Random Question #3

One of my friends and I were emailing the other day and she asked, "Can you imagine what our great grandmothers would have thought if someone told them that it would be completely acceptable in the year 2009 to write a story about your ovaries and periods on a computer, where their friends can access the information at their will?"

I'm sure they would have a thing or two to say for sure.

I share the same thoughts...

Clay may be a man of very little words. I often think he is quiet and an "internal processor" (in contrast to me anyway). However, we were emailing back and forth this morning. I am concerned since my temps have not come back down and seem to be very erratic again this month. A few emails went back and forth and then Clay said this about our doctor....

"I have no doubt he'll get us there. I think we really lucked out and got a great doctor who actually cares about his patients and has been doing this for a really long time."

I couldn't agree more!

Did I really joke with the Dr that my body is like a car?

In preparation for my doctor's visit this week, I had done some light reading on his website and stumbled across a procedure called uterine suspension. It's usually done at the same time as a laparoscopy . It is performed for a tilted uterus. (Remember, I have a tilted uterus.) I had been talking about this with a friend and she said, "It's like you are a car." We joked back and forth about needing a "tune-up" or an "oil-change" and some other various car jokes. That night I had shared the story with Clay but he did not laugh. (He usually never laughs at my jokes or whatever I think is funny or cute.) However, he was laughing yesterday. More on that in a minute.....
So, we went to the doctor yesterday afternoon. I was armed with all of my questions. We tried to tape it all on my MP3 player so I will have to give that a listen later and see if it worked. We talked about my cycle and that I was still making good progress to ovulate again. We discussed the fact that there was no "true" temp spike for ovulation unless I had already ovulated the day of my last sono and shot of Ovidrel (day 16) which as I learned is possible. We discussed that they can't tell on the sono if I had already ovulated so he thinks it was day 15 or 16 or at least I had started the process around then. He was happy with my cycle length and smiled at my compulsive documentation skills. I had a copy of my most recent temp chart for him marked with all the important markers (i.e. Letrozole days 3-7, day 16 Ovidrel, Prometrium start, Prometrium stop, and start of cycle). He just shook his head. I think he finds me funny on some level since I'm a bit anal. We also talked about a diet and I could have hugged him. I thought it would help if I lost some more weight but he just stared at me. He said "It's not a weight issue with you. You don't need to lose any if you don't want." Did I mention I LOVE my doctor? We also talked about Clay's tank and various hormone levels. I asked why my temps were taking so long to drop back down to normal since my period is over and he said that was normal. The drugs "tax" the ovaries a bit and it takes them a little longer to wind back down after being so geared up. We talked about overworking the ovaries and how usually he sometimes backs off to an every other month work-up (which I don't want to do since I want to be aggressive). Somehow in all this talk, he mentioned sneaking into the ultrasound room for an "off the books" sono to see what I looked like this month. (I thought well, we have the baseline from day 2 but if you want to see day 6, then let's go for it.) However, this required a wait to work in between appointments and sneak into the room. He took a few shots. We had a medical student with us so while doing the sono, the good dr. pointed out a few things. We again discussed my overly tilted uterus and he asked the med student "How's that for a polycystic ovary?" To which the med student started to count and then stopped to ask "Is it even worth counting when there are that many?" HA! Well, no not really but you can humor me and try. After returning to the room, he said, "Alright, I have a long term game plan." Then he discussed trying the Letrozole this month and maybe one more. Then depending on the pain (wink-wink) we will discuss the laparoscopy and the uterine suspension as well as some other procedure that can all be done at the same time. Clay and I had a laugh from the talk about the uterine suspension.
That brings me finally back around to the title. Since Clay and I had a little laugh, I felt the need to explain the conversation I had with my friend about the uterine suspension and sounding like a car. The doctor got a BIG KICK out of it all and then added, "Well, I will give you a good oil change too." I thought he was joking but I guess not. He went on to explain that at the end of the procedure they do insert an "oil" (I don't remember the fancy name or terms) to coat the uterus and it is thought to aid with fertilization and increase the chances for conception. We had a good laugh and Clay added that maybe we could also rotate the tires next time. HA! Now he joined in in the humor. So I guess my body really is like a car and I really did share the joke with my doctor, or should I say mechanic ;o)

100th post

100 posts! Really? If you are reading this, are you tired of me yet?

