Not Me! Monday

I like reading the NOT ME! MONDAYS on the other blogs but didn't want to copy to have my own until my Christmas Miracle (see prior post). So here it is.....

I did not get my first non-drug-induced period since January. Not me. I'm 28, why wouldn't I have a normal period every month? I did not want to scream out to the world "I got my period" like a young pre-teen girl. I did not rejoice every time I had to change a tampon or just stare at it in disbelief. I sure as hell did not consider taking a picture of my used tampon to prove I had the period. I was not excited it was full and not just on one side like "normal" cause I did not previously think one side of my uterus was broken. I mean what 28 year old woman can't fill a light tampon on the first day of her period? I did not tell 4 friends (or really anyone who would listen) these thoughts or share the mental image of taking a picture of the used tampons. I did not gross any of them out, no not me. I did not buy a whole new box of tampons in anticipation for next month. No I am not optimistic at all. And most of all, my husband and I did not have a conversation over dinner about when we would have "brownies" in anticipation of my next ovulation because I am not most of all going out of town when I could be fertile. I did not mark the calendar hanging on the kitchen fridge with days 11, 13, 15, and 17 for all to see. Nope, not me at all! I am not finally on the "right" road instead of doing donuts in the parking lot.

Short, Sweet and over

It was short and sweet and is now over. It was a good 2 1/2 (maybe 3 if you stretch it out) days and it was glorious. I am on eggshells to see if I will have another. Now only time will tell.

My Christmas Story

Waring: due to the graphic nature of some material in this post, it may be unsuitable for some readers ;o)

My Christmas story begins yesterday on Christmas Eve. My elevated temp had dropped below 98 since it had risen 8 or 9 days before. I was discouraged but optimistic that it would sneak back up above 98 on Christmas day to keep the hope alive. I was expecting my period on or around Monday Dec 29th if my temps stayed elevated. That would be 14 days of elevated temps and I figured a "normal" cycle was 28 days and if you ovulate in the middle on day 14 and have elevated temps after you ovulate, then the 29th it should be.

Adding to my story, Clay and I traveled to Decatur yesterday for Christmas Eve. On the way and sort of out of the blue (as it wasn't the current topic of conversation) he says, "Maybe you could pee on a stick tomorrow."
"Why?" I asked.
"Cause it's Christmas!"
"Hmm.. hadn't planned on it since I will next week for New Years and my temps haven't been elevated the full time yet. (I then told him the expected 12/29 deadline.) However, thinking about it longer today would only be 4 days early and I think a lot of those pregnancy test boxes say "Find out 5 days before your missed period."

So on the way back from Decatur, Clay and I went to the beautiful Christmas Eve service at church. Prior to church I had to pee like a race horse so we made a pit stop. In the bathroom, I found myself wiping a few times. I could have sworn the toilet paper was a bit pink. I chalked it up to my mind playing tricks on me given the cheap one ply stuff that passes as "toilet paper" in some cases. It was probably just my flesh colored finger showing through.

Then in church, during our silent time for prayer I found myself thinking about the possibility of getting my period. Would I be happy? Or would I be sad as its one more month, not preg? Happy because the hope is alive and my body CAN naturally have a cycle of its own? I teetered back and forth in my conversation with God during that time but quickly had to wrap up my thoughts and move on.

So I went to bed last night in my new PJs debating whether to take a test today or not. (Sidebar: Does any else see the contradiction to a previous post where Clay didn't want me to pee on a stick? He thought I was wasting them....and they say women can't make up their minds.)

Then this morning, my phone "bing-bonged" (sound it makes for a text) at 545am. I had not been planning on getting up that early but the phone woke me (and Clay). So I decide I have to pee and it was now or never for that stupid stick. As a bonus, I grabbed the thermometer so I could multi-task and take my temperature too. (Although if I abided by the temperature taking rules I broke about 3 of them.)

Graphic material ahead......So, I go to the bathroom, grab my SpongeBob Square Pants cup, and take a seat. I stick the beeping thermometer in my mouth and the cup in my hand. I proceeded to pee on my hand like normal. FUN STUFF! After placing the cup on the counter, I decided to follow some of the temperature guidelines and remained still while it finished taking my reading. After what seemed like forever it beeped.......

97.29?!?@#@$!$ WHAT? ARE YOU F-IN KIDDING ME? It's back down like normal... ugh! Then I took my wonderful two ply Quilted Northern goodness to wipe and..... RED. Not pink, not the flesh toned skin showing through but real honest red and blood of a a PERIOD.

Yep, I got my period for CHRISTMAS ;o) Just what I wanted!!! Does anyone have a tampon?

But this is not where my story ends. I heard Clay in the hall after this discovery. I ran in the hall proclaiming I didn't have to pee on a stick. Now at 550am in the morning, your husband will just stare at you if you yell that at him. Then I proceeded to explain that I think I got my period. He kind of laughed (one of those happy you gotta be kidding me laughs) and so did I. I gave him a hug and he said "I guess that means NO"..... I answered, "Well, Yes it means NO I am NOT pregnant but it does mean the meds are working and that I can have a cycle on my own and the hope of actually conceiving is alive and well." (or something like that.) Then he gave me another hug and said, "It's a Christmas Miracle." (HA! Cheesy and corny but a wee bit true)

So now Clay is in the kitchen making blueberry pancakes for breakfast and I am wrapping up a wonderful post about the excitement and 2nd best Christmas present I could have asked for. (The best would have been the other direction with the stick) I will have to see how "heavy" it is. I have never had much of a cycle in the past and the fake cycles on Provera where even more of a joke and super light, so let's see what I can muster on my own. THIS is MY first official cycle since I was a teenager. No help, no drugs, no induction. (Okay a little help from drugs but in an indirect way.)

So now the counting begins again. Today changed from day 54 to a NEW DAY 1.
A prayer has been answered and that wish I wrote on the Christmas counter so long ago, is here and right on time. Right for Christmas! Merry Christmas!!!!

Smooth sailing....

Time has just been sailing by and I haven't posted. I have had things cross my mind that I want to post about but didn't get to the computer to get them out. I wanted to give a small update. My temps are still elevated ;o) I thought I jinxed it the other day when I posted as the next day my temp went down to 97.something or other, but the next day it was back above 98 and although yesterday was 98.01, today was 98.4ish so I'm hanging in there. How many days do you think it has to be elevated before I can expect my period? I would venture a guess of approximately 14 (if I had a perfect cycle). I just had day 8 this morning, so although it doesn't look like I'll get my Christmas wish for a cycle, maybe I'll have one before the new year! (Day 14 would be 12/29ish)

On a different note, Clay and I went to the children's program at church this past Sunday. I tried my hardest not to but I ended up crying a little bit. I tend to be emotional and then you get me in church with kids and music and the flood gates open. Now I wasn't crying to the point that I was sobbing, just a few tears down my cheek and a small sniffle or two. I wonder if Clay even noticed? Why did I cry? I would assume its because those kids were just too darn cute and I can't wait for the day that I have a small munchkin up there singing their little heart out.

