My inquiring (and rambling) mind

It's almost midnight and I can't sleep so I find myself blogging. At 945pm when I originally got out of bed I called my friend Kimberly to catch up. We hadn't talked in a few days and had lots to discuss. In the back of my mind I had a few questions to ask her about my old friend Sara. Kimberly and Sara had lunch today and she was going to "Nancy Drew" a few things for me.

I guess I should start by explaining why I say my "old" friend Sara. I know the few readers I have now know the circumstances but I should explain in case any one else reads this in the future, whether that be sooner or later.

Sara and I were friends. I like to think I was a supportive friend. She has an alcoholic husband and some other personal (for lack of a better word) issues. The alcoholic husband is unable to hold a steady job (he has authority issues to say the least) which cause additional marital conflicts regarding money in addition to the drinking. I am one that gets "involved" in her friend's life. I bring the stress my friends have upon myself as well and Sara has plenty of stress to share. I was a shoulder for her to cry on and a positive escape away from home. I even went to an Alanon meeting with her when she finally decided she needed emotional help with her husband's drinking. I have first hand knowledge of what alcohol can do to a relationship as I grew up with a recovering alcoholic father and know how it affected the marriage my parents had/have. She cried the whole meeting and I was hopeful that this would finally be what she needed to empower herself to better the situation. To my disappointment she never returned to another meeting.

Around that same time (July/Aug) after the most recent episode of drama in her life, I started thinking that I should withdraw. I didn't need the stress given I have my own stress with trying to conceive. I didn't really do anything per se and I stayed supportive but distanced myself a little. I think it was almost a pull to protect myself from what was to come.

Let me add here that during all of the past troubles she has had in her marriage I repeatedly added that she shouldn't get pregnant. That a baby would not help anything. However, I almost predicted it. On Labor Day I found out that she was indeed having a baby. I immediately decided that I could not for my own mental health be involved in her situation any further. I withdrew. I did not meanly point out the obvious things that everyone else (including her parents) were saying to her but I bowed out and wished her the best saying I needed to focus more on me.

I know to this day she thinks I chose not to be her friend because she is pregnant and I am not. However, as hard as it is to accept this totally unfair situation, that is not the reason I backed out. It's so much harder to explain. I am coming to terms with the problems that I am having trying to conceive so it's not that she is pregnant and I am not, its so so much more. Its more that she is pregnant in her situation and I feel heartache for the life that poor innocent child will be brought into and face as it grows. My relationship with my father is very damaged (much in part to his temperament which I view as directly correlated to alcoholism). I know whatever relationship this unborn child will have with its father too will be damaged or worse yet the unhealthy behaviors will be passed to the next generation and the child will further perpetuate the cycle.

Okay enough backstory..... so, even though I don't talk to Sara, I often find my thoughts focused in her direction. How is she doing?Is she showing yet? Are they going to find out the sex of the baby? Etc, Etc, Etc. I have genuine concern for both her and the baby's well being. However, in me asking some of the questions I also have some defense preparation. It's hard to explain.

Kimberly did find out that Sara will be finding out the sex but that is still a few weeks away. Now here is the BIG question..... Why oh why do I care so much?

Now I have totally lost my train of thought. I think I babbled too much with the backstory and it's late. Although I am tired and should be in bed I can't seem to turn my head "OFF" tonight and put my brain and mind chatter to rest for the night, so I lay there staring at the ceiling which only frustrates me. Then I have to get up and address the thoughts.

My other thought, at least the one I can remember..... Do I really want a little girl if I know she will prob grow up and have PCOS as well? This will only complicate her chances in the future to be a mother. She too will face the endless game of WAITING and timing and testing and whatever else lies ahead for me. Maybe it would be easier to have little boys that need testosterone. Lord knows I have enough of that to pass on!!!

Its 12:17 and I am finally getting tired. I think I rambled all the thoughts out that I may be able to sleep. I know 6 am will come much too early and it will make for a super long day at work if I am tired. Ugh!