I have delayed writing this for a few days because I noticed it was going to be my 100th post and I thought it should be "special" or a "good one," but I have had so many thoughts run through my head that it's time to post. It could be the 100th post and contain 100 questions. Do you think I could write that many questions? I am sure I could.

Today I head to the doctor again. It's an "off cycle" appointment in my opinion since I'm on day 6 and they really won't do anything. I finished taking the Letrozole this morning and now we just wait for day 12, 14, 16, etc to do some more sonograms. Clay and I do have a long laundry list of questions for the doctor. Hopefully we will get them all asked and understand the answers. I also hope we remember the answers and don't experience "appointment amnesia" again. I really pray that I find some peace in the answers and the overall plan or road ahead. I could use some peace today. My soul feels restless and dreary. (The weather isn't helping either) My heart is heavy and discouraged today. I could use a hefty dose of sunshine and hope.

Some of the questions we are going to ask the doctor include:
What is the big game plan?
How many months in a row do we do the same thing?
How soon do we talk about surgery?
Why was my temp chart weird? Ovulation day? Triphasic?
Why do we go from an every other day schedule to 3 days in a row around ovulation? Won’t the tank be empty? (that’s clays question)
Should I be on a diet? Would it help?
Can we test my hormone levels again since its been 6 months on the meds?
If we get my hormones under control will that help my skin? (he may not know this one)
Do we keep off appts like today’s just to “catch up” since we drive 2 hours (roundtrip) to see the dr for like 15 minutes? Or should I try to move them to keep them on sono days?
Why did it take so long for my period to start when I stopped taking the Prometrium?
Can the Prometrium affect my temps? (that may answer the chart question)
Does having surgery mean I have to skip a month?
What happens if the timing is off for May and June since we will be traveling a lot? What do we do then?

So that's really only like 17 questions (if I counted right which I am not sure I did), but they are swirling in my head a million miles an hour and I sometimes wish I could just tune them out or turn my head off. It would be easier. But Life is hard right? Trials make us stronger in the end, so I keep moving. I will try to update later for post #101 with some of the answers.

Baseline Sono, updated plans, and unexpected bills

This morning at 8 I went to the lab for my baseline sono. I found out the nurse has scheduled me for Urbana and not Bloomington, but they were able to get it fixed and squeeze me in. Thank goodness! Although I don't much care for the sono tech in Bloomington much right now. Maybe over the next few months when she sees me 10,000 times we will become friends, but for now she is a bit cold. (I also think she overcounts, but that is a different story.) Today she found 31 follicles on my right ovary and 28 on my left. (I swear these are the same numbers she gave last month. Is she just counting cysts or what's the deal? I will have to ask the doctor next week.) My uterine lining was 6.8 which I would expect to be going down due to the monkey. The nurse called later to discuss the results but not much was said. She set me up for my day 12 sono in Bloomington and it falls on a Monday. So if I have to do day 12, 14, and 16 it will be on Monday, Wednesday, and Friday. That shouldn't be too bad. I am however hoping that my follicles are ready by day 14 this time. I also have a gut feeling for two follicles this month. I think that would be better odds but we will see what my body can do.
I think that takes care of the first two parts of the title so let me explain the third..... we got a letter today from Carle Clinic that was quite shocking to open. It ended up being a bill for ..... are you ready?..... $1867.00. WHAT??? I was confused and borderline mad so I called the number listed and talked to a very helpful rep. She said it appeared insurance had never been billed and indicated she would send it to them immediately. She also said she would follow up on Monday with the insurance to make sure it processed correctly. OMG! One month (well technically 13 days) of treatment and its already almost $2,000. Holy smokes! I am not sure but I think it should all be covered by insurance (at least I hope so.) Guess I'll have to wait and see. I'm sure if it's not all covered there will be an angry post ahead. However given I have "enhanced fertility coverage" which is the best available with Health Alliance then I should be okay. Stay tuned for details ;o)

Hey Hey, It's the Monkey!