And I know the Christmas counter has been wrong this whole time. Its just obvious now since it says 0 days until Christmas and its only the 23rd. So, I'll take it off in a few days.

I swear I had more to write about but it seems to escape me right now.

Elevated (part 2)

So, something has to be going on. For the past 3 days, my temp has been elevated, and I mean elevated more than the first post. Today my temp was 98.8 and it has been over 98 for the past 3 days. Online it says that if you follow a "textbook" cycle with your temps then you will be below 98 prior to ovulation and over 98 after ovulation. I have not had a temperature above 98 since the fake cycle of Provera I did in early November. So I am anxiously awaiting taking my daily temperature in the mornings. I keep hoping for temps over 98 (at least for the next few days) and then a nice Christmas present that would require getting out the box of Tampons. Oh I hope!

There are other signs too. Well maybe they aren't true signs but I'm reading them as signs. The "girls" are tender and a bit sore right now, which I think is a good sign and I think I had some cramps on Saturday/Sunday. Not sure if they were cramps since I haven't had cramps in so long, but let's call them cramps and keep the hope.

What's another 30 days?

Clay signed us up for the Biggest Loser Club to try to lose some weight and get back in shape. It's a hard time to do it given the holidays but he did it anyway. I got to thinking that maybe I should take a month off from the "TTC" (trying to conceive) game and just see if I can lose a few pounds. After all, what is another 30 days at this point?
I was thinking I could go ahead and call the doctor for another round of Provera now and then waiting the 30 days to request another in late January. This would give us ample time to have the infertility paperwork submitted and approved as well as get Clay tested without being on edge and craving the Clomid. Then I would have January and some of February to get back in the habit of working out and eating healthy. I figure whatever weight I lose I will gain back when I do get pregnant so maybe that would give me a leg up. Plus maybe losing a few pounds will help out the PCOS condition and the hormones. Maybe even 60 days and then we would do the Clomid toward the middle of Feb. 60 days from tomorrow is Valentine's Day (roughly) and really it will be here before I know it. Just something to think about......

Another wasted stick,

enough said.

It feels like chaos but somehow there's peace....

I saw this video on a different blog and it really spoke to me today. Just wanted to share. I really like the lyrics. I watched the video a few times to catch all the words and then I found out it is a song by one of my favorite bands Sanctus Real . I want to give a shout out to Liz for helping me figure out how to embed the video for my blog. Thanks Liz!

I want to pee on a stick

Since Friday, I have had the urge to take a pregnancy test. I have no idea why. I don't honestly think that I am pregnant, but I have wanted to take a test just to see. However, I only have one test left and I was going to wait to take it until January when I called the doctor about doing more Provera and starting the Clomid. But I just can't stop thinking about it. I've been thinking about it so much it has worked its way into my dreams. I have had two dreams about taking a test and it's the first thing on my mind when I wake up between 345 and 5 in the morning and have to pee. So I should just do it tomorrow morning, but I prob won't. I don't want the disappointment. I don't want the feeling that it's never going to show two blue lines. I want to live blindly in my hope and not be slapped on the face with disappointment and the reality that I have to wait longer to have what I want. I am being defiant and refusing to pee in that little Sponge Bob Squarepants cup and swirl the stick just to wait 2 minutes in false hope. I want the real thing. Real hope and real faith that one day it will happen. (And it will!) SO I am holding off another day. (I will probably fold tomorrow morning but we shall see....)

Timeline (updated, updated, and updated again)

So I'm keeping a paper copy of my timeline but I thought it may be better to keep online and then I can easily update when needed.

Jan 6-10th 2008- last period from birth control pills
May 9th 2008- Dr. Appt to discuss the lack of a menstrual cycle
May 9-18th- 1st prescription for Provera followed by short and light cycle
July 11th- Dr Appt for annual "peek and poke." Discussed lack of cycle
July 11-20th- 2nd cycle of Provera followed by light cycle over vacation
July 14th- Bloodwork done for PCOS labwork
August 31st- Started Metformin 500 mg 1x/day for 1 week
Sept 1-10th- Round 3 with Provera and fake cycles
Sept 5th- 1st acupuncture appt
Sept 7th- Increased Metformin to 2x/day for 2 weeks
Sept 9,11,16,19, 23- additional acupuncture appts
Sept 21st- Increased Metformin to 3x/day
Oct 1,8,14,21,30- additional acupuncture appts
Oct 8- Added Chinese herb #2....
Oct 21st- called Dr to talk about Metformin 750mg XR to change to 2x/day
Oct 24-Nov 2- Provera Round 4
Nov 2- added Chinces herb #3 Black Phoenix/White Chicken 4pills 2x/day
Nov 2- started charting basal body temps around 6am daily.
Nov 2-6 cycle from Provera
Nov 6, 20- acupuncture appts
Nov 12th- finally heard back from dr (Stacie=nurse) on what to expect for fertility treatments
Nov 14th- talked to Health Alliance. Found out have Enhanced Fertility coverage (best offered)
Dec 2nd- acupuncture appt
Dec 11th- last acupuncture appt
Dec 21- 3 month mark for Metformin at 1500mg/day
Dec 25th-Dec27th- 1st cycle on own (no Provera)
2009.....
Jan 7th- Insurance approval for fertility consultation
Jan 23rd- Clay has semen analysis done: First trip to fertility clinic in Champaign
Feb 10th-13th or 14th- 2nd cycle on my own
Feb 12th- My fertility consultation with Dr. Jarrett
Feb 12th- 1st ultrasound- saw cystic ovaries
Feb 12th-16th- Prescription of Letrozole for days 3-7 of cycle
Feb 21st- Ultrasound on day 12 in Champaign
March 24th- 2nd appt with Dr. Jarrett in Champaign

Upcoming things:
Additional acupuncture on Dec 11,17, and 22 (unless cancel)
January 2nd- file the infertility paperwork with Health Alliance)
Jan ? - Clay will be tested for his sperm count)
Jan??- Round 5 with Provera
Jan???- begin a 3 month try with Clomid on days 5-9 of the "fake" period.

I am a magnificent mess!

Today my Aunt Rachel came to visit and we went to the Immanuel Bible Foundation Women's Christmas Celebration. The guest speaker was Julie Barnhill, and she was excellent. She is a Christian speaker and delivers her message with a quirky style and humorous take on life. Today she spoke of women. We are all a mess. In fact we are all a magnificent mess (as that is the way that God intentionally made us). We are all or nothing and bring it upon ourselves. One of the best things to resolve this is to realize that we don't have it together and we don't have to. So, I want to try to remember that "I am a magnificent mess and it's okay not to have it all together."

