I thought I would post a quick prayer that I liked. Kimberly sent it to me last week and I've read it a few times since then. The prayer reads.....
May today there be peace within. May you trust God that you are exactly where you are meant to be. May you not forget the infinite possibilities that are born of faith. May you use those gifts that you have received, and pass on the love that has been given to you. May you be content knowing you are a child of God. Let this presence settle into your bones, and allow your soul the freedom to sing, dance, praise and love. It is there for each and every one of us.
Sunday, November 16, 2008
Saturday, November 15, 2008
The "Poof fairy"
Today I spent the day shopping. My mother-in-law, her friend Jane, Kimberly, and I went Christmas shopping in Champaign today. We left Normal around 915am and got back to Normal about 915pm. We had an excellent time!! I got most of my shopping for Clay done. Only have a few things left for him and will be done. Got a few things for others too. A gift for my dad, a gift for my father-in-law and even snuck in a small part of Kimberly's gift right under her nose. We did get each other Christmas tree ornaments at the Christmas store. I got Kimberly a super cute pink one with Sex and the City on one side and then the motto "Shopping is my cardio." She liked it a lot.
We also saw a lot of wonderful signs and other things we wanted. Well, there was a cute table of these things called "Poof fairies"
There were different ones. They have the motto "You want it, you got it!....POOF!" Then each different fairy is holding a sign with the "wish" she is granting. There was "Poof! The dishes are done!" and "Poof! The kids are asleep!" and "Poof! The dog is walked!" Well if you haven't guessed it by now, mine says "Poof! You're pregnant!" I was going to use that as the title of the blog but did not want to mislead readers. Kimberly said she was for luck. I probably won't hang her up on the tree but I will keep her close to give me hope.
"Poof! You're pregnant!" ....... If only it were that easy.
Friday, November 14, 2008
Confusing Coverage Questions (say that 10 times fast)
A few weeks ago when open enrollment started at work, I called the doctor. I wanted to ask her about a proposed "timeline" for the procedures and testing I faced next year so I could determine my "out of pocket" costs and load up the Salary Stretcher Plus account. Well, after 2 weeks and 3 calls to the doctor, I finally got some information. I don't really know how helpful it was. I was given a sheet entitled "Reproductive Medicine Testing Estimate Sheet." My favorite nurse circled the things that Dr. Dutta will want to do right away and then made some notes about what they expect Dr. Jeret (the specialist) to do if I am referred to him next spring.
Then today, armed with questions about what is actually covered by our plan at work, I contacted Health Alliance. I was on the phone from about 1:18pm until almost 2. I wasn't quite sure talking to the customer service representative. I felt a bit uneasy. She placed me on hold a few times and didn't seem to confident in her answers. She did assure me we have the "Enhanced Infertility" coverage and then rattled off a list of things covered. I asked her to fax me this list for reference. She did well and I grew more comfortable under the understanding that most everything we face next year will be covered with the exception of the expected office visit co-pay of $40. I'm pretty sure she even said invitro was listed. I'll have to do some research.
However, she also transferred me to one of the nicest ladies ever named Judy. She is the nurse that reviews and authorizes all the infertility testing. She was very helpful and even gave me her direct number. I also expressed my worry about switching the coverage from my name to Clay's through work but said we would still have the "Enhanced Infertility" coverage but just a different member number.
Now I am ready and waiting.....waiting for January, waiting for the insurance coverage to get switched, waiting for my wonderful nurse Stacie to send in the authorization request for infertility testing and treatment, waiting for the "good" drugs, waiting, waiting, waiting......
On a side note, that nice lady Judy thought Clay could go ahead and do his semen analysis immediately. She didn't think it would require pre-authorization. She said they usually just pay for those in full if request. So, when I call the doctor back in December to get the ball ready for January, I will have to ask about how to get that started.
I still don't know what to do about the Salary Stretcher Plus. I figure I will just put $500 in and use what I can. If I get pregnant right away great if not, we keep plugging away.