After a morning of cramps the monkey has made its appearance making it a new day 1 and marking the end of a 37 day cycle. Yes, they are getting shorter each month. Given my instructions from the doctor, I will go in for a baseline sono on day 2 and then take my Letrozole on days 2-6 to get the next show on the road. I am ready!!!! I have had some bigger cramps this time around but the monkey is still somewhat welcome given its absence for so long. Day 1 is off and rolling and the next countdown (or should it be countup?) begins.

Praise you in this storm

Once again I feel like sharing a song/video. I am so moved by music. It pulls on my heart strings and gives me strength to keep going. Music gives me hope and peace. Often I sing loudly through my tears, and I will keep singing. This is a song very near and dear to my heart right now. I reminds me to keep holding on through this storm of infertility and that the tears I cry are caught before they hit the floor.

"Praise You in This Storm"

I was sure by now,God, you would have reached down

and wiped our tears away,

stepped in and saved the day.

But once again, I say amen

and it's still raining

as the thunder rolls

I barely hear You whisper through the rain,

"I'm with you"

and as Your mercy falls I raise my hands and praise

the God who gives and takes away.

(Chorus)

And I'll praise you in this storm

and I will lift my hands

for You are who You are

no matter where I am

and every tear I've cried

You hold in your hand

You never left my side

and though my heart is torn

I will praise You in this storm

I remember when I stumbled in the wind

You heard my cry to You

and raised me up again

my strength is almost gone how can I carry on

if I can't find You

and as the thunder rolls I barely hear You whisper through the rain

"I'm with you"

and as Your mercy falls I raise my hands and praise

the God who gives and takes away

(Chorus)

I lift my eyes onto the hills

where does my help come from?

My help comes from the Lord, the maker of heaven and earth

I lift my eyes onto the hills

where does my help come from?

My help comes from the Lord, the maker of heaven and earth

(Chorus)

Buying stock in Kleenex

I have always been partial to Kleenex. I don't particularly like generic facial tissue. I like Kleenex. I have used quite a bit over the journey of this blog. In the car, at my desk, at home, wherever I am, I have Kleenex. Today I read the bottom of the box and I liked it. It says, "Kiss calm, cool, and collected goodbye! Don't be bashful. Don't be shy. It's time to unabashedly let it out! So be messy. Be imperfect. Be liberated and free. Be what you are. Be human. Blow it loud and blow it proud with Kleenex tissue."
Well thank you Kleenex! I am human and I am imperfect. I will cry and blow my nose as loud as I can. I will not be shy.

Day of many posts...

I have more posts swimming in my head. I am doing a lot of processing and I need to let it all out. So I will.

Rinse and Repeat

After calling the doctor's office on Monday with my negative test result, the nurse was to talk with Dr. Jarrett and then call me back with this next cycle's game plan. I talked to the nurse around noon on Monday. She said after she spoke with the doctor at lunch, she would call me back. I didn't hear anything Monday afternoon or all day yesterday. So, yesterday around 430pm I called to leave a message. This morning she called me back.
Essentially my instructions are to "Rinse and Repeat." We will wait for my cycle to begin and clear out my lining. Then we will repeat a round of Letrozole (aka Femara). Instead of days 3-7 like we did last month (mainly cause my first appointment fell on day 3 and Dr. Jarrett wanted to get the show on the road) we will do days 2-6. I am to call the doctor's office on day 1 whenever the monkey makes its appearance to get a baseline sonogram (ultrasound) scheduled for day 2. Then I will take my Letrozole (day 2-6), have periodic sonograms (day 12, 14, ?) to track the growth of my follicles, and finally another shot of Ovidrel to induce ovulation once a follicle is mature.
Now the hardest part is not knowing when the monkey will come. I have no idea when day 1, 2 or 14 will be. I have to patiently wait for the cycle to begin. I had asked how soon I should expect a cycle since I stopped taking the "inserts" on Sunday night (over 48 hours ago), but she said there is no answer. She merely said "Any day now." Well, isn't that grand! I wish it would just start today so that I could get moving again. If it hasn't started by next Monday, I am supposed to call. Really? It it hasn't started 1 week after stopping the inserts. Isn't my period like more than a week late at that point considering I "ovulated" with the Ovidrel around Feb 25-27th. My period was expected on March 13th so next Monday makes me a week late. Isn't that strange? Wouldn't that be unhealthy? Abnormal? I think its weird.
Oh well, what do I know. This plan for the next cycle is what Clay and I anticipated. Now we just have to see where the day 2 sonogram and any other sonograms fall to decide if we have to go to Urbana (if they fall on the weekend) or if they can be done in Bloomington. I would almost prefer to have them done in Urbana given the nurses do them there and they are super friendly but the sonogram techs do them here in Bloomington at the lab and aren't as warm.
I had also asked about my appointment scheduled for next Tuesday and whether I should keep it. She looked at the chart and said he would prob still want to see me so I will gladly still take next Tuesday afternoon off for a trip to see the wizard.
Now I just sit and wait for the next show to begin.............................