Julie's presentation today was taped and will air a few times on tv later this month. I want to tape it and watch it again. She also has a few books (7 in fact) and I think I may try to read a few of them. Some of them deal with motherhood and those may be helpful for me in the future when we do have children. One of the interesting ones in "One Tough Mother." It says even tough mothers deal with depression, communication, stress, and anger. I also want to read the book Val recommended called "Parenting: from surviving to thriving." I need to make a note to buy those......

Hands of Hope

Life ends when you stop dreaming, hope ends when you stop believing, and love ends when you stop caring. So dream, hope, and love make life beautiful.

Photo found from: "All That I Can Say" by David Crowder

No more mouse turds?

So I think I made the decision today to be done with the acupuncture and Chinese herbs. It has become time consuming and expensive. At $60 a visit, I have spent more than $1,000 for sure going since September and each visit I don't seem to be making any progress according to the small Chinese man. I had scheduled more appointments in January and February at my last visit but I think I am going to cancel them and stop taking the small bb shaped mouse turd pills. I have an appointment today so I will see what my current diagnosis is and go from there. Just want to make the "right" decision and I'm not sure there is one in cases like this. It's a land of gray and maybe. Maybe it helps and maybe it doesn't.

Elevated

My basal body thermometer and I have become attached. I won't call us friends cause its kind of a pain in the arse to do every single morning, but I will say attached as it travelled to and from Omaha with me this weekend. Well yesterday when I took my temperature (half asleep like normal and wanting nothing more to go back to sleep and stay in bed all morning) it was elevated. Generally my temp is around 97.15-97.40ish at 6am. However yesterday it was 97.8 something. That is "elevated" in my book. I think it said if its elevated more than .3 or .4 and remains consistently high then that MAY be a sign of ovulation. Today my temp was 97.7 something (I have trouble remembering the digit in the hundredths place). I would say that is still a bit elevated. But I am on day 30 and 31 since my Provera cycle, so who knows if it really means anything at all. I did look back and I was a bit elevated around day 13 and 14 too so maybe its just a fluke.

How do you explain?

Today I stopped by Mel's house to drop off my key and some other things. (She is taking care of kitty over Thanksgiving while we are in Omaha.) I sat in the kitchen and talked with Iree (her almost 4 year old) and her. Iree asked "Kim B, why is your face red?" I turned to Mel to see if it was red from a recent scratch or if he was asking about my acne. He was asking about the acne. How do you explain acne to a 4 year old? I was stumped. I can't tell him that its cause my hormones are all jacked. I couldn't even lie and give those things you think when you are younger like "she doesn't keep her skin clean or she eats too much chocolate..." So I just said it was from some medicine that I take and my skin was "itchy" and that makes it red like it is. He asked a few more questions but thanks to mom's help we were able to satisfy his curiosity and we moved to the next topic of discussion. Such is the mind of a 4 year old I guess... taking in all the information in that it can and moving on with the next thought.
On a side note I do think my skin is actually getting a little better. I'll keep taking my meds and keep hoping it will clear as things level off.

Mind over matter my ass! (and more)

Okay so I had an acupuncture appointment yesterday. And Dr. G always asks, "How are you today?" and then he monitors my pulse. Yesterday I felt pretty good. I had been super tired on Wed night and gone to bed at like 830, but I was in good spirits for a Thursday afternoon, so I said "I'm doing good!" Well, he didn't believe me. He again said my body was weak and tired. So as I laid there in the quiet dark I got to thinking about the saying "Mind over matter."
Mentally I feel okay. I tend to be an optimistic person. I've been called "Suzie Sunshine, Pollyanna, and Little Miss Sunshine." I try to stay upbeat. It makes the day better, but to lay there after being told my body was weak and tired....well no shit! It's medicated and trying to regulate itself and losing the non-stop battle to stabilize.
So "Mind over matter" is the belief that the mind is more powerful than the body. (Specifically, mind over matter refers to controlling pain that you may or may not be experiencing, but I will think of it more in a broader sense of the mind controlling the body and its functions.....which just made me think of tantric sex but that is a whole different thought.) Well if this is true and mentally I "think" I am okay then why won't my body co-operate and start working? Can you mentally fix a physical problem? What about prayer? Is that a mental process given its a faith and a mental belief in an almighty power above?
I did manage to let the thoughts drift away yesterday on the table with the needles in and I almost fell asleep. I say almost because I'm never quite sure if I'm asleep or not but I'm groggy and yesterday I think I snorted myself awake. I had this funny pig snort of a breath and it startled me back to reality.
I went ahead and made a few more appointments into January for acupuncture so we shall see. I asked him if I was making any progress and he said "a little" which translates to "none" in my book but oh well.
I did also have another first at my appointment yesterday. I knocked out a needle like not even 2 minutes after he left the room. I wanted to see how many I had yesterday cause it felt like he just kept putting more and more needles in. I went to look and laid my hand on my chest/stomach right under the girls to pull up the gown a bit more and hit the top needle. It came right on out. So then I didnt know what to do with it. I called out a few times for the Dr, but didn't want to yell. I sure as hell couldn't get up and walk out into the hallway and ask him to stick it back in. I wasn't going to try to stick it in myself, so I laid it in the middle of the three remaining needles (that form the diamond on my stomach) and drifted off in my thoughts. Guess I have to lay still next time.
I should post a picture of myself lying on the table with all those needles in me. It really is a scene.

Quick prayer

I thought I would post a quick prayer that I liked. Kimberly sent it to me last week and I've read it a few times since then. The prayer reads.....

May today there be peace within. May you trust God that you are exactly where you are meant to be. May you not forget the infinite possibilities that are born of faith. May you use those gifts that you have received, and pass on the love that has been given to you. May you be content knowing you are a child of God. Let this presence settle into your bones, and allow your soul the freedom to sing, dance, praise and love. It is there for each and every one of us.

The "Poof fairy"

Today I spent the day shopping. My mother-in-law, her friend Jane, Kimberly, and I went Christmas shopping in Champaign today. We left Normal around 915am and got back to Normal about 915pm. We had an excellent time!! I got most of my shopping for Clay done. Only have a few things left for him and will be done. Got a few things for others too. A gift for my dad, a gift for my father-in-law and even snuck in a small part of Kimberly's gift right under her nose. We did get each other Christmas tree ornaments at the Christmas store. I got Kimberly a super cute pink one with Sex and the City on one side and then the motto "Shopping is my cardio." She liked it a lot.

We also saw a lot of wonderful signs and other things we wanted. Well, there was a cute table of these things called "Poof fairies"

There were different ones. They have the motto "You want it, you got it!....POOF!" Then each different fairy is holding a sign with the "wish" she is granting. There was "Poof! The dishes are done!" and "Poof! The kids are asleep!" and "Poof! The dog is walked!" Well if you haven't guessed it by now, mine says "Poof! You're pregnant!" I was going to use that as the title of the blog but did not want to mislead readers. Kimberly said she was for luck. I probably won't hang her up on the tree but I will keep her close to give me hope.

