Trying to be patient and remember....

God answers prayers. Just not always in the way or in the time frame we want. God answers prayers, but the outcome we hope for is not always the outcome God has in mind.

(Statement taken from a different blog. Words above written by someone else and not me but well worded.)

Injections 101

Yesterday at the doctor's office wasn't a complete bust. We were able to go ahead and discuss injections and go through the "instructional" training. This way if we do move forward next month with the injections, we will know what to do and may be able to possible avoid a trip over to Urbana. Linda (a nurse) gave us our tutorial and I just wish we would have had the camera. We made quite a mess.

We learned about:

• Gonadotropins and the variety of drugs to assist in the development of eggs
• Properly preparing and mixing the medicines which will come in powder form and be mixed with saline solution
• Needles and Qcaps used to carefully transfer the saline to the powder and then to withdraw the medicine from the vial to administer it
• Properly injecting the medicine in one of the three locations on my body (hip, fat of belly, or butt)
• Proper disposal of unused meds and used needles

I will go into much more detail when we actually get around to using the meds. Then there can be visual aids. For now, we know the basics and I am confident we can do it. It will take a bit of practice to do certain things one handed and to get used to it all but the Qcap is a really neat device that makes transferring the saline to the powder and then storing the remainder of the meds quite easy. I'm just wishing we could have moved forward this month. I am hoping we can retain our knowledge until needed.

One, Two, Three Strikes Days You're Out

After the monkey's arrival on Wednesday I called the doctor. The nurse called back with the game plan. We were going to repeat Letrozole on days 2-6 and add injections of FSH on day 7-?. A baseline sono was scheduled and we discussed the injections. The game was relocated to Urbana for a tutorial on injections and mixing the meds. So yesterday, on Clay's 31st birthday, we headed to Urbana. Usually they are very prompt but yesterday they were running behind, but we patiently waited.
Once we were called back we went to the sono room. The nurse took pictures and measured, much like normal and then she paused. Turning the screen to me, I immediately saw a large "follicle" It looked something like this....
Now this isn't my ovary but that's pretty much what it looked like. One large overgrown follicle. One follicle that just forgot to stop growing after ovulation. One showstopping pain in my ass umm...ovary. Yes, I said showstopping. See, it was day 3 and I'm already done with this cycle of meds. All of the plans to finish the round of Letrozole and start injections ended on the spot. The extra large follicle is actually a CYST and a large one at that. Now I'm just a bit confused about why we can't continue with the meds but the bottomline is we can't. We have to wait for the cyst to resolve, dissipate, go the hell away. Looking on Dr. Google for some information, we find that a cyst is really just a "fluid filled sac." Dr. Google also indicated that the most common type of an ovarian cyst is a functional cyst and functional cysts can be classified in two ways:

• Follicle cysts. These cysts form when the sac doesn't break open to release the egg. Then the sac keeps growing. This type of cyst most often goes away in 1 to 3 months.
• Corpus luteum cysts. These cysts form if the sac doesn't dissolve. Instead, the sac seals off after the egg is released. Then fluid builds up inside. Most of these cysts go away after a few weeks. They can grow to almost 4 inches. They may bleed or twist the ovary and cause pain. Some drugs used to cause ovulation can raise the risk of getting these cysts.

There was no mention as to the type of cyst, only that we needed to give it time to resolve itself. There were two options moving forward:
1. Do nothing. Allow the cycle to naturally unfold and wait for the leaving monkey to come back again. OR
2. Take birth control pills for 1 month to force the monkey's timely return in 28 days.
I opted for the do nothing. I don't want to put any birth control pills in my body right now. Plus TECHNICALLY there is still a chance to get pregnant this month when I ovulate. It's just that we aren't medicating to help with ovulation and we aren't monitoring the cycle so we don't know when the ovulation will be. Had I taken the BCP option, I would not have had the chance to ovulate. My body has had enough birth control pills and the fact that I've just started ovulating again I don't want to make a U-turn, even if only for one month.
So now, 3 days into my next cycle, I am once again stuck and at a standstill. Just passing the time waiting for the monkey to come back again. I pray sooner rather than later for I fear that even 28 days is going to feel like an eternity this month. The last two weeks were long enough now I get to do it again, plus some. 28 days will be May 12th.
We discussed that if I don't get my period by day 35-40 then it will be back to a round of Provera and back to the beginning. (Pending I'm not pregnant by some miracle.)
When my period does return, they will do another sono to make sure my cyst has properly dissolved and if there are any questions, possibly some bloodwork. Then we discuss moving forward again......

Unexpected visitor (well in a way)

Tomorrow it will have been 2 weeks since my last sonogram and last contact with the Dr.'s office. From previous posts, you know that the time has gone SO SLOWLY. I was to take a pregnancy test tomorrow and report back to the doctor given the uncertainty of the last sonogram and the "unknown ovulation." My temps were higher and holding after day 19-20 so I thought maybe I ovulated and it was just going to be a longer (37 day) cycle again. I had decided not to test tomorrow as instructed. (Again I was going to disobey.) I was just going to wait until Monday and see if I had my monkey or not. I didn't expect the monkey until next week given my temp chart showing the increase in temps for the luteal phase. However, there were only 7 days above the line on my chart for a luteal phase that is supposed to be 12-14 days long or so. Hmm... maybe I did ovulate earlier than expected. Who the hell knows? Oh and I guess I haven't really explained yet but my period came this morning. I'm sure you figured it out from the title and the rambling but just in case... yup, it's here. It's a few days earlier than I expected but I expected it so at least it came.
So now, I have called the doctor and left a message. I am awaiting their return call to advise me of what I should be doing. It just clicked with me that today is Wednesday and Dr. J should be in Urbana so they won't have to call and ask him since he is right there. Maybe I should just drive over and see him.