Must have been a fluke....

I took another test this morning. This was the one I was to report back to the doctor. Clay got up around 4 or 430 and I woke up. Of course then, I had to pee. I got up and peed in my SpongeBob cup, swirled the stick, put the cap on, and left the room. Clay and I walked back in 2 minutes later to check the results and ........... there was NOTHING. No line, not even a faint one. Thursday's test must have been a fluke. Today's test showed a big empty circle and a BIG FAT NEGATIVE. Well Darn IT! I worked up my hopes all weekend and I was so excited. I was so hopeful this morning for the test and then WHAM..... a BFN. I have seen other woman on their infertility blogs use the BFN and I thought well it's just a negative. Why does it have to be a BIG FAT Negative? Well, I understand now. I shouldn't have taken the test Thursday. I should have been patient. I shouldn't have let my hopes build up. It was just hard not to.
Clay and I went back to bed. I was sad. I wanted to let myself cry but I did not. I will not!
At 6am we woke up and decided not to go to work. I was tired. I didn't really sleep well (if at all) between4 and 6 and my sinuses were still messed up. Clay was still tired too so we played hooky today. I slept from 6-10am and then again from 2-5pm.
I did call the doctor this morning at 10 to share the negative result. The nurse called back and said they would return my call again after talking to the doctor about the next steps but I am to stop the progesterone "inserts" and wait for my expected period to start. My luck now will be that the stupid period doesn't come even though we know that I ovulated. Explain that one? I guess I will just wait the next 48 hours and see what happens. I hope the nurse also calls back tomorrow to let me know what we will be doing this month/cycle.
On a positive note, my next appt is already next Tuesday the 24th, so I don't have to wait long to take the next step.

What today would have been....

Today March 11th was my original appointment with the reproductive endocrinologist, Dr. Jarrett. That's right, the man I've already seen twice. Today was my first scheduled appointment at 2pm but now instead he and I have already done one cycle together. He is in Bloomington today but I won't be going to see him. I have my next appointment with him on the 24th in Urbana. I am so thankful I had my appointment moved up and that we have been proactive. So now instead of just seeing the doctor for the first time, I sit on the eve of taking a home pregnancy test filled with possibility for the first time. I know there was one follicle and hopefully with a viable egg. I know my hormone levels were up high enough when tested last week that my body could support a viable pregnancy. I know from the last ultrasound that my lining was thick and ready to receive and LORD knows we had brownies repeatedly around the proposed time for ovulation.
So I am nervous, maybe a bit scared, definitely excited, and processing about 9million thoughts a minute if not a second. I am glad Clay and I talked about it and decided it would be okay to test tomorrow before our trip instead of waiting till we get back Monday. What will we see? How will I feel (I know that depends on the answer to that first question)? I am going to try to hold off and sleep till at least 5am since I will probably not be able to return to my slumber. Clay wants to be awake too, so maybe neither of us will get any sleep. My world right now sits as one big "IF".....

Operation SpongeBob

The Brockman household is in great debate right now (at least that is my perception). I would really like to take a HPT on Thursday morning so that I will finally just KNOW, but my stickler rule-abiding husband (which is a role-reversal since I'm usually the stickler) thinks that because the doctor said to wait until Friday, that taking it one day early would be futile.