"Poof! You're pregnant!" ....... If only it were that easy.

Confusing Coverage Questions (say that 10 times fast)

A few weeks ago when open enrollment started at work, I called the doctor. I wanted to ask her about a proposed "timeline" for the procedures and testing I faced next year so I could determine my "out of pocket" costs and load up the Salary Stretcher Plus account. Well, after 2 weeks and 3 calls to the doctor, I finally got some information. I don't really know how helpful it was. I was given a sheet entitled "Reproductive Medicine Testing Estimate Sheet." My favorite nurse circled the things that Dr. Dutta will want to do right away and then made some notes about what they expect Dr. Jeret (the specialist) to do if I am referred to him next spring.

Then today, armed with questions about what is actually covered by our plan at work, I contacted Health Alliance. I was on the phone from about 1:18pm until almost 2. I wasn't quite sure talking to the customer service representative. I felt a bit uneasy. She placed me on hold a few times and didn't seem to confident in her answers. She did assure me we have the "Enhanced Infertility" coverage and then rattled off a list of things covered. I asked her to fax me this list for reference. She did well and I grew more comfortable under the understanding that most everything we face next year will be covered with the exception of the expected office visit co-pay of $40. I'm pretty sure she even said invitro was listed. I'll have to do some research.

However, she also transferred me to one of the nicest ladies ever named Judy. She is the nurse that reviews and authorizes all the infertility testing. She was very helpful and even gave me her direct number. I also expressed my worry about switching the coverage from my name to Clay's through work but said we would still have the "Enhanced Infertility" coverage but just a different member number.

Now I am ready and waiting.....waiting for January, waiting for the insurance coverage to get switched, waiting for my wonderful nurse Stacie to send in the authorization request for infertility testing and treatment, waiting for the "good" drugs, waiting, waiting, waiting......

On a side note, that nice lady Judy thought Clay could go ahead and do his semen analysis immediately. She didn't think it would require pre-authorization. She said they usually just pay for those in full if request. So, when I call the doctor back in December to get the ball ready for January, I will have to ask about how to get that started.

I still don't know what to do about the Salary Stretcher Plus. I figure I will just put $500 in and use what I can. If I get pregnant right away great if not, we keep plugging away.

Tears

Kimberly and I agreed to pick a name off of the tree at work to buy a gift for. I requested we pick the tag for a little kid. I wanted to pick all the tags for the little kids off the tree. I can say they are my children for the season, but my budget wouldn't allow for that.

We picked Bethany. She is a 4.5 year old and for Christmas she would like a fun desk, books, and crayons. Simple enough in my book. I am excited to buy a little kid a Christmas present. All little kids should have at least 1 present for Christmas. On the way back over to my building from Kimberly's, I started to cry. I wish I could see the joy and excitement of little Bethany when she opens her present this year.

It makes me think of last year when we were Christmas shopping in Nebraska the day after Thanksgiving. I was tired and annoyed. I really just wanted to go home. (I was also probably hungry which didn't help I am sure.) We were at the huge mall in Omaha and my mother-in-law and sister-in-law really wanted to go to Bath and Body Works. I decided to sit outside the store and wait. The boys were off looking at some other store. I was annoyed as I sat there with my bags. It was loud and crowded. People hit my bags as I sat uncomfortably on the small ledge. It was near a "play area" for children and they were all over the place screaming and chasing each other. I was just down. Then out of nowhere a little girl came running out of the playground yelling, "Santa" As I turned, the mall Santa Claus was walking to the playground to see the children. The kids all swarmed to give Santa hugs. I was overcome with tears and suddenly all my negative thoughts went away. Their pure excitement and joy was intoxicating.

I hope that my small gift to Bethany this Christmas will bring her extra joy. It will bring me joy and hope to think about her and anticipation to someday see that same joy and excitement of the season in the eyes of my child(ren).

Waiting

This weekend Clay and I headed up to Wisconsin to see Alissa and Nathan. On the drive up I decided to read the daily devotional "Our Daily Bread." I used to like to read the Methodist version "The Upper Room" and this is very similar. I carry the current copy in my purse under the intention that I will read each day's entry at work while I eat my breakfast. However, I must admit I haven't read it in days (maybe even weeks.) Reading Friday's entry I was moved. I even reread it again and then read it aloud to Clay. I intended at that moment to blog on it since I was so moved. We returned home this afternoon and I got a note from my mother-in-law. She too reads the devotional and made a copy of that same entry from Friday to send to me. She wrote a note that said she thought of me when she read it.

It is entitled "Waiting."

Psalm 70:1 Make haste to help me, O Lord!

"Make haste to help me, O Lord!" the psalmist David prayed. Like him, we don't like to wait. We dislike the long lines at supermarket checkout counters, and the traffic jams downtown and around shopping malls. We hate to wait at the bank or at a restaurant.
And then there are the harder waits: the childless couple waiting for a child; a single person waiting for marriage; an addict waiting for deliverance; a spouse waiting for a kind and gentle word; a worried patient waiting for a diagnosis from a doctor.
What we wait for, however, is far less important than what God is doing while we wait. In such times He works in us to develop those hard-to-achieve spiritual virtues of meekness, kindness, and patience with others. .But more important, we learn to lean on God alone and to "rejoice and be glad" in HIM.
FB Meyer said "What a chapter might be written of God's delays! It is a mystery of the art of educating human spirits to the finest temper of which they are capable. What searchings of heart, what analyzings of motives, what testings of the word of God, what upliftings of the soul...All these are associated with those weary days of waiting, which are, nevertheless, big with spiritual destiny."

God's direction: Be still, my child and know that I am God!
Wait thou patiently- I know the path you trod.
So falter not, nor fear, nor think to run and hide.
For I, thy hope and strength, am waiting by thy side.

Thought for the day: God stretches our patience to enlarge our soul.

Darn those "Harder waits." I struggle with the sentence "What we wait for, however, is far less important than what God is doing while we wait." I do not understand his plan (not that I should understand), but I fear the longer my WAITING the more my faith will be tested. To me a child is the most important thing to a mother and something I want to know. Maybe it is a test of my patience, or my virtues God is looking to strengthen and improve to help me in my journey ahead in life. I may never have any answers so I must repeat the direction of God over again and allow my path to unfold. I am ready to enlarge my soul and stretch my patience as I move forward. I know that my "Waiting" has only begun. My journey of 1,000 steps starts with just this 1.

Will I turn into Charlotte?

I am a huge Sex and the City fan. I just love the show. I love it so much I have been through the whole box set of the series 3 times and I'm contemplating watching them through again after my insurance test. We have also been catching the re-runs on TBS or WGN at night before bed. Sometimes I don't like to watch them on TV, not because they cut out the boobs and nudity, but because they cut out entire plot lines or stories. You really miss some of the backstory to have to watch them on TV. Well the last two nights we have watched them and it annoys me that the first one on from 9-930 doesn't correspond to the one on from 930-10. But the one on at 9 today will correspond to the one on at 9 tomorrow so I guess I shouldn't complain since I should go to bed at 930 anyway.... okay back to the question. Will I turn into Charlotte?

