saying the woman "paid for the in vitro fertilization with money from a legal settlement after a work accident." Now there's putting your money to good use. Why don't you take care of your other six kids.

She is a single mother.
OMG! You are flipping kidding me! How in the world does she think she can do this as a single mom? Is she crazy? Has anyone tested her mental capacity as a mother? I think they should have tests for that. It could be in the fertility paperwork before IVF. You have to be approved to adopt so why don’t you have to be approved for IVF when you already have 6 kids?

She used the same sperm donor for all 14 kids.
Oh well, why didn’t you say that? It makes it all better. 14 kids without the influence of a father figure. At least they don’t have to ask each other, “Who’s your daddy?” They already know it’s the same mysterious sperm donor. (okay I’m a bit mean now.)

The mother checked into the hospital in her 23rd week of pregnancy and gave birth seven weeks later. All eight babies will probably remain in the hospital for at least two months and the mother should be released in a week.
Really, who pays for this? If you say taxpayers, then I may lose it.

It's unclear how she plans to support her huge family. Her parents (whom she lives with) have had financial problems. The octuplets are all preemies and will likely require extra care. The mother once had a license as a psychiatric technician but that expired. In recent years, she's been an unemployed student. The mother has hired an agent, and there are reports she hopes to make money through TV interviews and even by working as an on-camera childcare expert.
I feel like this is exploitation. I mean if you are an unmarried, unemployed student with 6 children living at home with your parents, is this your golden ticket to fame? I wish the world would stop talking about it and stop giving her props for a job well done. Let's not give her anything for free and watch the harsh reality of the world set it for the choices she made consciously. (Okay now I'm really mean.)

My thoughts have turned to anger so I guess it's time to stop blogging for now. I just feel bad. It's not fair. All the women in the world that want kids, even just 1 kid and can't have them and now this lady has 14 that she can't support. What about mother's that have recently lost their babies? Women in healthy and happy stable relationships in a loving home with a steady income to support new life that don't have any small bundles of joy. What about them? And why didn't this lady just adopt if she only wanted one more child? What doctor agreed to do all of this and didn't say "Hey look lady! I don't recommend this." Why do her parents continue to support her? I understand supporting the children cause they are innocent in all of this but come on, some one, anyone, where is the logic? Where is the common sense? Where is the accountability for it all? I am confused and bewildered and have lost my train of thought. This just eats me from the inside and I struggle to pinpoint why I let it irk me so bad.....

Temps on the rise and holding...

So I am still charting. I found a new tool online that will interpret the temps and estimate the day of ovulation. Here is my current chart. Day 1 was on Dec 25th when my Christmas gift came. Now I am on day 40 and expecting a cycle by week's end. According to the chart, I ovulated on day 33. My cycle should be about 45 or 46ish days long. Hopefully getting shorter and shorter. Just wanted to share since I think my VIP membership for fertilityfriend.com expires by March.