Then today, armed with questions about what is actually covered by our plan at work, I contacted Health Alliance. I was on the phone from about 1:18pm until almost 2. I wasn't quite sure talking to the customer service representative. I felt a bit uneasy. She placed me on hold a few times and didn't seem to confident in her answers. She did assure me we have the "Enhanced Infertility" coverage and then rattled off a list of things covered. I asked her to fax me this list for reference. She did well and I grew more comfortable under the understanding that most everything we face next year will be covered with the exception of the expected office visit co-pay of $40. I'm pretty sure she even said invitro was listed. I'll have to do some research.
However, she also transferred me to one of the nicest ladies ever named Judy. She is the nurse that reviews and authorizes all the infertility testing. She was very helpful and even gave me her direct number. I also expressed my worry about switching the coverage from my name to Clay's through work but said we would still have the "Enhanced Infertility" coverage but just a different member number.
Now I am ready and waiting.....waiting for January, waiting for the insurance coverage to get switched, waiting for my wonderful nurse Stacie to send in the authorization request for infertility testing and treatment, waiting for the "good" drugs, waiting, waiting, waiting......
On a side note, that nice lady Judy thought Clay could go ahead and do his semen analysis immediately. She didn't think it would require pre-authorization. She said they usually just pay for those in full if request. So, when I call the doctor back in December to get the ball ready for January, I will have to ask about how to get that started.
I still don't know what to do about the Salary Stretcher Plus. I figure I will just put $500 in and use what I can. If I get pregnant right away great if not, we keep plugging away.
Tuesday, November 11, 2008
Tears
Kimberly and I agreed to pick a name off of the tree at work to buy a gift for. I requested we pick the tag for a little kid. I wanted to pick all the tags for the little kids off the tree. I can say they are my children for the season, but my budget wouldn't allow for that.
We picked Bethany. She is a 4.5 year old and for Christmas she would like a fun desk, books, and crayons. Simple enough in my book. I am excited to buy a little kid a Christmas present. All little kids should have at least 1 present for Christmas. On the way back over to my building from Kimberly's, I started to cry. I wish I could see the joy and excitement of little Bethany when she opens her present this year.
It makes me think of last year when we were Christmas shopping in Nebraska the day after Thanksgiving. I was tired and annoyed. I really just wanted to go home. (I was also probably hungry which didn't help I am sure.) We were at the huge mall in Omaha and my mother-in-law and sister-in-law really wanted to go to Bath and Body Works. I decided to sit outside the store and wait. The boys were off looking at some other store. I was annoyed as I sat there with my bags. It was loud and crowded. People hit my bags as I sat uncomfortably on the small ledge. It was near a "play area" for children and they were all over the place screaming and chasing each other. I was just down. Then out of nowhere a little girl came running out of the playground yelling, "Santa" As I turned, the mall Santa Claus was walking to the playground to see the children. The kids all swarmed to give Santa hugs. I was overcome with tears and suddenly all my negative thoughts went away. Their pure excitement and joy was intoxicating.
I hope that my small gift to Bethany this Christmas will bring her extra joy. It will bring me joy and hope to think about her and anticipation to someday see that same joy and excitement of the season in the eyes of my child(ren).
We picked Bethany. She is a 4.5 year old and for Christmas she would like a fun desk, books, and crayons. Simple enough in my book. I am excited to buy a little kid a Christmas present. All little kids should have at least 1 present for Christmas. On the way back over to my building from Kimberly's, I started to cry. I wish I could see the joy and excitement of little Bethany when she opens her present this year.