The episodes I am currently watching are the ones where Charlotte and Trey are trying to have a baby. Charlotte is "reproductively challenged" as she says. She talks of trying to conceive using all the different positions by saying they had done it with her on top, her on bottom, her on top and then the bottom, and so on. She is baby obsessed and eager to conceive. Since I have seen all the episodes I know the story proceeds as she has more "speedbumps" to where she needs the fertility shots. Trey gives her the shots every night but wonders if its too much at times. Her moods swing up and down and she has a rough time of it. Later in the series when her and Harry (whom I love) try to have a baby she even tries acupuncture (sounds like me.) I know Charlotte conceives but they end up losing the baby. Will I lose a child after getting pregnant? I don't want to be negative or fear the worse but with PCOS and a hormone imbalance I think it would be a possibility. (I've read the tendency to have a miscarriage is greater with PCOS.) How devastating would that news be? (sidebar: I read other blogs about mothers who have lost their children either in the womb or shortly after birth and it breaks my heart to read their anguish. I pray they find peace and comfort. )

However, I know in the end Charlotte and Harry end up with a beautiful little girl Lily that they adopt from China and from the movie I know there is even more of a happy ending when they have sweet baby Rose naturally. So there is hope. I may end up like Charlotte and in all honesty I can say it really wouldn't be that bad. Her journey had those "speedbumps and roadblocks" that I fear are ahead but the she got there in the end and so will I.

My inquiring (and rambling) mind

It's almost midnight and I can't sleep so I find myself blogging. At 945pm when I originally got out of bed I called my friend Kimberly to catch up. We hadn't talked in a few days and had lots to discuss. In the back of my mind I had a few questions to ask her about my old friend Sara. Kimberly and Sara had lunch today and she was going to "Nancy Drew" a few things for me.

I guess I should start by explaining why I say my "old" friend Sara. I know the few readers I have now know the circumstances but I should explain in case any one else reads this in the future, whether that be sooner or later.

Sara and I were friends. I like to think I was a supportive friend. She has an alcoholic husband and some other personal (for lack of a better word) issues. The alcoholic husband is unable to hold a steady job (he has authority issues to say the least) which cause additional marital conflicts regarding money in addition to the drinking. I am one that gets "involved" in her friend's life. I bring the stress my friends have upon myself as well and Sara has plenty of stress to share. I was a shoulder for her to cry on and a positive escape away from home. I even went to an Alanon meeting with her when she finally decided she needed emotional help with her husband's drinking. I have first hand knowledge of what alcohol can do to a relationship as I grew up with a recovering alcoholic father and know how it affected the marriage my parents had/have. She cried the whole meeting and I was hopeful that this would finally be what she needed to empower herself to better the situation. To my disappointment she never returned to another meeting.

Around that same time (July/Aug) after the most recent episode of drama in her life, I started thinking that I should withdraw. I didn't need the stress given I have my own stress with trying to conceive. I didn't really do anything per se and I stayed supportive but distanced myself a little. I think it was almost a pull to protect myself from what was to come.

Let me add here that during all of the past troubles she has had in her marriage I repeatedly added that she shouldn't get pregnant. That a baby would not help anything. However, I almost predicted it. On Labor Day I found out that she was indeed having a baby. I immediately decided that I could not for my own mental health be involved in her situation any further. I withdrew. I did not meanly point out the obvious things that everyone else (including her parents) were saying to her but I bowed out and wished her the best saying I needed to focus more on me.

I know to this day she thinks I chose not to be her friend because she is pregnant and I am not. However, as hard as it is to accept this totally unfair situation, that is not the reason I backed out. It's so much harder to explain. I am coming to terms with the problems that I am having trying to conceive so it's not that she is pregnant and I am not, its so so much more. Its more that she is pregnant in her situation and I feel heartache for the life that poor innocent child will be brought into and face as it grows. My relationship with my father is very damaged (much in part to his temperament which I view as directly correlated to alcoholism). I know whatever relationship this unborn child will have with its father too will be damaged or worse yet the unhealthy behaviors will be passed to the next generation and the child will further perpetuate the cycle.

Okay enough backstory..... so, even though I don't talk to Sara, I often find my thoughts focused in her direction. How is she doing?Is she showing yet? Are they going to find out the sex of the baby? Etc, Etc, Etc. I have genuine concern for both her and the baby's well being. However, in me asking some of the questions I also have some defense preparation. It's hard to explain.

Kimberly did find out that Sara will be finding out the sex but that is still a few weeks away. Now here is the BIG question..... Why oh why do I care so much?

Now I have totally lost my train of thought. I think I babbled too much with the backstory and it's late. Although I am tired and should be in bed I can't seem to turn my head "OFF" tonight and put my brain and mind chatter to rest for the night, so I lay there staring at the ceiling which only frustrates me. Then I have to get up and address the thoughts.

My other thought, at least the one I can remember..... Do I really want a little girl if I know she will prob grow up and have PCOS as well? This will only complicate her chances in the future to be a mother. She too will face the endless game of WAITING and timing and testing and whatever else lies ahead for me. Maybe it would be easier to have little boys that need testosterone. Lord knows I have enough of that to pass on!!!

Its 12:17 and I am finally getting tired. I think I rambled all the thoughts out that I may be able to sleep. I know 6 am will come much too early and it will make for a super long day at work if I am tired. Ugh!

Mammals have hair

I remember quite a bit from high school science, in part because I had a great teacher and because I enjoy science a great deal (hopefully any future kids I have will enjoy science too). Of the things I remember, I know that mammals (including humans) are warm-blooded, feed their young milk, and have hair (or fur) covering their bodies. Whether you know it or not you do have tiny hairs over a vast majority of your body. In some people this is much more obvious than others. (I'm sure you can picture an example.) I have made a recent discovery about my own mammal characteristics. When Kimberly and I were on our way back from Chicago and stopped at a McDonald's, I noticed that the hair on my arms by my wrists was thicker and DARKER than I had ever noticed. Well since noticing, I can't stop noticing. In the shower I see the dark sections of hair (its darker when wet) and when I take my watch off I notice how the band has removed some of the hair on the left wrist. I've even noticed that it seems to be "spreading" to the underside of my arm and toward my elbow, which previously didn't have very much noticeable hair. Was this hair always there or since going off of the pill in January, have my unbalanced and crazy hormones affected my hair growth? They say that women with PCOS often experience hirsutism (excessive and increased hair growth). This hair growth is usually in locations where the occurrence of hair is normally minimal or absent in women. Does this include the underside of my arms and my wrists? As I did a little researching just now, the articles also say that testosterone stimulates hair growth, increases size and intensifies the growth and pigmentation of hair. Well, wonderful! Another perk to this whole PCOS thing. Besides those pesky chin hairs and unwanted facial hair (which I have also had a growing concern to be on the look out for) I get dark & hairy wrists and arms. I better keep a tan because the whiter I get the darker it is going to look. Guess I will have to determine a way to keep these "testosterone" patches under control. I know most outsiders won't even notice, but I do. So to the drawing board I must go. Maybe I should trim them..... I don't think waxing is an option since it would look weird with NO hair on my arms and shaving is out too, so I think a trim is in order. Oh good God, one more thing!