Disobeying the doctor and feeling STUCK

As I may have mentioned in a prior post, I was supposed to start using the Prometrium on Sunday 04/05/09. I haven't been and I really have no desire to. I used one yesterday morning, but most of it came out. I used one this morning too but almost wish I hadn't. The only reason I seem to be attempting to use them is because when I don't then I feel like I am disobeying the doctor and the guilt gets me. He is the doctor and he knows what to do. He has been doing this for years. He is educated and concerned for me. He shows a passion and a sincerity and his goals are my goals, but I just don't feel like using them. I feel stuck this month. With the day 15 sono results being so uncertain. I wish we would have done an additional sono on day 17 or even 19 to see if the follicle was bigger or smaller (my guess would be bigger and that my body was just going super slow this month.) I don't want to disobey but I don't feel anything this month except STUCK. Even time is standing still. That first cycle went so quickly. I felt like the days just flew. This one is stuck on slowpoke mode. It hasn't even been a week since that sono and I feel like it's been AGES. How much slower can the time move? Maybe it's all because I don't have any more appointments set. I don't have anything to look forward to. The only thing on the horizon is a home pregnancy test that will yet again be negative. I truly am STUCK. I am supposed to test on the 16th. Would it hurt if I waited even longer? Day 30 just feels too early. I guess it's like the nurse said...."It's just a shot in the dark" this month. Now she was talking about bloodwork but I feel that way about the bigger picture this month. I wish I could just fast forward the clock to next month and try again. I don't like feeling stuck in a cycle where nothing is happening.

Life is a highway...but infertility is a cross country adventure

I read quite a few blogs, some written by people I know and others from those I don't. Many of the blogs I read written by people I don't personally know deal with infertility. One of my regular blogs is called "Mrs. Spit Spouts Off."

This blog is the story of a lady from Canada who was once pregnant. God's plan was to take her sweet angel to heaven early, so now she loves a baby she is unable to physically hold. She is trying to have another baby and struggling with "unknown" fertility issues. Today she gave a great metaphor (I think that is the right term) about the ride an infertile couple experiences. In a post entitled You can't divide by zero she says..."The ride of infertility is a long one, with many exit points. The problem is, none of them seem to be clearly marked. Perhaps we ride around and around, and for some of us, I think maybe we fall off in exhaustion at some point."

I see this in so many of the women writing blogs. The unknown, the confusion, the round and round of cycle after cycle, the desperate holding on to hope, the struggles to figure out when to exit, finding the right thing for you and your family, the right way to keep your dreams but face reality and accept God's plan for your life, the endless questions.

So I write my blog. It clears my head and captures my heart as Clay and I keep moving, praying I don't get tired or too dizzy.

Ovulation: NOT detected

My temps have gone haywire. They have yet to stabilize after my last cycle and it seems to be a constant up and down. I am on day 20 and according to the charting software, no ovulation was detected. My heart says the same. The doctor was a bit more hopeful last Thursday (Day 15) that I may have already ovulated, but I don't think so. I don't think I was ready. This morning I used the Prometrium "insert" for the first time. I don't know if I want to but I was told to start using them this past Sunday and I waited 48 hours. The chart up above just confuses me. It doesn't match the "typical" chart that it's supposed to. If you want to see what a semi-"normal" chart looks like, re-read this post. It shows my first graph that was also very sporadic and then the next cycle where I clearly ovulated.

I don't get it (and apparently neither does my body)

This morning I went in for a quick sono. It is day 15 and we were on the hunt for mature follicles that could indicate an impending ovulation. However today we were unlucky. I could tell almost immediately that the news wouldn't be good but I let the tech finish....it's all a blur.... 28 on the right...30 something on the left.... all small....
I didn't expect much when the nurse called but I did expect more than I got. She said I had one on the right measuring 8x7 and one on the left measuring 10x6. Nowhere near maturity. What came next was even more confusing.... "Well," she said. "We aren't sure if you didn't do well this cycle or if you have already ovulated and the follicles are collapsing." What? Not sure? Aren't you the trained professionals? I can take a guess and tell you that I didn't respond and nothing matured this month. I can feel it. I know it based on my screwed up temps. I know it based on the fact that just 9 days ago (on day 6 when the dr. did an impromptu sono) he said there was "nothing significant" going on. I doubt that in 9 days I went from "nothing significant" to a fully mature follicle, ovulated, and then collapsed the follicle. That's just not how this body works.
Well regardless (please note I did not say irregardless as that is NOT a word and drives me absolutely insane when used) we "proceed under the assumption I have already ovulated." What a waste and a pain when I know in my heart I didn't. SO we do the timed intercourse, check. Add prometrium (those creamy pains in my ...) check. AND then take another test that I am bound to fail. CHECK MATE! We won't be doing blood this time around given (and I quote) it would be like "taking a shot in dark" since we aren't sure when you ovulated. Isn't this whole process a "shot in the dark?" AND if I have already ovulated then what good will the intercourse do now? I am just very confused and don't understand. I was so pleased at the positive response I had last month and filled with hope. That pleasantness seems to be gone and all I'm left with is questions. Questions and lots of time....