It makes me think of last year when we were Christmas shopping in Nebraska the day after Thanksgiving. I was tired and annoyed. I really just wanted to go home. (I was also probably hungry which didn't help I am sure.) We were at the huge mall in Omaha and my mother-in-law and sister-in-law really wanted to go to Bath and Body Works. I decided to sit outside the store and wait. The boys were off looking at some other store. I was annoyed as I sat there with my bags. It was loud and crowded. People hit my bags as I sat uncomfortably on the small ledge. It was near a "play area" for children and they were all over the place screaming and chasing each other. I was just down. Then out of nowhere a little girl came running out of the playground yelling, "Santa" As I turned, the mall Santa Claus was walking to the playground to see the children. The kids all swarmed to give Santa hugs. I was overcome with tears and suddenly all my negative thoughts went away. Their pure excitement and joy was intoxicating.
I hope that my small gift to Bethany this Christmas will bring her extra joy. It will bring me joy and hope to think about her and anticipation to someday see that same joy and excitement of the season in the eyes of my child(ren).
Sunday, November 9, 2008
Waiting
This weekend Clay and I headed up to Wisconsin to see Alissa and Nathan. On the drive up I decided to read the daily devotional "Our Daily Bread." I used to like to read the Methodist version "The Upper Room" and this is very similar. I carry the current copy in my purse under the intention that I will read each day's entry at work while I eat my breakfast. However, I must admit I haven't read it in days (maybe even weeks.) Reading Friday's entry I was moved. I even reread it again and then read it aloud to Clay. I intended at that moment to blog on it since I was so moved. We returned home this afternoon and I got a note from my mother-in-law. She too reads the devotional and made a copy of that same entry from Friday to send to me. She wrote a note that said she thought of me when she read it.
It is entitled "Waiting."
Psalm 70:1 Make haste to help me, O Lord!
"Make haste to help me, O Lord!" the psalmist David prayed. Like him, we don't like to wait. We dislike the long lines at supermarket checkout counters, and the traffic jams downtown and around shopping malls. We hate to wait at the bank or at a restaurant.
And then there are the harder waits: the childless couple waiting for a child; a single person waiting for marriage; an addict waiting for deliverance; a spouse waiting for a kind and gentle word; a worried patient waiting for a diagnosis from a doctor.
What we wait for, however, is far less important than what God is doing while we wait. In such times He works in us to develop those hard-to-achieve spiritual virtues of meekness, kindness, and patience with others. .But more important, we learn to lean on God alone and to "rejoice and be glad" in HIM.
FB Meyer said "What a chapter might be written of God's delays! It is a mystery of the art of educating human spirits to the finest temper of which they are capable. What searchings of heart, what analyzings of motives, what testings of the word of God, what upliftings of the soul...All these are associated with those weary days of waiting, which are, nevertheless, big with spiritual destiny."
God's direction: Be still, my child and know that I am God!
Wait thou patiently- I know the path you trod.
So falter not, nor fear, nor think to run and hide.
For I, thy hope and strength, am waiting by thy side.
Thought for the day: God stretches our patience to enlarge our soul.
Darn those "Harder waits." I struggle with the sentence "What we wait for, however, is far less important than what God is doing while we wait." I do not understand his plan (not that I should understand), but I fear the longer my WAITING the more my faith will be tested. To me a child is the most important thing to a mother and something I want to know. Maybe it is a test of my patience, or my virtues God is looking to strengthen and improve to help me in my journey ahead in life. I may never have any answers so I must repeat the direction of God over again and allow my path to unfold. I am ready to enlarge my soul and stretch my patience as I move forward. I know that my "Waiting" has only begun. My journey of 1,000 steps starts with just this 1.
It is entitled "Waiting."
Psalm 70:1 Make haste to help me, O Lord!
"Make haste to help me, O Lord!" the psalmist David prayed. Like him, we don't like to wait. We dislike the long lines at supermarket checkout counters, and the traffic jams downtown and around shopping malls. We hate to wait at the bank or at a restaurant.
And then there are the harder waits: the childless couple waiting for a child; a single person waiting for marriage; an addict waiting for deliverance; a spouse waiting for a kind and gentle word; a worried patient waiting for a diagnosis from a doctor.
