My inquiring (and rambling) mind

It's almost midnight and I can't sleep so I find myself blogging. At 945pm when I originally got out of bed I called my friend Kimberly to catch up. We hadn't talked in a few days and had lots to discuss. In the back of my mind I had a few questions to ask her about my old friend Sara. Kimberly and Sara had lunch today and she was going to "Nancy Drew" a few things for me.

I guess I should start by explaining why I say my "old" friend Sara. I know the few readers I have now know the circumstances but I should explain in case any one else reads this in the future, whether that be sooner or later.

Sara and I were friends. I like to think I was a supportive friend. She has an alcoholic husband and some other personal (for lack of a better word) issues. The alcoholic husband is unable to hold a steady job (he has authority issues to say the least) which cause additional marital conflicts regarding money in addition to the drinking. I am one that gets "involved" in her friend's life. I bring the stress my friends have upon myself as well and Sara has plenty of stress to share. I was a shoulder for her to cry on and a positive escape away from home. I even went to an Alanon meeting with her when she finally decided she needed emotional help with her husband's drinking. I have first hand knowledge of what alcohol can do to a relationship as I grew up with a recovering alcoholic father and know how it affected the marriage my parents had/have. She cried the whole meeting and I was hopeful that this would finally be what she needed to empower herself to better the situation. To my disappointment she never returned to another meeting.

Around that same time (July/Aug) after the most recent episode of drama in her life, I started thinking that I should withdraw. I didn't need the stress given I have my own stress with trying to conceive. I didn't really do anything per se and I stayed supportive but distanced myself a little. I think it was almost a pull to protect myself from what was to come.

Let me add here that during all of the past troubles she has had in her marriage I repeatedly added that she shouldn't get pregnant. That a baby would not help anything. However, I almost predicted it. On Labor Day I found out that she was indeed having a baby. I immediately decided that I could not for my own mental health be involved in her situation any further. I withdrew. I did not meanly point out the obvious things that everyone else (including her parents) were saying to her but I bowed out and wished her the best saying I needed to focus more on me.

I know to this day she thinks I chose not to be her friend because she is pregnant and I am not. However, as hard as it is to accept this totally unfair situation, that is not the reason I backed out. It's so much harder to explain. I am coming to terms with the problems that I am having trying to conceive so it's not that she is pregnant and I am not, its so so much more. Its more that she is pregnant in her situation and I feel heartache for the life that poor innocent child will be brought into and face as it grows. My relationship with my father is very damaged (much in part to his temperament which I view as directly correlated to alcoholism). I know whatever relationship this unborn child will have with its father too will be damaged or worse yet the unhealthy behaviors will be passed to the next generation and the child will further perpetuate the cycle.

Okay enough backstory..... so, even though I don't talk to Sara, I often find my thoughts focused in her direction. How is she doing?Is she showing yet? Are they going to find out the sex of the baby? Etc, Etc, Etc. I have genuine concern for both her and the baby's well being. However, in me asking some of the questions I also have some defense preparation. It's hard to explain.

Kimberly did find out that Sara will be finding out the sex but that is still a few weeks away. Now here is the BIG question..... Why oh why do I care so much?

Now I have totally lost my train of thought. I think I babbled too much with the backstory and it's late. Although I am tired and should be in bed I can't seem to turn my head "OFF" tonight and put my brain and mind chatter to rest for the night, so I lay there staring at the ceiling which only frustrates me. Then I have to get up and address the thoughts.

My other thought, at least the one I can remember..... Do I really want a little girl if I know she will prob grow up and have PCOS as well? This will only complicate her chances in the future to be a mother. She too will face the endless game of WAITING and timing and testing and whatever else lies ahead for me. Maybe it would be easier to have little boys that need testosterone. Lord knows I have enough of that to pass on!!!

Its 12:17 and I am finally getting tired. I think I rambled all the thoughts out that I may be able to sleep. I know 6 am will come much too early and it will make for a super long day at work if I am tired. Ugh!