Can you tell the difference?

Can you tell the difference between the two thermometers shown in the picture? Well, one is a regular thermometer and the other is a basal body temperature thermometer. On the surface the only difference (besides the pretty pink tip) is that the basal body temp one carries the temp out to 2 decimal points (fancy, huh?). Well, I decided to start charting my temps again. Last time I talked to my friend Jennifer (who also has PCOS and 3 wonderful kids) she mentioned that it is helpful to chart your temp and watch for ovulation. Back when I first went off the pill and didn't have a period, I charted for about 2 months. When I didn't see any changes (and still didn't have a period) I stopped. This was back in February and March. This time charting my temperature I was able to start on Day 1 thanks to the Provera. The whole point of charting your basal body temp is to see when you ovulate. Simply, your basal body temp (resting body temp/lowest body temp achieved) will raise after ovulation. If you chart your temperature cycle you can begin to predict when you will ovulate. You are supposed to take your temperature at the same time everyday. It 's supposed to also be right when you first wake up and after at least 3 hours of continuous sleep (although 5 hours is recommended). This again causes a problem for me like the peeing on a stick. I wake up everyday around 330 or sometimes later to pee. I have been taking my temp at 6am which so we will see what happens. I don't know how long I will stick out the temperature taking. Makes me feel like I should be sick. Some people even use this method as birth control prevention. That's dedication. Well anyways... that's the difference.

Black Chicken White Phoenix

So I always try to do a bit of online research about the Chinese herbs I am given. When looking up the new ones that I started today (Bai Feng Wan) I found that the translation is Black Chicken White Phoenix. Weird huh? There are a lot of sites with a lot of information but they say things like....

"Tonifies blood and qi, warms the uterus, nurtures yin, resolves stagnation of liver qi and blood. Use for menstrual disorders due to deficiency or cold, including amenorrhea, dysmenorrhea, or infertility. " and
"invigorates Qi and nourishes the blood, regulates menstruation and checks leukorrhea^†. The herbal formula is used for deficiency of both Qi and blood, emaciation, weakness and soreness of the loins and knees, irregular menstruation, metrorrhagia, metrostaxis and leukorrhea^†."

So here's to strengthening my QI (pronounced chee) and taking care of my menstrual irregularities.

Why is my body so confused?

I know my body is confused and out of whack. But even when you give it medicines and EXPECT one behavior, it will do something else completely. I have been taking my 4th round of Provera. Once the medicine is complete (a 10 day dose), a menstrual cycle should start within 3-5 days. In the past its usually been the day after or maybe 2 days after the medicine. However this time, it started BEFORE I even finished the meds. I take my last pill of Provera today (at lunch) and somehow my body decided I should start my "fake" period this morning already. I just don't get it. I will have to call the doctor tomorrow because I don't think that is good that it started before the meds were over. SO today gets to be "fake" day 1 for the 4th time. I will start the new Chinese herbs I got on Thursday and add to the pill count. If I don't have a cycle on my own by the time we get to the next day 35 by the new count, we can do it all over again. Get ready to start counting........

Is it just me or is it the hormones?

I got home from Mel's party about 930 tonight to find my husband on the couch playing playstation. The kitchen was a mess. The vacuum (which has been out since Thursday) had not been run. The bathroom things from under the sink were still sitting by the tub. I had been gone almost 7 full hours and what had been done at home? Apparently nothing! It drives me nuts. Does he not see it? Why does it bother me so much? Is it me or do others (other women that is) feel the same? I spent 20-30 minutes picking up. I cleaned up the kitchen, scooped kitty's litter box, took out the garbage, put the clothes away off the bed, picked up the bathroom, and picked up the living room. Now I am sitting here upset and he probably has NO clue. Maybe if I hit the keys a bit harder he will get the clue... probably not. I worry if we have the baby I want so bad that I will have to do everything and more. How much can one person do? Will I get as upset as I do now? I wonder sometimes if its just me or the hormones..... that is if the hormones are changing.

Looking ahead to next Halloween and my promise

My friend Kimberly and I were talking yesterday about Halloween and costumes. I mentioned a previous co-worker had said he thought I should be a bee for Halloween since it fit my personality. I tend to agree. Kimberly did too. However, we were talking that maybe by next Halloween I will be pregnant and then I could be a bumble bee (since they are bigger). Somehow this morphed into me promising Kimberly that if I were pregnant next year for Halloween and had a belly (so far enough along to be showing) then she could paint my belly like a pumpkin. What in the world did I agree to?!?!?!!?!??? Here's to hoping I can be a big orange pumpkin belly next year!

Halloween mind chatter

I have a lot of thoughts in my head today..... Last night I was making spooky spider cupcakes and as I labored away sticking 8 legs, two eyes and a nose on each hairy sprinkled spider I thought, "Wow, someday I will be able to make these for my kids to take to school and I'll be the cool mom that makes fun spider cupcakes." That is a good thought! Then this morning on my way to work some more thoughts materialized in my crazy head. A few of my friends have today off or at least half a day off to do fun Halloween activities with their kids. Something I will have to remember to allocate PTO for when the day comes. Then I started thinking about why I don't hand out candy to trick-or-treaters (besides the fact that our neighborhood doesn't have very many kids and there are only 4 houses on our block). It would be really cute to see all the kids dressed up and having fun, but on the other hand it may be really hard too. I do get to see some cuties dressed up for the holiday today. Liz will be bringing Braden into work. He is dressing as a dragon this year. Then later this afternoon I want to go and see Iree and Marlie. Iree is Bumblebee the Transformer and Marlie is a peapod. All three of them will be adorable I am sure. I need to take pictures!

Last 3-a-day and more

Today is the last day I have to take my Metformin 3x/day. I know it doesn't seem like that big of a deal but I feel tied to the medicine bottle when you are constantly taking pills. I also have a hard time remembering to take medicine at times (I think I have too much other mind chatter) so I have 3 daily alarms set on my phone for 7am,1pm & 7pm to remind me to take it. Now I can go down to just two alarms. I also realized I forgot to take my vitamins today but in all actuality the medicine is more important than the vitamins so I guess I am okay. That is another reason why I carry the medicine in my purse so its always with me. I also think that it is a good thing to be going to the 2x/day because it is the Metformin XR and I think it will keep a more constant level of the drug in my bloodstream instead of just "dumping" meds in 3x/day and then going 12 hours overnight without anything. I think I may switch to 8am and 8pm though, so I'll have to change my alarms.
In other thoughts, I have an acupuncture appointment today. It is very relaxing but a bit pricey if I think of how much I will spend. There are a few weeks in November where I have to miss my appointment or wasn't able to schedule one (like the week of Thanksgiving) so I wonder if that will impede any progress I may be making. I keep wondering if it benefits me at all beyond the stress control and the 1 hour of peaceful time, but Clay said he wants me to keep going for now, so go I will today at 320 and the next week and then again and again.