My wonderful friend Melissa (seems weird to write her whole name as I usually just call her Mel) has devised a secret and well-designed plan. It has been coined OPERATION SPONGEBOB. I had her write out the specs in her own words. (I have added a few comments in black). So here it is.....


"Kim had mentioned to me how she was wanting to take a "test" before she leaves for her trip on Thursday but was afraid if she did and it was positive she could not keep the news a secret over the weekend. I on the other hand want her too because I am very interested in the results so I can start shopping ASAP. So me being the good friend I am came up with Operation Spongebob. Keep in mind Kim and I have no barrier lines in our friendship so such things could take place. It will work like this:

Kim will wake up at her usual time (3:30am) and be so sleepy that she will accidentally miss the toilet and pee directly into a Spongebob cup that just happened to be near the toilet. She really should keep a tidier house. She will feel so shameful that this happened she will hide the cup from Clay, so he will not think she is crazy. (It may be too late for that, I know.) Now because they will be gone for an extended weekend someone (Melissa) will need to come check on Kitty. I will come by and check on kitty who tends to hide in the bathroom shower. (She hasn't done this lately but it is always a good place to look) I will walk in looking for her. She will see me and try and escape. I lean over to grab her and my open pregnancy test will accidentally fall out of my pocket and directly into the SpongeBob cup Kim hid in the shower from Clay. (Yes, I keep an unwrapped pregnancy test in my pocket. You never know when it will come in handy and I like to be prepared. (Isn't that the BoyScout's motto: Always be prepared?) Everyone knows that. What ....don't you keep one in your pocket? Now I will look in awe that such a strange occurrence has taken place given I only came to check Kitty's food and litter box. But I can't just walk away, why let a good pregnancy test go to waste. So I sit on the toilet (lid down people, stick with me) with Kitty on my lap (oh I can totally see this happening....HISS!) waiting the allowed two minutes. I then nonchalantly glance over to count the number of pink lines (hopefully seeing TWO) then waalaa.............

I will know the answer to satisfy my curiosity and not tell Kim until she has made it safely to the airport ready to come home and the coast is clear.

It's full proof! (I concur)

Not that such a odd string of events would "accidentally" happen but stranger things have happened."


I Love the plan MEL!!!! THANKS!!! NOW it's time to execute ;o)

Belly rubbing and positive thoughts

Clay often tries to be a belly rubber. I really don't like it so he has learned not to do it. However, the past few days he has rubbed my belly a few times for "luck." He did it just about 4 minutes ago when I walked down the hallway. He gave me a hug (since I have a headache) and then he rubbed my belly. Right now it doesn't bother me.

After work today, I went to the grocery store with a headache and left with a bigger one. Go figure. While there I looked at the pregnancy tests. While they were on sale, I did NOT buy one. I have one left and I'm going to think positively and hold out for that ONE test. I've been debating with myself all day on whether I can talk Clay into letting me take it on Thursday or not.

Tick Tock...can I move the clock again?

Last night was daylight savings time. We got to spring the clocks forward one more hour. Yes, it was one less hour of sleep. Yes, it was one less hour to the weekend and one more hour closer to Monday morning and returning to work, but it's also one more hour closer to me testing. Last week the waiting was easy. I thought, "Well I waited more than a year to get to this point, what is two more weeks." However, something "clicked" this weekend and I'm tired of waiting. I know everything I hear in my Bible study is true (more on that in a minute) but I just wish I knew. One way or another. If I am pregnant than WHOO HOO! If not, the let's move on and get to the next step. I know that I already have another appointment scheduled for just two weeks from Tuesday. Let's take more meds. Let's produce more mature follicles and let's do it faster. Let's do it in 14 days not 16...heck let's try for 12 days. Why not? Can I just keep moving the clock an hour ahead. Just one hour a day? Maybe one hour every time I look at the clock? It would be time to test in no time. How about that? I just want an answer. It's the unknown that is the most scary. It's this final week that is getting to me. That looming test....waiting to see a pink line... having hope that for the first time in over a year there is a glimmer of hope, a normal 25% chance of fate that I could be pregnant, that it could have worked. Pretty scary really.

