I want to pee on a stick

Since Friday, I have had the urge to take a pregnancy test. I have no idea why. I don't honestly think that I am pregnant, but I have wanted to take a test just to see. However, I only have one test left and I was going to wait to take it until January when I called the doctor about doing more Provera and starting the Clomid. But I just can't stop thinking about it. I've been thinking about it so much it has worked its way into my dreams. I have had two dreams about taking a test and it's the first thing on my mind when I wake up between 345 and 5 in the morning and have to pee. So I should just do it tomorrow morning, but I prob won't. I don't want the disappointment. I don't want the feeling that it's never going to show two blue lines. I want to live blindly in my hope and not be slapped on the face with disappointment and the reality that I have to wait longer to have what I want. I am being defiant and refusing to pee in that little Sponge Bob Squarepants cup and swirl the stick just to wait 2 minutes in false hope. I want the real thing. Real hope and real faith that one day it will happen. (And it will!) SO I am holding off another day. (I will probably fold tomorrow morning but we shall see....)

Timeline (updated, updated, and updated again)

So I'm keeping a paper copy of my timeline but I thought it may be better to keep online and then I can easily update when needed.

Jan 6-10th 2008- last period from birth control pills
May 9th 2008- Dr. Appt to discuss the lack of a menstrual cycle
May 9-18th- 1st prescription for Provera followed by short and light cycle
July 11th- Dr Appt for annual "peek and poke." Discussed lack of cycle
July 11-20th- 2nd cycle of Provera followed by light cycle over vacation
July 14th- Bloodwork done for PCOS labwork
August 31st- Started Metformin 500 mg 1x/day for 1 week
Sept 1-10th- Round 3 with Provera and fake cycles
Sept 5th- 1st acupuncture appt
Sept 7th- Increased Metformin to 2x/day for 2 weeks
Sept 9,11,16,19, 23- additional acupuncture appts
Sept 21st- Increased Metformin to 3x/day
Oct 1,8,14,21,30- additional acupuncture appts
Oct 8- Added Chinese herb #2....
Oct 21st- called Dr to talk about Metformin 750mg XR to change to 2x/day
Oct 24-Nov 2- Provera Round 4
Nov 2- added Chinces herb #3 Black Phoenix/White Chicken 4pills 2x/day
Nov 2- started charting basal body temps around 6am daily.
Nov 2-6 cycle from Provera
Nov 6, 20- acupuncture appts
Nov 12th- finally heard back from dr (Stacie=nurse) on what to expect for fertility treatments
Nov 14th- talked to Health Alliance. Found out have Enhanced Fertility coverage (best offered)
Dec 2nd- acupuncture appt
Dec 11th- last acupuncture appt
Dec 21- 3 month mark for Metformin at 1500mg/day
Dec 25th-Dec27th- 1st cycle on own (no Provera)
2009.....
Jan 7th- Insurance approval for fertility consultation
Jan 23rd- Clay has semen analysis done: First trip to fertility clinic in Champaign
Feb 10th-13th or 14th- 2nd cycle on my own
Feb 12th- My fertility consultation with Dr. Jarrett
Feb 12th- 1st ultrasound- saw cystic ovaries
Feb 12th-16th- Prescription of Letrozole for days 3-7 of cycle
Feb 21st- Ultrasound on day 12 in Champaign
March 24th- 2nd appt with Dr. Jarrett in Champaign

Upcoming things:
Additional acupuncture on Dec 11,17, and 22 (unless cancel)
January 2nd- file the infertility paperwork with Health Alliance)
Jan ? - Clay will be tested for his sperm count)
Jan??- Round 5 with Provera
Jan???- begin a 3 month try with Clomid on days 5-9 of the "fake" period.

I am a magnificent mess!

Today my Aunt Rachel came to visit and we went to the Immanuel Bible Foundation Women's Christmas Celebration. The guest speaker was Julie Barnhill, and she was excellent. She is a Christian speaker and delivers her message with a quirky style and humorous take on life. Today she spoke of women. We are all a mess. In fact we are all a magnificent mess (as that is the way that God intentionally made us). We are all or nothing and bring it upon ourselves. One of the best things to resolve this is to realize that we don't have it together and we don't have to. So, I want to try to remember that "I am a magnificent mess and it's okay not to have it all together."

Julie's presentation today was taped and will air a few times on tv later this month. I want to tape it and watch it again. She also has a few books (7 in fact) and I think I may try to read a few of them. Some of them deal with motherhood and those may be helpful for me in the future when we do have children. One of the interesting ones in "One Tough Mother." It says even tough mothers deal with depression, communication, stress, and anger. I also want to read the book Val recommended called "Parenting: from surviving to thriving." I need to make a note to buy those......

Hands of Hope

Life ends when you stop dreaming, hope ends when you stop believing, and love ends when you stop caring. So dream, hope, and love make life beautiful.

Photo found from: "All That I Can Say" by David Crowder

No more mouse turds?

So I think I made the decision today to be done with the acupuncture and Chinese herbs. It has become time consuming and expensive. At $60 a visit, I have spent more than $1,000 for sure going since September and each visit I don't seem to be making any progress according to the small Chinese man. I had scheduled more appointments in January and February at my last visit but I think I am going to cancel them and stop taking the small bb shaped mouse turd pills. I have an appointment today so I will see what my current diagnosis is and go from there. Just want to make the "right" decision and I'm not sure there is one in cases like this. It's a land of gray and maybe. Maybe it helps and maybe it doesn't.

Elevated

My basal body thermometer and I have become attached. I won't call us friends cause its kind of a pain in the arse to do every single morning, but I will say attached as it travelled to and from Omaha with me this weekend. Well yesterday when I took my temperature (half asleep like normal and wanting nothing more to go back to sleep and stay in bed all morning) it was elevated. Generally my temp is around 97.15-97.40ish at 6am. However yesterday it was 97.8 something. That is "elevated" in my book. I think it said if its elevated more than .3 or .4 and remains consistently high then that MAY be a sign of ovulation. Today my temp was 97.7 something (I have trouble remembering the digit in the hundredths place). I would say that is still a bit elevated. But I am on day 30 and 31 since my Provera cycle, so who knows if it really means anything at all. I did look back and I was a bit elevated around day 13 and 14 too so maybe its just a fluke.