The chicken or the egg dilemma

I read an article last night that made me think of that wonderful chicken and egg dilemma about which comes first.... it's like trying to get a job so you can get experience but not being able to get a job cause you don't have experience. HOW do you get the experience if you can't get the job and vice versa? (Oh I can't find the article again so I can't word it as perfectly as they did, but you will still get the point.)

Well they say to reduce stress when trying to conceive or when faced with infertility issues ...wait let's call them my speedbumps...but they ALSO say that infertility speedbumps cause excess stress. How do you get rid of stress when what you are faced with causes the stress you are trying to get rid of? I'm not the best at stress management anyway but this one has me in a real pickle. Mentally I try not to stress but I think somehow my body knows more and is more stressed than I let on to my head....

So, what comes first the chicken or the egg?

Darn those androgens

Today is our weekly weigh-in for my fitness challenge with my friend Mel and I have been struggling at losing weight since we started. Last year when I was on the pill, weight loss was easy and I quickly saw results. This year has proved to be more of a challenge. Here is some background to the reason why I think I'm having a harder time this go around:

(From Web MD) Most women at some point have to contend with weight gain. But for women with polycystic ovary syndrome (PCOS), losing weight can become a constant struggle. Women with PCOS have an increased production of male hormones called androgens. High androgen levels lead to symptoms such as body hair growth, acne, irregular periods -- and weight gain. Because the weight gain is triggered by male hormones, it is typically in the abdomen. That is where men tend to carry weight. So instead of having a pear shape, women with PCOS have more of an apple shape. (Abdominal fat is the most dangerous kind of fat. ) Experts think weight gain also helps trigger the symptoms of PCOS, such as menstrual abnormalities and acne.

When I got my PCOS labwork done, my testosterone was indicated to be about 3x higher than the anticipated limit. I would put the exact numbers in but I seemed to have misplaced the results. I am sure they will show up sometime.

As a side note, when I typed the title I had to chuckle... the word "Androgen" sounded like some type of alien or evil bot (like the bad transformers)... maybe they are for me..... I'm fighting the evil androgens taking over my body ;o) HA! That's a scene!

All I want for Christmas....

Clay and I have been making our Christmas lists lately. Clay is doing much better on his than I am on mine. I have a few things on there, especially movies, but I got to thinking today, some of the things I want for Christmas you can't put on a list.

If it boiled down to one thing on my Christmas list it would be a period. How silly does that sound? It's like I'm a teenager jealous all of her friends have their periods and I'm begging for mine. If I can just get a cycle then there will be some start of hope at actually trying to conceive next year.

So in hope, I am putting a countdown for Christmas on this blog. By then I will have been on my metformin meds for 3 months at 1500 mg/day. Hopefully something will start to happen.

Spiritual Thoughts with Kutless

Clay and I like the band Kutless. I like a lot of different music and really so does Clay. We first heard Kutless at Life Light, which was an outdoor Christian music festival in South Dakota that my sister-in-law Valerie took us too. I am so glad she did. I love that band. I have all of their cds. I think there are 5 or 6. I like to listen to them when I take my walks outside. Somehow I feel that is my spiritual time. Today it hit me a bit harder than normal. Usually I glean different insights from the lyrics and I "rotate" which cd and songs are my "current" favorites. Today I switched cds and the song "All Alone" was one of the songs that really got me. (I tend to be a crier at things anyway, but this song brought some tears.) I had to look funny fitness walking down the sidewalk with tears streaming down my face. Sometimes I sing along to the song too. I put the lyrics below and highlighted some of the phrases that got me today...

All Alone by Kutless

Icy chills round your heart
A heart that's made of stone
It seems like
Life is out to get you
To destroy what you want
I know that, that you blame me for all that you go through
It could be, so different if you would just let it go

You're all alone
Running out of ways to
Hold on to hope
And it always slips away
You're all alone
But you don't have to
Pretend to cope
There is a brighter way

If you would change your perspective
You'd see that it is true
Life is not always what you want
Sometimes it's hard to bear
I'd be with you, and help you in all that you go through
I love you, let Me change your heart by coming in

You're all alone
Running out of ways to
Hold on to hope
And it always slips away
You're all alone
But you don't have to
Pretend to cope
There is a brighter way

Deep thought from my walk..... I am NOT alone (even though there are times I feel like I am). I don't have to "Pretend" to cope, there is a brighter way. I have a lot of other thoughts swirling around but Clay just made our dinner so I'm going to feed my stomach like the walk fed my soul.

Faces of SpongeBob Squarepants

So I opened up our linen closet today to look and see if we had any bubble bath given I decided to take a hot bath after my walk. I noticed the box of SpongeBob Squarepants Dixie cups I purchased to pee in. (I prefer to pee in a cup and not on my hand and then just dip the stick.) The picture on the side looked like an angry SpongeBob. (See cup on left) That is kind of my emotion when I go to use the cup as peeing on sticks or in cups isn't fun at all for me. So, I got to looking at the other faces on the cups. (Crazy thought of the day....maybe a happier cup will yield a happier result?) I found the other two cups shown. I figure someday I will look like the cup in the middle. Surprised as hell to find a positive result and then sharing the results with family and friends will make me look like the SpongeBob on the right. Maybe next time I use the cups, I will pick a happy one. I don't anticipate having to take another test until after January when I start with the good meds but if I do, maybe I'll pay attention to the cup (that is unless its at 3am again then I'll just grab one.)

Hormones+ my skin= adult acne

I thought I had bad skin as a teenager. I even fought acne as an adult through college and outside of college. As recently as 2 years ago, or maybe it was 3, I regularly visited a dermatologist. I have done every topical possible. I've done all the "cyclene" drugs and even the stronger sulfides. I even ended up on a round of acutane. And last year I had nice skin. I was happy. Well, take away the birth control pills and allow the testosterone levels to triple and guess what you get? Acne! Painful, sometimes itchy and definitely embarrassing acne. It's like I'm a teenager again. Self conscious and a bit ashamed. I asked the doctor the other day when I called (I should also keep a tally for doctor's visits and phone calls) if there was anything I could do or take and unfortunately if I want to try to get pregnant the answer is NO. I can't even use a prescription topical treatment (not that that would work anyway.) Hopefully it will clear up if the hormones level off. Maybe it will be perfectly clear during pregnancy or stay clear after. That would rock!

I'm a pill popper..is that a problem?

How many pills have I already taken? How many pills will I take before the end of this blog?