So tonight I turn to my Bible study pages. There have been a lot of thoughts to share but I haven't taken the time. I go on Tuesday nights and then blink 3 times and before I know it, it is Sunday night and I am once again behind and need to read. So, before I read tonight I thought I would blog about some of the things that I have written from the videos or have underlined in my book.... mostly on the theme of waiting, hoping, having faith, balancing passion and patience.

Scenario #6 from our book said "It's tough being a woman who can balance passion with patience."

The week before that session of study, I had written a post about waiting. I had shared my thoughts and ideas with my sister-in-law. I had several emails back and forth with her talking of the post and talking of waiting. In Bible study that week, the scenario above just hit the nail on the head. This past week, we revisited Scenario #6 to "turn it around." The video discussed that "in every wait there is a longing. Longing is part of the wait otherwise its just passing of time." Well, I am passing time with a deep/sincere/hopeful/(fill in any other word here) longing. I lost my train of thought as Clay and I just discussed we are out of milk since we didn't take the time to go to the grocery store this weekend. So of course, I will need to put on jeans again (I am in my pj pants) and go out into the wind to get milk. It is my responsibility (that reminds me of another scenario....but that's a different post.)

To wrap up. I will continue to wait patiently, well at least as patiently as I can. This week will come and go and the testing day will be here soon enough. I just wish I knew.

Birthday Blood

I had my blood drawn today. It was ordered to check on my Progesterone (approximately 1 week after ovulation). I went early and was in and out of the office quickly. I got the call back from the nurse this afternoon around 4. She said that she had good news (good deal cause it's my birthday and no one wants bad news on their birthday). She said my progesterone levels were good. They look for a level greater than 20 and mine was just fine. She said that my progesterone levels suggest I had a good ovulation and that I have a healthy enough lining to support implantation should my follicle be fertile (in other words if I conceived). I asked if the results were affected by the progesterone "inserts" that I have been using. She said no because when they are used vaginally its more a local result and doesn't enter your bloodstream. The blood test was all me and my hormone levels and not the creamy "inserts." WHOO HOO! She also said I am to test with my first morning urine on the 13th. That would be FRIDAY the 13th. Who would want to test on that day? I indicated I would be out of town (I will be at Laura's and unable to test), so I asked if I could test on Sunday or Monday. So, it will be Monday the 16th (which happens to be my father-in-law's birthday). I also talked a bit about the "messiness" of the Progesterone "inserts." I guess I will have to get used to it since IF I am prego then I will have to increase the "inserts" to 3x a day for the first 11-12 weeks... wow!
Anyways I thought I would share a bit about Progesterone for research sake....

What is Progesterone?
Progesterone is a hormone produced by the ovaries that helps prepare the uterus for pregnancy. It is first produced by the corpus luteum in the ovaries and later is maintained by the placenta. (The corpus luteum is what is left of the follicle in the ovary after ovulation.)

What does Progesterone do?

• Prepares the lining of the uterus for implantation.
• Keeps the lining of the uterus thick which is necessary for a successful pregnancy.
• Produces a rise in temperature after ovulation, which remains until menstruation occurs. (or remains through pregnancy)
  
• Creates a nutrient rich environment for the baby by increasing glycogen and arterial blood to the lining of the uterus.
• Keeps the uterus from having contractions.
• Causes the cervix to thicken and create a mucous plug which prevents bacteria from entering the uterus.

Now I just bide my time until a week from this coming Monday and hope that my father-in-law's birthday is just as lucky for me as my birthday was today.

"I feel pretty" remix

****TMI Warning****
Read with caution and a good sense of humor

For the last day or so I have had a song running through my head. It is "I feel pretty" from Westside Story. You know the one......I feel pretty, Oh, so pretty, I feel pretty and witty and bright! Yes, that one, only my lyrics were a bit different due to my "medicine." So without further adu, please sing with me.....

I feel creamy,
Oh, so creamy,
I feel creamy and yellow and white!
And I pity
Adding another pill tonight.

It's alarming,
Oh, alarming
It's alarming how creamy I feel!
Oh so creamy
That I hardly can believe I'm real.

Now repeat the first verse over and over and try to shake it out of your head. That's how I spent my day.