What we wait for, however, is far less important than what God is doing while we wait. In such times He works in us to develop those hard-to-achieve spiritual virtues of meekness, kindness, and patience with others. .But more important, we learn to lean on God alone and to "rejoice and be glad" in HIM.
FB Meyer said "What a chapter might be written of God's delays! It is a mystery of the art of educating human spirits to the finest temper of which they are capable. What searchings of heart, what analyzings of motives, what testings of the word of God, what upliftings of the soul...All these are associated with those weary days of waiting, which are, nevertheless, big with spiritual destiny."
God's direction: Be still, my child and know that I am God!
Wait thou patiently- I know the path you trod.
So falter not, nor fear, nor think to run and hide.
For I, thy hope and strength, am waiting by thy side.
Thought for the day: God stretches our patience to enlarge our soul.
Darn those "Harder waits." I struggle with the sentence "What we wait for, however, is far less important than what God is doing while we wait." I do not understand his plan (not that I should understand), but I fear the longer my WAITING the more my faith will be tested. To me a child is the most important thing to a mother and something I want to know. Maybe it is a test of my patience, or my virtues God is looking to strengthen and improve to help me in my journey ahead in life. I may never have any answers so I must repeat the direction of God over again and allow my path to unfold. I am ready to enlarge my soul and stretch my patience as I move forward. I know that my "Waiting" has only begun. My journey of 1,000 steps starts with just this 1.
Friday, November 7, 2008
Will I turn into Charlotte?
I am a huge Sex and the City fan. I just love the show. I love it so much I have been through the whole box set of the series 3 times and I'm contemplating watching them through again after my insurance test. We have also been catching the re-runs on TBS or WGN at night before bed. Sometimes I don't like to watch them on TV, not because they cut out the boobs and nudity, but because they cut out entire plot lines or stories. You really miss some of the backstory to have to watch them on TV. Well the last two nights we have watched them and it annoys me that the first one on from 9-930 doesn't correspond to the one on from 930-10. But the one on at 9 today will correspond to the one on at 9 tomorrow so I guess I shouldn't complain since I should go to bed at 930 anyway.... okay back to the question. Will I turn into Charlotte?
The episodes I am currently watching are the ones where Charlotte and Trey are trying to have a baby. Charlotte is "reproductively challenged" as she says. She talks of trying to conceive using all the different positions by saying they had done it with her on top, her on bottom, her on top and then the bottom, and so on. She is baby obsessed and eager to conceive. Since I have seen all the episodes I know the story proceeds as she has more "speedbumps" to where she needs the fertility shots. Trey gives her the shots every night but wonders if its too much at times. Her moods swing up and down and she has a rough time of it. Later in the series when her and Harry (whom I love) try to have a baby she even tries acupuncture (sounds like me.) I know Charlotte conceives but they end up losing the baby. Will I lose a child after getting pregnant? I don't want to be negative or fear the worse but with PCOS and a hormone imbalance I think it would be a possibility. (I've read the tendency to have a miscarriage is greater with PCOS.) How devastating would that news be? (sidebar: I read other blogs about mothers who have lost their children either in the womb or shortly after birth and it breaks my heart to read their anguish. I pray they find peace and comfort. )
However, I know in the end Charlotte and Harry end up with a beautiful little girl Lily that they adopt from China and from the movie I know there is even more of a happy ending when they have sweet baby Rose naturally. So there is hope. I may end up like Charlotte and in all honesty I can say it really wouldn't be that bad. Her journey had those "speedbumps and roadblocks" that I fear are ahead but the she got there in the end and so will I.
However, I know in the end Charlotte and Harry end up with a beautiful little girl Lily that they adopt from China and from the movie I know there is even more of a happy ending when they have sweet baby Rose naturally. So there is hope. I may end up like Charlotte and in all honesty I can say it really wouldn't be that bad. Her journey had those "speedbumps and roadblocks" that I fear are ahead but the she got there in the end and so will I.
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