Let's count....
Provera- 10x3 (previous cycles)= 30 + 10 (new prescription)= 40
Metformin-
1/day for 1 week= 7
2/day for 2weeks= 28
3/day for remainder of prescription= 119 (approximate)
now starting Metformin XR (750mg) 2x a day= 180

Total after done with these bottles= 374

Add in the Chinese herbs (13 days X8= 104) and the total grows to 478.

I won't add in the pre-natal vitamin, calcium, vitamin c, or b complex vitamin that I take every morning. I need to take the b complex vitamin cause metformin can lead to a b vitamin deficiency which would be bad.

So about 500 pills in. Do you think I can hit 10,000 or 100,000? What about 1,000,000? Only time can tell.

I have posted a picture of the pill bottles and the pills. Its interesting to see how little the Provera pills are. Just 10 of those gets me the fake period but 334 of the larger ones (Metformin) hasn't shown any results yet. Yikes!

One more question

You know how people always say it happens when you stop trying? Why is that? How in the world do you convince your head of this and then even harder, how do you convince your heart?

Okay I guess that was 3 or 4 questions so a few more won't hurt.

If you aren't supposed to stress about things and people tell you not to stress, how do you get rid of the stress of stressing out?

An hour later.....

I had tons of thoughts running through my head when I got out of bed at 4am. I had many topics to write about like:
- how the acupuncturist doesn't think my body is strong enough for Chinese herbs
- like acupuncture in general
- PCOS and the "diagnosis" and how I am anything but the typical candidate for the condition
- hope (and fear) for what is to come as I get to my 1 year mark of "trying" to conceive
- how you shouldn't really call it trying to conceive if you physically have a problem
- why hormones do what they do to your skin
- why they make good couples wait more than a year for help when there is a known problem
- why people who won't make "good" parents get pregnant so easily (and on accident) and others who would make "good parents" can't get pregnant at all (this one has a lot of negative to it from real life happenings)
- how one day can be easy and things don't weigh on your heart and the next day its all consuming
- how the second you want a child or to be pregnant that is all you see. Everyone else is pregnant and has a cute kid.. everyone except you.

However, after three or four posts this morning. I am tired of thinking and now that its 517am, I really should go work out. Maybe I'll cruise through the TV channels again instead. I will probably make it to work early today. That will be a first as I'm usually running late to work. I am sure that if I continue the blogging, I will touch all of the topics above at some time.

Title changes

I wonder how many times I will change the title for this blog. I have already changed it twice and I still don't think it fits. Any suggestions on a fitting title? I had journal, my journey, and settled on the speedbumps and roadblocks to motherhood since that seems to be my destination and seems to be what I am encountering... guess it is like everything else in life. Just a work in progress.

That ovulation calendar

I was looking at gadgets to add for the side of the post and I wanted a calendar. Whether it was
to count the days I have survived or to count the days ahead I don't know. I ideally wanted a calendar I could add notes on. It seems this "trying to get pregnant" business is all about tracking. Tracking your last menstrual cycle, tracking the last day you had sex, tracking the last time you took provera, tracking the last sane thought you had in your head. Okay I made that last one up but still. However, I ran across that ovulation calendar and I thought, "well, even if I don't ovulate, it will show me the date." The part that drives me the most crazy is the cycle length. It only goes to 35. I hate that number.... what about those of us that have a longer cycle. Maybe some folks are regular but still only have a period 6 times a year. Their cycle length would be what 60 days. My doctor said she would be happy if I had a cycle on my own every 90 days. Where am I in that little "cycle length" they so conveniently put there for me to use? Guess it just goes to serve as further evidence I am anything but "typical."

"False" hopes and "Fake" periods

This morning I woke up at 3 to use the restroom and had a task to complete before headed back to bed. I had to pee on a stick so I can call my Dr today for another prescription of Provera. Peeing on a stick is fun the first time.... but the 10th? (I guessed at the number cause I really haven't counted and I haven't done it regularly) It is also not fun at 3 in the morning when you are groggy, but they say to use your first morning pee. For me that is usually between 330 am and 5 am.

Here is where we get to the "false" hope. I don't care if you have peed on one million sticks. Each time you do and you are waiting those 2 minutes (or whatever length of time it takes to calculate) you sit and think ... "Maybe this could be the time I get two blue lines, the plus sign, the positive or whatever you are dying in your heart to see." However most of this is your heart speaking. Your head (still half asleep) tells you over and over the result will be negative. I have learned over this past year that your heart never sleeps, especially at 3 or 4 in the morning when you wake up and those racing thoughts in your head need to get out.

I will apologize ahead of time that most of these posts will ramble and I can guarantee a few things. 1) I will use a lot of "quotations" or "air quotes" if you will around words. Most of the time it has a tone to the word 2) when in a good mood I will use a lot of smiley icons like ;o) or ;oP. The later is me sticking out my tongue 3) when in a bad mood I will not sugar coat things. I usually try to be Suzie Sunshine or Pollyanna but there are times when we all just need to vent and complain and 4) I will RAMBLE... I have a lot of crazy thoughts that need to escape.

The pregnancy test from 3am this morning brings me to the "fake" periods. See I don't ovulate. kind of a problem when your end game is motherhood. My Dr has diagnosed me with PCOS (Polycystic Ovarian Syndrome) more on that later. Given I don't ovualte, I don't have a period. Generally most women not trying to get pregnant would consider that a blessing. Since going off of birth control in January I have not had a "true" period. Instead I have had 3 "fake" periods and I'm embarking to the pharmacy today for the meds to have a 4th.

Here is what happens. You take Provera for 10 days. Provera is a very small pill of progesterone (a female hormone elevated after ovulation). My body is anti female hormone and anti ovulation so I don't produce high levels of Progesterone. Now generally what happens is when the unfertile egg gets to the uterus the progesterone levels drop and this causes a period. Provera is a "fake" period cause it falsely increases your hormone levels and then on day 11 when you run out of meds and your hormones drop again, it triggers your body to have a period.

Now I am anything but "normal" and even with "fake" periods, my body has its own rules. The "faker" as I'll call it is supposed to start 3-5 days after the drop in hormones. Mine usually starts that next day but I guess I shouldn't really say it ever "starts." The "faker" I have is usually the lightest thing ever and lasts about 5-6 days and I could probably get away with less than 5 light tampons... It's more annoying than actually having a "real" period.

Initially I called Provera the "jump start" medicine. My Dr thought it would initiate a normal cycle if we could introduce some hormones into my body and actually have a DAY 1 to start. I was always under the impression that your period was at the end of your monthly cycle, but I was wrong. The first day of your period is actually Day 1 and the start of it all. The doctor said if you can't have a Day 1 and a beginning then you won't ovulate or have the "textbook Day 14" for the fertile window.

So that is where I sit today, Oct 24th: On the verge of my 4th "fake" period in 10 months, awake at 447 am and a bit hungry for more than just breakfast.