Last night was daylight savings time. We got to spring the clocks forward one more hour. Yes, it was one less hour of sleep. Yes, it was one less hour to the weekend and one more hour closer to Monday morning and returning to work, but it's also one more hour closer to me testing. Last week the waiting was easy. I thought, "Well I waited more than a year to get to this point, what is two more weeks." However, something "clicked" this weekend and I'm tired of waiting. I know everything I hear in my Bible study is true (more on that in a minute) but I just wish I knew. One way or another. If I am pregnant than WHOO HOO! If not, the let's move on and get to the next step. I know that I already have another appointment scheduled for just two weeks from Tuesday. Let's take more meds. Let's produce more mature follicles and let's do it faster. Let's do it in 14 days not 16...heck let's try for 12 days. Why not? Can I just keep moving the clock an hour ahead. Just one hour a day? Maybe one hour every time I look at the clock? It would be time to test in no time. How about that? I just want an answer. It's the unknown that is the most scary. It's this final week that is getting to me. That looming test....waiting to see a pink line... having hope that for the first time in over a year there is a glimmer of hope, a normal 25% chance of fate that I could be pregnant, that it could have worked. Pretty scary really.
So tonight I turn to my Bible study pages. There have been a lot of thoughts to share but I haven't taken the time. I go on Tuesday nights and then blink 3 times and before I know it, it is Sunday night and I am once again behind and need to read. So, before I read tonight I thought I would blog about some of the things that I have written from the videos or have underlined in my book.... mostly on the theme of waiting, hoping, having faith, balancing passion and patience.
Scenario #6 from our book said "It's tough being a woman who can balance passion with patience."
The week before that session of study, I had written a post about waiting. I had shared my thoughts and ideas with my sister-in-law. I had several emails back and forth with her talking of the post and talking of waiting. In Bible study that week, the scenario above just hit the nail on the head. This past week, we revisited Scenario #6 to "turn it around." The video discussed that "in every wait there is a longing. Longing is part of the wait otherwise its just passing of time." Well, I am passing time with a deep/sincere/hopeful/(fill in any other word here) longing. I lost my train of thought as Clay and I just discussed we are out of milk since we didn't take the time to go to the grocery store this weekend. So of course, I will need to put on jeans again (I am in my pj pants) and go out into the wind to get milk. It is my responsibility (that reminds me of another scenario....but that's a different post.)
To wrap up. I will continue to wait patiently, well at least as patiently as I can. This week will come and go and the testing day will be here soon enough. I just wish I knew.
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