Mammals have hair

I remember quite a bit from high school science, in part because I had a great teacher and because I enjoy science a great deal (hopefully any future kids I have will enjoy science too). Of the things I remember, I know that mammals (including humans) are warm-blooded, feed their young milk, and have hair (or fur) covering their bodies. Whether you know it or not you do have tiny hairs over a vast majority of your body. In some people this is much more obvious than others. (I'm sure you can picture an example.) I have made a recent discovery about my own mammal characteristics. When Kimberly and I were on our way back from Chicago and stopped at a McDonald's, I noticed that the hair on my arms by my wrists was thicker and DARKER than I had ever noticed. Well since noticing, I can't stop noticing. In the shower I see the dark sections of hair (its darker when wet) and when I take my watch off I notice how the band has removed some of the hair on the left wrist. I've even noticed that it seems to be "spreading" to the underside of my arm and toward my elbow, which previously didn't have very much noticeable hair. Was this hair always there or since going off of the pill in January, have my unbalanced and crazy hormones affected my hair growth? They say that women with PCOS often experience hirsutism (excessive and increased hair growth). This hair growth is usually in locations where the occurrence of hair is normally minimal or absent in women. Does this include the underside of my arms and my wrists? As I did a little researching just now, the articles also say that testosterone stimulates hair growth, increases size and intensifies the growth and pigmentation of hair. Well, wonderful! Another perk to this whole PCOS thing. Besides those pesky chin hairs and unwanted facial hair (which I have also had a growing concern to be on the look out for) I get dark & hairy wrists and arms. I better keep a tan because the whiter I get the darker it is going to look. Guess I will have to determine a way to keep these "testosterone" patches under control. I know most outsiders won't even notice, but I do. So to the drawing board I must go. Maybe I should trim them..... I don't think waxing is an option since it would look weird with NO hair on my arms and shaving is out too, so I think a trim is in order. Oh good God, one more thing!

Can you tell the difference?

Can you tell the difference between the two thermometers shown in the picture? Well, one is a regular thermometer and the other is a basal body temperature thermometer. On the surface the only difference (besides the pretty pink tip) is that the basal body temp one carries the temp out to 2 decimal points (fancy, huh?). Well, I decided to start charting my temps again. Last time I talked to my friend Jennifer (who also has PCOS and 3 wonderful kids) she mentioned that it is helpful to chart your temp and watch for ovulation. Back when I first went off the pill and didn't have a period, I charted for about 2 months. When I didn't see any changes (and still didn't have a period) I stopped. This was back in February and March. This time charting my temperature I was able to start on Day 1 thanks to the Provera. The whole point of charting your basal body temp is to see when you ovulate. Simply, your basal body temp (resting body temp/lowest body temp achieved) will raise after ovulation. If you chart your temperature cycle you can begin to predict when you will ovulate. You are supposed to take your temperature at the same time everyday. It 's supposed to also be right when you first wake up and after at least 3 hours of continuous sleep (although 5 hours is recommended). This again causes a problem for me like the peeing on a stick. I wake up everyday around 330 or sometimes later to pee. I have been taking my temp at 6am which so we will see what happens. I don't know how long I will stick out the temperature taking. Makes me feel like I should be sick. Some people even use this method as birth control prevention. That's dedication. Well anyways... that's the difference.

Black Chicken White Phoenix

So I always try to do a bit of online research about the Chinese herbs I am given. When looking up the new ones that I started today (Bai Feng Wan) I found that the translation is Black Chicken White Phoenix. Weird huh? There are a lot of sites with a lot of information but they say things like....

"Tonifies blood and qi, warms the uterus, nurtures yin, resolves stagnation of liver qi and blood. Use for menstrual disorders due to deficiency or cold, including amenorrhea, dysmenorrhea, or infertility. " and
"invigorates Qi and nourishes the blood, regulates menstruation and checks leukorrhea^†. The herbal formula is used for deficiency of both Qi and blood, emaciation, weakness and soreness of the loins and knees, irregular menstruation, metrorrhagia, metrostaxis and leukorrhea^†."

So here's to strengthening my QI (pronounced chee) and taking care of my menstrual irregularities.

Why is my body so confused?

I know my body is confused and out of whack. But even when you give it medicines and EXPECT one behavior, it will do something else completely. I have been taking my 4th round of Provera. Once the medicine is complete (a 10 day dose), a menstrual cycle should start within 3-5 days. In the past its usually been the day after or maybe 2 days after the medicine. However this time, it started BEFORE I even finished the meds. I take my last pill of Provera today (at lunch) and somehow my body decided I should start my "fake" period this morning already. I just don't get it. I will have to call the doctor tomorrow because I don't think that is good that it started before the meds were over. SO today gets to be "fake" day 1 for the 4th time. I will start the new Chinese herbs I got on Thursday and add to the pill count. If I don't have a cycle on my own by the time we get to the next day 35 by the new count, we can do it all over again. Get ready to start counting........

Is it just me or is it the hormones?

I got home from Mel's party about 930 tonight to find my husband on the couch playing playstation. The kitchen was a mess. The vacuum (which has been out since Thursday) had not been run. The bathroom things from under the sink were still sitting by the tub. I had been gone almost 7 full hours and what had been done at home? Apparently nothing! It drives me nuts. Does he not see it? Why does it bother me so much? Is it me or do others (other women that is) feel the same? I spent 20-30 minutes picking up. I cleaned up the kitchen, scooped kitty's litter box, took out the garbage, put the clothes away off the bed, picked up the bathroom, and picked up the living room. Now I am sitting here upset and he probably has NO clue. Maybe if I hit the keys a bit harder he will get the clue... probably not. I worry if we have the baby I want so bad that I will have to do everything and more. How much can one person do? Will I get as upset as I do now? I wonder sometimes if its just me or the hormones..... that is if the hormones are changing.